- nevermind | yoonmin (suicide letter ° 3 days left)

4

Hello,

It's me again. It's Sunday.

My friends cuddled me to sleep last night, so I felt loved for a while.
Sundays are not my favorites days unless they are spend with you.

As soon as I opened my eyes and saw Jungkook and Taehyung wrapped in the blanket on the other's bed I felt guilty. I must have been a burden to them, spending 2 days here, disturbing their privacy and everyday life.

Ugh, how much a hate myself. I want my life to be over soon, but first I have to make up with you. I can't kill myself yet but the pressure on my chest keeps getting harder and harder to handle.

Since it was like 10 AM, I decided to make breakfast, which I didn't eat.
The boys were happy that I was able to get out of bed and do something productive.
Then I decided to take my productivity on the whole another level by showering.
And that's about it, I have been able to do today so far. All of my school duties are already forgotten, I don't want to think about collage right now. I have quite a lot of work to do, some essays and stuff, but whatever.
There are some more important things to think about.

First of all, Taehyung looked too worried, still trying to get information about why I was half drunk lying on the floor outside, crying hard at 5 in the morning. He has been watching over me since that. It will definitely break him apart my departure.

I think he let you know that I'm staying with him and Jungkook, because you left no more text messages or missed calls.

Second thing, I have to face you, look you in the eyes and pretend everything is right, nothing happened and the club thing was a "success".
It's like digging my own grave.

Well, what can I do, I just don't care anymore. Except for you Yoongi obviously :))

So the morning went slow. My body was so weak, my stomach was still hurting.

You came for a lunch and I was not expecting that. Tae invited you to join us. He meant it well, but I don't think it was a good idea.

When you entered, you were as always looking hot. Your messy hair and white skin, they make me amazed every time.
While I was lost in my thoughts, you took our reunion into a tight hug with me. It felt so fucking good to stay for a while in your arms. Those two days without your presence were weird but calming somehow.
But I assured myself that I love you and I can't live without you, as cliché as it is, it's true.

Lunch was good I guess, I wasn't paying much attention to it. You were having conversation with Tae, he was still trying to make sure I was safe with you. My concentration was on you, but I was quiet.
Everything seemed normal, the way you laughed and looked at me, I almost forgot...

"Minnie, do you wanna go now?"

"Sure."

And then I left Tae and Jungkook with apologizing look.
On our way, I thought about our room and what happened there in the past 42 hours. The walking was quick, you grabbed my hand as you tried to have a more meaningful chat with me.

" I want to deeply apologize for leaving you alone in that club. It was so irresponsible and stupid of me. I am so sorry. It won't happen again, like never. I care for you so much and if something had happened to you, I wouldn't know what to do. Jiminie, I love you very much my dear best friend. "

This monologue now repeats in my head. When we got home, the atmosphere was better and things felt normal again.
You said you love me, that's one of my little happinesses I have in my life. Now I feel complete. Thank you Yoongi so much for trying to take care of the brokenhearted boy.
It's funny that you're the cause of my shredded heart, yet I still tolerate it.

Our house doesn't feel the same. I had all of these flashbacks with clear audio sounds, that you had to sit me down on your bed talking sweet nothings to ground me.

I think you half know what happened, or at least you know enough to feel sorry. But why I feel shame instead.

You even played me the fucking Disney movie, even though you hate them.

We always watch movies on Sundays and we always argue which one. You're sucker for action so me as your best friend let you pick up whatever film you want.

Frozen is really my favorite, but I couldn't focus much as you were cuddling me until I fell asleep.
It was a light sleep however. When the move ended and you shifted away I opened my eyes slightly just to close them again. You moved from your bed and left the room.
I was too exhausted to follow you. I glimpsed the empty spot where your cigarettes usually are and connected the dots.

The night is slowly approaching and my demons are coming out. Since I am going to kill myself I have started to think about death herself. I wonder how it feels. All I want is to feel light and loved while dying. I want all of my worried and bad memories to be gone.

Everything feels so wrong now, the lost control, the broken heart, my life. My body is too small to handle all of this pain and I can't anymore. It's really hard to resist the peace of death.

You left me alone again and I don't know if I can be alone again. I don't know if I can sleep alone again.

Bye for now Yoongi, we have still a few days left.

Your one and only Jimin.

_______________________________________

Stats:
words: 1003
date: 12202020, Saturday
topic: alone