USM One Shots

You know em, you love em! (I hope)

Okay, this is a MCU crossover. Kind of. Have you read those Shuri/ Peter stupid hilarious conversations? Yeah, will this is basically one of those except they've been transferred into USM and nobody knows why Peter is acting 'weird' or arguing with a princess. So, yeah. Enjoy? 

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"Where the fuck are we?" Peter looks around stupidly. 

"I think Thanos came back." Shuri says sarcastically.

"Damn Thanos! Back again with that gold gauntlet!" Peter stomps his foot on the grund dramatically. The pair look up at the door while Agent Venom walks in.

"Hey Peter, can you please read this-"

"No I cannot." 

Venom looks up at Peter, confusion flooding his face, but before he can ask what's going on, Peter and Shuri scream, "WHAT UP I'M JARED I NEVER FUCKING LEARNED HOW TO READ!"

"What's happening? Did I die?" Venom looks up to the skies, as if expected God to come down and take him away.

Peter looks at Venom, and collapses dramatically. Venom looks terrified, and Shuri yells at him, "HE NEED SOME MILK!"

Sam bursts into the room, looking around. He sees Peter on the floor, Shuri grinning over him like a maniac, so he does the most logical thing he could think of. 

Sam rushes over to Peter,and wacks him in the head. Peter jerks up, screaming, "Ah fuck! I can't believe you've done this!"

Sam drops to the ground, and Peter looks over to Shuri. "He dead."

"Yup," She says, popping the P.

Captain America pounds into the room, and Shuri asks, "Hey Cap! What're those?" 

Peter gasps, mockingly responding with, "Such American! So beautiful! Amaze-balls!"

A group of kids had come in to watch the banter, and upon seeing them, Shuri turned towards her friend. "So do you think 'It's Raining Men' and 'Let The Bodies Hit the Floor' are from the same event but different perspectives?"

"I've never thought about it like that. Thanks, I can't get it out of my mind now." Peter giggles, thinking about the possible cause for the songs.

"This isn't ideal.." Mumbles one of the students.

Shuri sighs dramatically, stating, "Now I know why god abandoned this timeline."

"My good friend, whatever do you mean?" Peter gasps jokingly in a fake British accent.

Shuri grabs Caps' shield, and throws it at Peter. "YEET!"

Peter ducks it easily, shaking his finger, "Didn't yo mama tell you not to yeet shields at your friends?"

"Shut up before I pulverize you." Shuri turns around, flipping her hair dramatically, giving him a nice solid 'fuck you' with her favorite finger. 

The group of kids gasp, and Peter turns towards them. "Hey what's up people I don't know-"

Before he can finish his stupid question, he turns to dust. Sam steps forwards, snapping his fingers in a Z formation. "And that's why you don't mess with Thanos."