sticky sweet {nikki sixx}

•thirty two•

•lizzie•

watching nikki from the kitchen, through my year glazed eyes, he gently sways back and forth. flicking the kettle on, i hold my breath and hold the tears back. i couldn't cry anymore, it hurt too much to do so. my heart ached, the most it had ached in years. i thought this baby would be the road of recovery for nikki, i thought he would want to me home more often... but that dream and hope was soon snatched from my fingers, my grip boy tight enough. feeling dizzy from my head spinning, question after question, i support myself against the kitchen counter. footsteps smash up the staircase, the bathroom door slamming and the thudding on nikki throwing himself on the time flooring muffled from the upstairs. covering my mouth with my hand i muffle the sobs escaping my mouth. tears waved down my cheeks frantically. why was it happening to me?
i know nikki and I had done some sinful sins, but i still couldn't comprehend why god would take such a precious thing from us. axel sat at my feet and whimpered, he knew the pain; he could feel my pain. emptiness was riddled in my body like worms, worms that squirmed hand and uncomfortably.
placing my mug back into the cupboard, i needed something more strong. something more numbing. reaching into the liquor cupboard i pull the first bottle out and pour it into a wine glass. gulping it back, i stop myself from gagging or retching. the tears still slipping through my tear ducts.

twenty tall glasses later, i was finally numb. a feeling i hasn't felt in many years. no more tears and no more sadness. just how i like it. there are so many more productive things to do than cry. loud singular thumbs echo through the house, the sound of skin screeching against the wooden banister sends chills down my spine. i feel nikki behind me, his eyes burning through me, the sound of the two empty glass bottles fall off the counter in his tight grip,
      "do you really think this is the best way to deal with it?" his voice was different,
looking at him, i scoff and swig the rest of my drink, "and shooting up is?"
nikki drops the bottles, smashing into smithereens, the sound makes me jump. averting my eyes away from him, i look at the patterned cushion on the sofa,
       "if you're going to be like, fucking sleep on the sofa." i slur, standing and pouting and finger at him. nikki lets out a laugh,
       "didn't want to share a fucking bed with you anyway."
anger then pulsates through my body, sickness throbbing in my stomach. i couldn't believe we were acting this way after losing a child, something that we were going to love for eternity and we were acting as though we hated each other. smashing my glass onto the coffee table i walk up to him,
        "clean your shit up." i hiss.
stomping up the stairs, i go to the bathroom and put his dirty needle in the bin.
grunting in disgust, i sloppily slam the door behind me and march to the bedroom. light snores of nikki travel from the sofa, it infuriated me how he didn't seem to care and was happy to do as he pleased even though we had just lost such a beautiful part of our lives.

•••••••

glancing at the clock, it was 4:00am. the downstairs was silent, no snoring and no tapping. my eyes were red and puffy from crying all night, i wasn't just mourning the death of my unborn child but i was also mourning dying of my relationship.
sneaking downstairs, nikki murmurs slightly with a snore. smiling weakly, i attempt to quietly pour myself a glass of water. axel lets out a low growls, nikki wakes up. i watch as his head shoots up from the backrest of the sofa, the kitchen light burning his eyes a little. standing still like a deer in headlights, i quickly switch the light off and try to go upstairs. i wasn't prepared for the confrontation.
        "lizzie." nikki lets out a similar low growl like axel. freezing in my movement, i slowly look around, he was standing.
        "nikki.."
he gently leads me to the sofa and i sit centimetres apart from him. the dark room hurt my eyes as i squinted around his silhouette. looking at his eyes i could tell that he was dodging the contact even in the thickness of dark. listening and waiting for him to make the first move, i hear a sharp inhale,
"we should start wedding planning." he says randomly, leaning back i look at him and scoff.
"with what money, nikki?" i ask annoyed, "our wedding funds are in your bloodstream or in a powder somewhere." i listen to nikki sigh, he seemed genuinely pissed with himself,
"i'm sorry... we'll do it after tommy and heathers wedding?"
rolling my eyes i nod, "yea whatever." nikki goes to say something, but it was too late before i was already up the stairs and in my now cold bed.

••••••

wandering down the stairs, nikki drooled on my expensive cushions. tutting i begin cooking breakfast for the both of us, as much as he pissed me off i wasn't going to let him go hungry and shoot up all day. i still loved him. footsteps trail up the stairs, i wait for the slam of the bathroom door and the thud of his body hitting the floor. sighing as i toss the sausages around the sizzling plate, i watch as the oil bubbles and hisses, probably like what the heroin was doing in his bloodstream.
throwing nikki's plate at the top of the table for him, i sit there alone eating, watching his food turn cold. not long after he trudged down the stairs, blood dropped from his arm. i panicked slightly, pushing out my chair i clean him up. he doesn't even look at me,
"you need help." i whisper to him,
"what?"
"you need ducking help nikki." he scoffs, "you are going to kill yourself if you carry on." i was weeping at this point, but he still was fazed. standing back, his eyes were glazed over, "i won't fucking help you next time." i hiss, throwing the bloody cloth in his face.
"i hate you."