THE STARS ARE BEAUTIFUL - WATTYS AWARD NEW ADULT WINNER 2019

Callum | 37

MY SANITY RELIED on him going right to sleep.

Beside me, I felt him wriggle under the covers, stirred with the feeling that something was amiss in his innocent, tiny world. I came home to find Marta with him, and it suddenly made sense. My father had been waiting for her to arrive as he cooked. The rest of the story was a fabrication for my benefit. So his quiet stirring beside me was only an extra punch of guilt to my gut. He deserved to know. He deserved to be comforted and not just kept quiet. But I wasn't ready to speak those finalizing words and bring them to light.

"Pop?"

I was grateful for the darkness of the room. It helped me hide the face of a coward.

"Just sleep, okay?"

But he was only a kid and needed to know. "Is mom sick again?"

I covered my face and prayed he was none the wiser. "No, she's fine now."

"Then why isn't she here with us at home?"

"She's home," I said, the anger already escaping through my tone. "But not our home."

"Will she come home tomorrow?"

"Andy. Sleep. Now."

He stilled, and when I reached my hand to feel where he was, I only found a small scared boy curled into his pillow, unsure of why his father was angry. I pulled him to my chest and said I was sorry. He just picked at the cotton fibers of my shirt and resisted sleep.

"It's a soft goodbye, right?"My ears perked. "What's a soft goodbye?"

"What Grandpop says happened to Grandma Julep. When someone you love goes away but you still feel them in your bones."

I held him tighter to me. "Grandpop is a smart man, so if he told you that, it's true."

"But how can it be true? How can someone live in your bones?"

"It's a figure of speech. He just means you still feel their love even if they're gone." I put my hand on his chest. "You know how mom said you were her second heartbeat? Well, it's kind of like that. I can still feel her because I have you."

"Were you one of mom's heartbeats?" he asked.

"I feel confident in saying yes, but she only officially gave you that title."

"Can I have the earphones?" He meant stethoscope. "I wanna see if you have a special beat. Maybe I can feel mom that way."

I found my medical bag and lent him the scope, showed him how to find the sound in my chest. There must have been something too wondrous and soothing still locked beneath my ribcage despite the hollowness I felt, because, for next three months, that is exactly how he fell asleep.

***

He was searching around our house like a mouse sniffing for cheese.

I watched him as I sipped coffee from the kitchen table, and at first it seemed like a perfectly normal thing for a kid to do, but the more he snooped under couches and inside of closets, the more I felt compelled to investigate.

"Andy," I called.

His head was tucked under his bedframe. "Yeah, Pop?"

I sat on the edge of the mattress. "Have you lost something?"

He pulled away from the bed and faced away from me.

"You look like you lost something," I pressed.

"I'm just playin'," he said quietly, still turned away.