Bodies In Our Cellar (Arsenic And Old Lace 2: Electric Boogaloo)

Act 1, scene 3

Lights up on a stage decorated as a graveyard. Lucille, a tall, pale blonde in a sensible dress and large dark glasses, enters stage left, sits down against a headstone, removes her dark glasses, pulls a book out of her school bag and begins to read. After a few moments, Frank, a shorter, wiry boy in grubby jeans and an interesting jacket, he's covered in Frankenstein-like stitches, enters from stage left casually, holding a monster mask. He notices her, puts on the mask and begins to awkwardly sneak towards her.

Lucille: (not looking up) I can see you, so if you're trying to scare me it isn't going to work, sorry.

Frank  stands there for a moment, awkwardly.

Frank: How??

Lucille, sarcastically: I have eyes in the back of my head

Frank: Really?

Lucille, incredulously: No. What are you even doing here?

Frank: I could ask you the same question, madam.

Lucille: I'm reading.

Frank: You're deranged.

Lucille, deeply offended: I most certainly am not.

Frank: What sane person reads in a graveyard?

Lucille: So now the overgrown trick-or-treater is going to tell me what is and isn't normal. Who are you anyways?

Frank: (he extends his hand to her, but not before he wipes it on the front of his shirt) Francis Einstein, at your service, but if we get to becoming friends, you can call me Frank!

Lucille looks at him unconvinced, she doesn't shake his hand.

Lucille: (dryly) If you're an Einstein, then I'm a Roosevelt.

Frank: I'm being honest! One of my parents is a distant, distant relative of ol' shock top. Some kinda 8th cousin, four times removed. But hey, still an Einstein. You this cynical about everything? (Said good naturedly)

Lucille: ( begins to crack a smile) Just about. I'm sorry, I know I'm being sour but today had been...(she sighs) oh nevermind. I'm Lucille. Lucille Brewster. But, I suppose, if we become friends, you could call me Lucy.

Frank: Well Lucy-

Lucille: We aren't that close yet.

Frank: -Lucille. I'm awfully sorry about trying to scare you. It was real nasty of me. So, you got any dead relations?

Lucille: (flatly) Is this how you make all your new friends?

Frank: Considering I don't meet a lot of people while taking a shortcut home through a cemetery-- no.

Lucille: Fair point. Well, yes I do, I mean, I suppose everyone does. Not in this particular cemetery though, which I supposed was what you were asking. My great aunts passed when I was a little girl. They were really the only family I was ever close with, I saw them a lot. (She realizes she's been rambling, genuinely) I mean, I'm sure you didn't want to hear that, but there's your answer.

Frank: That's real sad, Lucille. I'm sure they were real sweet. I had a pair of aunts too. Didn't see them much though, my family used to travel a lot. They were nice, though, I just wasn't really, I dunno, attatched to them.

Lucille: (wanting to change the subject) Nice Frankenstein mask, by the way! I'm not really allowed to watch horror flicks, but I've read Mary Shelley's book. I especially like the stitches you've done on yourself, they look so real!

Frank: (chipper)  That's cause they are!

Lucille: Oh my God, my apologies.

Frank: Hey, it's no big deal! Trust me, I've heard way worse. Really, I'm not mad. It's damn near Halloween, I understand.

Lucille: Please forgive me, but could I ask how-

Frank: I'd prefer if you didn't. Trust me, if I was in your shoes, I'd do the same but, nah. I don't really like talking about it. Now, pardon my hypocrisy, but what's with the shades?

Lucille: (takes them off) I'm albino. I'm sure you could tell something was off with my skin but now you know. Pretty freaky, huh.

Frank: Woah! You ever think about doing movies?

Lucille: Yeah, horror.

Frank: Hey, don't sell yourself short, ma'am! You ever heard of paranormal beauty? You'd make a stunning vampiress, or hey! You'd wouldn't be half bad as some elegant vengeful spirit or the queen of the moon-people! I ain't trying to flirt with you, either. I ain't really fond of romance in general. I just think you've a face for the silver screen.

Lucille: Well Frank, has anyone ever told you you could sell water to a drowning man? Believe me, that would he nice, and, I'm flattered that you have no ulterior motives, but, I don't think people have the same ideas of celebrity beauty as you, though, I think it'd be a better world if they did. (She smiles, deciding to play along) They'd have to fim me in technicolor, wouldn't they?

Frank:  Well of course! (He puts on the voice of a seasoned advertiser) Starring in the newest supernatural picture, it's Ms. Lucy Brewster! The albino beauty from Brooklyn, her ethereal, ember-eyed beauty shown to you in Meyer-Goldwin's technicolor!

(She laughs)

Lucille: Alright then Francis, maybe you aren't such a creep after all.

Frank: And perhaps you ain't that deranged either, and please, call me Frank.

Lucille: I suppose you can call me Lucy, then. Well, I'd best get going-

Frank: Wait! Do you think you could come to this graveyard after school tomorrow? It's sorta nice to have a new friend...

Lucille: I'd have to agree, I don't really have many friends myself. I'll try, but my father can be kind of strict about these sorts of things, but I'll try! I really must get going though- say, do you have the time?

Frank: (glances at his watch) Quarter 'till five, why?

Lucille: Oh God! My dad'll kill me! (She begins to run) Goodbye Frank! It was good to meet you! I'll try to be here tomorrow! If it's past four 'o' clock you don't have to wait after that!

Frank: I'll wait anyways, friends are worth waiting for, yknow! I'll hold a memorial if your dad does end you though! G'bye!

(Lights down, end of scene)