monsoon ⚣ wolfstar ✓

☾

The final reason was you.

You were the only reason that really meant anything. You are worth more than any stupid thing.

I wouldn't be able to be with you if I was gone.

That was the tenth reason, but ten wasn't enough.

By the time you are reading this, I'm gone.

I've been planning this for a while now, angel. I've made sure I won't fail. I want this.

And I know. You're going to be mad at me. And then mad at yourself because you'll think it was your fault. That you weren't enough. You were more than enough, angel.

And I owe you an explanation.

I have lied to you many times, love. I'm sorry for that.

My name is not James Potter.

I am Sirius Black, and that's a reason I had to go.

I'm sorry. When we first met, you asked my name, and it was a chance to start over. I wouldn't be Sirius Black when I was with you. I wouldn't be me.

So, I told you I was my best friend.

James Potter was my best friend my whole life, until one year, five months, and twenty seven days before you and I met.

He and his girlfriend died in a car crash because of a drunk driver.

I took his name because it was the first that popped into my head and I wanted you to know me as someone else.

I'm sorry.

And I told you what the bruises were from.

I told you they were from mishaps. I told you I was clumsy, that they were love bites. I told you the cuts were from falls and scratches.

I lied.

They were from my parents.

They abuse me. I'm not sure when it started. It used to just be a slap when I misbehaved, but when they discovered my sexuality, it got much worse.

It's usually out of nowhere. Sometimes my father just comes in my room and does what he wants with me.

And I'm not sure I can handle it much longer.

Why would I live if living means so much more pain than death would be?

The closest thing to heaven I believe exists is you. That's why I've been calling you angel.

And I can't even have you. I know you're straight, angel. You tense up when I touch you at all. That breaks my heart because all I want to do is hold you.

But I can't.

And if having you is all I've ever wanted and I can't have that, why keep on living?

Dying will be quicker and easier than falling asleep.

Goodbye, Remus Lupin.