Bodies In Our Cellar (Arsenic And Old Lace 2: Electric Boogaloo)

Act 1, scene 1

Our scene begins in a graveyard, where a funeral is happening. Among the crowd of mourners are Mortimer and Elaine with a young Lucille between them. She wears a hat with a veil that covers her hair and eyes. Some distance away, at the edge of the crowd stand Jonathan and Dr. Herman Einstein, while a young Frank, who doesn't seem to understand the situation, plays among the tombstones. We begin to hear what the Pastor is saying.

Pastor: Abby and Martha Brewster were two utterly lovely women. Charitable sisters, whose mission was to end misery and bring peace to whoever they met. They were never apart, and passed on peacefully in their sleep. They are survived by their nephews, Theodore and Mortimer, sadly their nephew Jonathan disappeared a number of years ago. May they rest in peace, in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, amen.

(The crowd begins to disperse at random, bit by bit)

Elaine: Oh Mortimer, I'm terribly sorry, I know they meant the world to you.

Mortimer: It's a sad affair, to be certain, I'll miss them both dearly. But, on the bright side, at least no more old men will go missing.

Elaine: Speaking of missing, what about Jonathan, I thought he was in jail?

Mortimer: Oh didn't you hear? He disappeared from prison.

Elaine: Oh my! Do you think he could've-

Mortimer: Escaped? Not a chance, even if he did he would've been shot on site. There's no chance of us running into him and that crazy doc-

(At that moment Mortimer and Elaine run into Jonathan and Doctor Herman Einstein)

Mortimer, angrily: You!

Jonathan, frighteningly calm: Me.

Dr. Einstein, trying to break the tension: Mortimer and Ms. Elaine! How very well you both look. Such a shame about the circumstances, ja? They were wonderful ladies. M-My deepest, eh, condolences. Well, Chonny, we'd better get going. (He clings to Jonathan's arm insistently)

Jonathan: Not yet, darling. Can't you see I'm catching up with family. (He smiles at the doctor, surprisingly kindly, before turning to Mortimer with his usual cold expression

Mortimer: You should be in prison! You awful, vile, disgusting-

Elaine: Now, Mortimer!

Jonathan: No, I understand completely. Yes Mortimer, you are correct in your assumption, I should. But, when I heard of my dear aunties' death, I simply had to get out. And besides, I've changed.

Mortimer: Changed?! Just how stupid do you think I am?

Jonathan: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to, brother. And I'm quite serious. I've realized taking my rage out on innocents around the world is simply unfair, and that tracking you down and tearing you limb from limb is pointless, no matter how tempting. So, I'm done with all of that. The doctor here gave up schnapps, I gave up murder, and as much as I hate to admit it, we're both the better for it. I've discovered better ways to deal with things, and so has he.

Mortimer: If you think I believe that for just one second, you aren't just crazy, you're stupid!

Jonathan: You have a wife and, if I'm not mistaken, a daughter? It would be a shame if you left them so soon.

Mortimer: If you had truly changed and became a normal citizen, you wouldn't say things like that, nor would you have that-that sodomite of a surgeon clinging on your arm!

Elaine: Now Mortimer really! Is this what your aunts would've wanted?

Mortimer: Well I'm not wrong, am I? You know, grandfather was right about you, Jonathan. You always were rather odd. Stange, in fact. Why, many people would remark on just how queer you were, and I see you've only gotten more like that over time.

(Johnathan lunges, only to be stopped by Einstein, they walk away, Einstein calls for Frank to follow.)

Mortimer: Lucy! We're going home, c'mon.

Lucy, a pale, blonde little girl with thick glasses follows.

Lucy: Who were those men you were talking to? Are they family? Because they've never visited.

Mortimer: Now Lucy, don't ask so many questions, only strange girls do that. And no, they most definitely aren't.

Lucy: Oh.

(The stage darkens)