LETTERS

Part 4 : Frustation

I'm frustrated. And I feel like I want to cry.

What will happen if I got a very bad score on my midterm exam ?

I wish I want to shout and cry as loud as I can.

This is so frustrating.

In time like this I feel like a coward. I feel I'm the most worst and stupid person.

And here I've thought for countless time for dying, yet I knew we only live once.

But somehow it's super depressing me .

I always wish I'm smart, but I am not.

I always wish I can be a positive person, but I can't. I'm to pessimistic.

I it's what's makes me frustrated so much that I always think dying us the best way.

I know I always keep running, but I can't stand it.

I always try to control my anger by punching the wall.

It help. I could calm down afterward. But there's time when I can't calm down.

A time when I wish I never been born.

A time where I wish I'll never feel any emotion.

A time where I wish I was born as other people.

Born as a smart one. Not born as a coward, introvert, pessimistic child.

I always wish I could change myself. But also I can do is just put up an emotionless face.

Put up a fake smile pretend that I'm fine, but actually not fine. Pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not.

For many years till I can express any emotion. Even if someone hurt me I want show any emotion.

I wonder wether I could fine the one that's know me in and out of me. Someone who see me for who I am. Someone who are trustworthy and loyal.

But all of that are just a pipe dream. It's not use for me to think of it. Since something like that won't ever happen.

Not anyone else could understand me better than I do.

I don't mine living up all the years by myself. I'm not afraid to be lonely. For the years that I've spent have been all alone with me. Only me.

And I'm fine. No one can I ever trust nor you.

It's so hot that my eye starting to pouring tears down.

But of course I have the right to dream like other girls. Despite of a pipe dream, I just wish I could live the life that I want.

I won't say thank you for listening to my heart content. But still, thank you, even if it's only a person.

I never espect you to understand this complicated feelings of mine.

- Emerentia Chi