Loving Jane

Twenty One

Sebastian escorted me to a visitor waiting area after I had a good cry. He left me briefly to get me water. For a brief moment I had been alone, I gathered my wits. How was I going to explain it to him? I could hardly admit it out loud.

Jealous. I was jealous of seeing him with someone else. The emotion was so bare that it struck me to the core. How could I let me affect me so easily?

When he returned, I was in a rational mindset. Yet I know I can't tell him, explain to him the reason behind my tears.

He handed me a small paper cup. "Here, drink this."

I didn't meet his gaze and took the cup. "Thank you," I said and took a small sip of the cold water.

For a moment, he lingered in front of me, standing idly. When I still didn't look up to him, he sighed and sat down on the empty seat beside me. "Jane, did something happen?" He asked worriedly.

"I'm fine, Seb, really. It was nothing. I was just," I paused, trying to think of a better word for it that wasn't completely a lie, "overwhelmed with emotions. That's all."

"Why? Did something upset you or was it...?" He trailed off like he had realized something. "Was it her?"

I turned away, keeping my face from his view, and took another sip of my water. "Who?" I feign innocence, peering briefly back at him. I'm not sure I could still hide my emotions with furry eyes and flushed cheeks.

He gave me a strained smile and cautiously reached out for my hand. "If you stayed, I could have introduced you to my sister – well, step-sister, actually."

I took another sip of my cup but didn't realize it was already empty. I cleared my throat and slowly stood up, "I think I should get more water. My throat is still dry."

Before I walked away, Sebastian who still held my hand tightened his grip. "Jane."

My body went rigid. I sighed heavily and finally met his gaze. "Please don't think too much of it. I'm sorry for overreacting. I truly didn't know what came over me."

He smiled and nodded towards my chair. "Please sit. And I won't think too much of it."

I searched his eyes, waiting for some kind of reaction. Yet his smile remained. When I didn't budge, he raised one of his eyebrows in prompt. It was then I nodded and sat back down. My hand clenched on the paper cup I held, feeling agitated at what'll come next. But Sebastian gave the hand he still held a cautious squeeze.

"It's okay, Jane. I understand," he said softly. "Though I'm a bit surprised by your reaction. I've never thought that I'd –" He abruptly stopped with a chuckled. "I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. It's me who I'm laughing at because I'd never expected you to actually feel that way towards me."

I kept quiet. Not knowing what to say.

So, he kept the conversation flowing, patiently waiting for me to open up again.

"You know, when I first saw you with him, I felt so frustrated, angry, and just devoid of pain. I didn't know what it was I was feeling for a moment until I saw you again with him, feeling the same surge of emotions." He paused and laughed in dry humor. "I have to admit, back then, I wanted to just forget you. For a moment, it did cross my mind. But then I felt even more wretched to even try to forget. So, I accepted my faith. Maybe that's why I was able to keep my feeling for so long. I knew to accept you'd never return it. Yet here you are."

I squeezed his hand back and then met his gaze. "I'm sorry for making you feeling wretched for all these years, Seb. Maybe this is payback," I added in jest.