sporadic tales of the youth

une.

i. stop lying to yourself.
-.-.-.-.-

-/just because you're the one who says it out loud doesn't make it any truer./-

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She's hopelessly crushing on a boy with the name of Ansem, whom she's currently staring slash glaring at.

To be blunt, she doesn't like it one bit.

Yeah. She doesn't like that she likes her crush. Or to be more accurate, she doesn't like her crush.

It's a bit of a paradox, she acquiesces, but hey, life is a paradox in itself.

Anyways, she doesn't like him much. There're a lot of reasons why, but she isn't really fond of lists and bullets and all that. She prefers summaries.

So in a nutshell, he's pretty lazy, kind of slow, and walks like a drunkard, a sort of person she mostly disdains.

Well, it isn't that either. She can't exactly give an apt description.

It's...complicated. Let's leave it at that.

She doesn't really know. She isn't that good with descriptions, after all.

(Humph. No wonder why her and her ex-crush don't really talk much anymore.)

Anyways, she doesn't even know why she likes him in the first place. She guesses it all goes back to that Science something contest (what's it called again?); it's where their (somewhat) friendship has been established, after all. That, and his unexpected seriousness draws her in.

(And he's been awfully serious lately, what with the upcoming class Speech Recital and all.)

Then again, most of the time he's just the same faux-drunk idiot he is.

...Still, her lips smile every time they talk. She can't help it, he's pretty fun to hang out with.

Ugh, it's confusing.

Due to this, she often asks a lot of people for advice pertaining to her predicament; of course, she avoids any mention of his name, she'll rather not have a repeat of last time, after all.

(But they eventually figure it out, anyways. I mean, it's not like she isn't that discreet about it.)

(Thankfully, they don't mercilessly taunt her with it, nor do they spread rumours.)

The aforementioned people usually reply with the lines of, 'It's obvious, I can feel you become happier around him'. Strangely enough, he's pretty dense about the whole situation.

Oh well, he's an idiot anyways, so it's not much to mull over.

There're also times she hovers over his name in her Facebook chat box (he's nearing her Favourites; kind of an achievement, really) and thinks about typing out her infatuation for him. Eventually, though, she'll chicken out, because one, it's honestly kind of stupid, and two, she's always been of a coward when it came to matters like these.

Third, she also has a feeling he already knows.

Cue the stereotypical 'oh-crud' feeling every teenage girl experiences.

...Okay, maybe it's not mandatory this time, because to be honest, she doesn't know why it's a big deal, really.

It kind of is, but it also isn't...? AGH.

Also, if that is indeed the case, she's kind of glad he's not as openly disturbed as he ought to be-having a girl who constantly acts high pine for your affections can be kind of unsettling-and just wishes he won't make mockery of it behind her back.

(She doubts that he actually knows; heck, even his close friend-who happens to be also friends with her-has no inkling whatsoever.)

(Hopefully.)

She also knows she doesn't really stand a chance, considering she isn't really girlfriend material.

(Brash, crude, harsh, loud, blunt, violent, immature, and threatening does not a good girlfriend make.)

She can also feel the piercing stares of people who know this fact whenever she makes a move (maybe along the lines of awkwardly awkward-ing). Especially when she has once accidentally bumped her head onto his shoulder from too much laughter that one time... god, that's been real embarrassing.

She rather be not an object of judgement, thank you very much.

So instead of chasing after him like a dog to its master, she secretly relishes the moments where they just poke fun at each other. Where he jokingly flirts with her, talks with her about anime, games and the like, actually have some real-talking, and just share some random ideas. Moments like these are kind of rare for her, with her being calm and pleasant and not acting like on a constant high.

It's just nice to know that he views her as a friend, and personally, it's already enough.

She's not looking for the perfect, hackneyed romance or anything like that, you know? "I love you", "You're my world", "I need you",  "We'll be together forever"...

Ew.

Friendship is fine. Seriously all hunky-dory.

He may be an idiot and all that, still, he's got a nice voice, decent art skills, awesome ideas, cool stuff, is kind of intelligent and can play instruments.

Well, he's not actually perfect, but, hey, she's not complaining.

And well....that's it. That's the whole story. No 'she gets the guy' or 'she gets her heart broken' ending whatsoever. Just a normally confused girl who rants about her everyday adolescent predicaments.

(And gorgeous happy nor melodramatic endings don't suit her; she prefers sharing a quirky smile and a playful shove. Just pure, genuine, teenage awkwardness.)

Funnily enough, she feels relieved. Like, a weight has been lifted from her chest.

Besides, she doesn't want to lie to herself anymore.

Also, Ansem's a pretty awesome guy, and honestly, he's not that much of an eyesore.

(Hm, maybe she'll tell him all these things some other time.)

-.-.-.-.-

She's hopelessly crushing on a boy with the name of Ansem, whom she's currently smiling and laughing with.

But you know, it's actually kind of nice.

(And maybe she can tell him that, too.)

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