Steven Universe One shots

~Lapis Angst~

Warning: Suicide thoughts and Action. Read at your own risk.

The feeling of loneliness. The feeling of forget will always be deep inside no matter how much I try, no matter how I look at it.

Lapis took a deep breath as she looked down. Her hand covered in blood. Her face a dark red from her touching it, from freaking out.

I lie awake for hours. The darkness consumes me as I think, as I watch my world fall around me. Where I watch a happy little girl turn into a sleepless monster.

"Mommy watch me!" Little laps yells. Her arms far above her head as she tried to reach for the bar. Her mother was off to the side attending to her little sister. Oh how lapis felt so alone that day. How she felt like all the stress was on her. "Ah!" Her hand slipped and she fell. But no one heard. Her mother was far and no one else was at that park that cold Autumn morning.

The endless doctor appointments. The endless medication. But nothing helps, I always come back to my old habits. To the things that slowly kill me.

Lapis looks down at the blade and then back into the mirror. The blood was almost dried and it looked like a murder scene. She brought the blade to her wrist and began to slide it across. It felt so graceful, almost like Pearls dance, just not as much blood.

Her lifeless eyes looked back at her as she felt nothing. Not the point of the blade. Not the slice of her skin. Not the burning feeling of her flesh crying for help.

The thoughts are all to much. The thoughts are endless dreams of what I wish I could say, or what I said. The thoughts are dark, darken then the midnight skies.

Six year-old Lapis looked up at the sky. It was so dark. It felt like an nightmare she couldn't escape. She watched the moon light the sky. Oh How she wanted to be up so high. Away from all this responsibility. She knew someone her age should be out having fun. Not stuck in her grandparents home being the mother her mother couldn't be.

Oh how I wish I could fly. Be free like the birds. Not feel my hot tears run down my cheek this cold December day. How I long to be a better person.

Lapis about the age 8 watched her own mother be pulled out of her home. She remembers the flashing red and blue light and cars gather down the block. How their loud voice asked her mother to cooperate with them. How a police officer walked into her room and asked if she had knew anyone to pick them. But the fear of being away from her mother stopped her from talking. She remembers them ducking her head and putting her in the back of the car, as she stood by the widown and watched.

I can't look at a bottle of pills and think about the countless times I've wanted to take more then 6. I can't go outside and explore the outside without remembering the days I've wanted to run, I've just wanted to get away.

She looked down at the pill bottle. She had just put it way. The killer headache wouldn't leave her alone. Wouldn't let her sleep. She took the bottle in her hand and threw it against the wall. The thin plastic not doing shit, making the pills spill on the floor. She fell to knees and cried out. Hitting the floor endless, trying to escape, trying to be free.

Always show you care. No matter what. It was something I told myself everyday. Every night. Because if you show your support to those who need it no one will know you need help. But it's so hard when you can't express feelings that are long gone.

Lapis looked at her friends. The group not feeling close enough. She listened to friend talk about their feelings but nothing came out. She looked away, trying to get out of the conversation. Feeling so uncomfortable from the place it was at. She tried to change the subject, only getting rejected.

You know I did see a therapist once. She taught me ways to keep my anger under control. How I remember talking to the stranger, talking to someone who had no idea what I was capable of.

"And how do you feel about this?"

"Okay I guess?" Lapis took a deep breath and looked out the window. "I'm not a fan of it. I just want to be like the picture my mom had me out to be for her friends." She looked at the clock that wouldn't stop moving. "It makes me angry at times,"

The therapist nodded, "have you been trying the exercises I have given you?"

Lapis looked at the person and nodded. Lies. She knew all of it was her lieing to keep her safe.

I use to chase my siblings with knives, and would pretty much threaten anyone that dare say I was wrong. I remember being eveyones seconds. If a friend couldn't make it, I was always asked last.

Have you felt that? Felt so trapped you thought you were going to drown.

Have you ever heard the words of your own mother say "I'm disappointed in you," or "You could do better,".

Have you felt so much hate from your own sibling that you knew your own family would perfectly fine with out.

Lapis looked at herself in the mirror before finding her blood vessel and pushing the blade through. She felt nothing as she pushed it up all the way to her shoulder. She wanted the pain gone, she wanted to fly high like the birds, she wanted to be loved by something one last time. One more time before her life was gone. But it didn't happen. It never happen because she found herself crying every night. She whispered her finally goodbyes as her eyed dropped and her felt the cold floor.

And it was over. The feeling of nothing.

Everything.

Was.

Gone,

Done for.

If there is anything that doesn't sound right let know! I just love Lapis!

Requests or prompts?~~~~~~~~~~