- nevermind | yoonmin (suicide letter ° 3 days left)

9

Hello Yoongi!

It's another day, Tuesday, 10 PM.
You are out buying us food, so I decided to write you now.

Today was such a good day. I feel so much better, than yesterday, mostly because we have spent the whole day together.

But I am still gonna do it.

I was supposed to have my classes, but I have skipped them all, to be with you.

Today, when you woke up, you got an idea to take me to the amusement park. I don't really know why. I mean we go out sometimes, as friends.

Maybe you felt sorry for yesterday. You woke up in the bad mood and I didn't sleep at all so it was dangerous combo. We argued, actually you were the one being mad, I just stayed quiet.

Something was on your mind, perhaps you remembered the events after the party or I don't know.

I wish I was the one calming you down instead of being argued with.

You went to the bathroom taking your cigarettes.
Back then I hated that smell, but now I feel safe when it hits my nose. You smoke a lot and I want you to stop, obviously, but I can't. I want to smell it too. You're addicted to smoking, I'm to the scent. Twisted.

So I heard the water in the shower good 20 minutes. That's 4 cigarettes. They always calm your nerves. When you left the bathroom, you looked exhausted and your eyes were red.

You came closer to me, only to hold me tight. Hugging, you promised me that tomorrow will be better and it was.

We have spent it together having a date?!
Or at least I enjoyed it as it was our first date.

Sometimes, I have this sensation, that we can work out, like our relationship have a chance to be something more. Maybe I'm loosing my mind and going crazy, imagining unreal scenarios. This or that, today has been unforgettable.

I will write you about my favorite moments, so when I'm gone you can read this letter and recall some of these lovely memories.
But I want you to not be sad, it's not your fault.

So where I'm gonna start?
Let's start from the very beginning.

I had dream this night about you. You were different, the shining aureole on the top of your head and white clothes made you look like an angel. Maybe God knows about what I'm going to do, and he is sending me signs, that we can be together only in heaven.

I'm just afraid that I will never get to go to the heaven, that I will end up in the hell for my sins. I have so many.

But who knows what's different between my life and hell, they seem to be the same thing.

Perchance, the real hell is without you. I have only you, because I lost myself while loving you.

I'm so sorry for writing about these things, when this letter was originally supposed to be about happy stuff.

Let me continue while skipping to part, when we are already in the park.

First thing you decided on, was buying me cotton candy, which I didn't mind at all.

The sweet flavor brought back memories of mine, to the time when we were strangers.

Life was odd back then. I was living a calm life with my parents and friends. But I was still missing someone, you.

Then I got diagnosed with depression and after we met, my life became much more of a mess.

I was so sad because, that's what my depression did, but I was so happy with you. Every single minute with you was ecstasy, I was comfortable and happy.

Now I'm mostly numb, like my life is slipping through my fingers. And you can't make me that happy anymore, you can't make it right.

However, today I enjoyed like never. Cotton candy, foto booth, and then all of the rollercoasters. They were so sick, almost like my head. They were pretty scary too, but not like the thought of losing you.

After like 3 rides we had enough.
Then we played some other games in order to win these stuffed animals, that I find super cute.

You won one purple bear so I said: "I have never seen anything cuter that this." to which you replayed: "I think you're the cutest in the world." while giving me the purple animal.

Why are you like this? I was melting, felt electricity and butterflies at the same time.
My body was shaking and my heart burning with the fire of love.

I really can't deny my feeling when I'm in this state. Almost unable to think racionally.

Then you hold me to share your body heat, since I was now rocking from side to side. You asked me if I was cold.
You would be such a caring boyfriend for someone.
Funny, I was not cold, only in love.

You hold me for 10 minutes, because I hold you back. I have never felt safe like this before. The world was not falling apart, so I started to laugh.

Your confused look was so funny. I was laughing and laughing, that you had to wipe my tears.

Maybe you're giving me signs, as you're looking after me like this. I really saw something in your eyes. Some new emotion, new sparkle.

You can really tell, I had a great time.

Throughout the whole trip, you were giving me compliments, that my cheeks couldn't relax any minute. They were red all the time.
You called me cute five times and adorable two times. I was counting it. Love can make you do some stupid shit.

Yet everything has its end. Our trip ended and I can't thank you enough. You made me feel special today.
It's still not the end of this day and I'm still waiting for you to come back with food. Possibly a lot of things can happen. I will finish this when you're fast asleep.

---

As I was expecting, you brought ramen for dinner. I don't know what took you so long though. Actually, the strong cigarette smell gave me a hint.

Anyways, you're such a good chef (another reason why you would be awesome boyfriend), yet you still cook noodles.

We ate your dinner in comfortable silence. Then I layed in my bed to slowly fall asleep while looking at you working on your laptop. My sleep deficit is the only reason, why I don't watch you the whole night.

Unexpectedly, you got up from your bed to join me in mine, offering to a watch movie.
My eyes opened wide, so I made you space. When we were comfortable enough, the film started.
I layed on your chest listening to you heart beat. After like only 20 minutes I realized why my heart is beating so fast while your slower.
You dropped off, boring movie already forgotten. So I closed the notebook and shifted closer to your body. Familiar smell of the love of my life.
Thus, I end this perfect day with writhing you these last sentences. I really hope you will cherish this day as I'm, when you now innocently rest next to me and I can finally breath and feel safe.
Please don't forget, love you and see you tomorrow. Day 9.

Your Jimin

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Stats:
words: 1244
date: 11202019, Sunday
topic: fun