My Thoughts

Did I Deserve This?

I consider myself a hopeless romantic, for I have always wanted to be in love. I have felt this way since I had my first crush in sixth grade.

My first crush was just a boy in one of my classes that I thought was funny, and we also had some things in common. He played Minecraft and was the class clown. Perfect guy, right? I told my best friend, who shipped us for as long as my crush on him lasted (it lasted for about two years).

I always imagined him and I together, talking and having fun, but in reality I did not talk to him often. Because I barely knew him, I ended up creating a version of him that would feed into my little fantasies about him. Now I realize that these fantasies were the reason why my crush on him lasted so long, but towards the end, my crush wasn't even on him anymore, but a made-up version of him.

When the crush on him ended, it ended badly.

By seventh grade, I have gradually told more friends about my crush on him. (To be honest, I did it for attention from my friends.) Sadly, one of them should have never been trusted. She told my whole science class about it and it eventually got to him.

I still remember that day so vividly, because it felt like my whole world shattered around me. It became evident that my fantasies were less likely to come true. Every time I'd see him, we'd both avoid eye contact and we'd never speak to each other again. Everyone knew about it, too.  This really played with my self esteem.

In a way of protecting myself and my fantasies, I had my best friend at the time ask him every single day if he liked me back. The poor kid would always respond with, "I don't know yet," most likely to spare my feelings.

During this time, I felt this awful feeling. I could not look at the world positively anymore. Every second of my life at school was spent protecting myself because I did not want to seem like I was weak. I wanted to prove that I was completely fine coming out of this, but I seriously wasn't. This spread to my personal life, too, as my relationship with my family was at the lowest it has ever been.

As eighth grade came around, I had finally built my confidence back up and I joined choir (something I've wanted to do since sixth grade). There was a boy who was an amazing singer, and he was super sweet. (He was the boy all the girls has a crush on.)

As I reflect on it now, I do not think I was ready for another crush to ruin my life, like the previous one did. At the time, however, this did not phase me and I happily accepted this new crush. With this came new fantasies that I could think about constantly throughout my last year of middle school.

Similarly to my last crush, I rarely talked to this new crush. Whenever I did, I would have a panic attack. (This probably happened because of what happened to me in the past.) My body would go into a fight-or-fight mode, and most of the time I would choose the "flight" option. This worked for a few months, until my choir teacher placed us next to each other on the risers.

My panic attacks were the worst during this time. Every time he would get near, my heart started beating fast (in a bad way) and I would always be worried about my face being red, which would induce the panic further. I was overly conscious of my body and my actions. Because of this, I often made an excuse to leave the classroom so I could could get myself together. I would ask to use the bathroom or I would go to the nurse because "I didn't feel well," or sometimes I would just say "I'm having a panic attack, can I take a walk outside for a few minutes?".

It was an awful time. Even worse than the last crush.

By freshman year I had gotten over him (he turned into an awful person), but I still was awkward around him.

Freshmen year was a crush-free year, thankfully. (It wasn't a great year for me for other reasons, though.) I ended up switching schools for tenth grade because I was very unhappy at my high school during freshmen year.

Luckily I knew someone there and I joined her friend group. There was someone in that friend group that I had a particularly strong liking to... and like that, I had another crush.

This was the first girl I had a crush on. I've known that I am bisexual for a while now, so I easily accepted this new crush.

Because of my past, I only told a small amount of people that knew I could trust. (I told three people.)
This crush ended up being the best one so far, for many reasons.

Firstly, we were already friends. I talked to her daily, so I was never nervous around her. Actually, I talked to her a lot. We had all the same classes together and we talked on Houseparty every night while doing our homework.

It was during those Houseparty calls that I really got to know who she was, and boy did I really like her after that.

I don't think I could explain everything I liked about her here because it would be too long to read...

During one of those calls, I tried flirting with her. (Something I've never done before.) She wasn't really reciprocating my hints, so I accepted that she didn't like me.

As this was happening, a lot of this things I didn't like about her became evident and that crush vanished, but we are still friends. This was near the end of sophomore year.

Also near the end of sophomore year, I went to one of my friend's birthday parties. She had a boyfriend, so he was there. (She actually had never liked him in the first place, but she couldn't build up the courage to break up with him for a few months.) I've seen him at school, but I've never talked to him until that night. I didn't immediately have crush on him, but I did have an interest for the rest of sophomore year.

As summer came, he became the next crush to be in my fantasies and it was like I was in middle school again. I did miss these fantasies, so I let myself have them. He and my friend eventually broke up sometime during the summer (I'm still not really sure when this happened), so I had hope for him and I.

Now it is junior year (this year), and I have classes with him. This meant I could really get to know him and even flirt if I wanted to. And that I did. He is, by far, the most wonderful person I have ever met and it seemed like he might have actually liked me too.

Until two days ago.

He asked his friend to homecoming (who he actually likes and she likes him too) and it was all over for me. (I was there when it happened, too.)

As soon as I got into my moms car after school I began uncontrollably sobbing. I told her everything.
This was the first time I had cried over a crush. The same feeling that I felt when my first crush found out that I liked him came back, but far worse.

To make things worse, I watched them kiss at homecoming while All of Me was playing last night.

Now the feeling if not being able to see the world positively has come back and I do not know what to do. Everything in my life was not going so well already, so having hope that he liked me back was all I had. Today, I feel like I have nothing.

I'm sure I will get over it, but the emotions are still so raw and it will take time for me to heal.

I find it so ridiculous that I have never been in a relationship, yet I still have gone through all of this. I genuinely feel like I didn't deserve this. I can't believe I have had no luck in finding someone to love for years.

Why can't I just be happily in love with someone, is that too much too ask?

I didn't proof read this, so I hope it makes sense.

Thank you to whoever is reading for listening to my problems, all the way to the end.

I'm very salty right now, I'm so sorry. I hope I don't come off as too bitchy in this, I'm just seriously hurt right now.

❤️ Here's a little love for you, since I clearly have so much to give.