Shattered Reality

I

Her feet kicking back and forth. Her curls bouncing and shining, a coppery red in the sun. Her beautiful smile with so much joy and life behind it. The wind surrounding her. I smile to myself knowing that this person, this carefree little human that I created, is perfection. As I just stare in awe, I am distracted by the sounds of life moving around the park. Children laughing, parents chatting it up, car horns, and ice cream truck music. This is the part of life that is worth living.

"Mommy" she yells, slightly scaring me out of my thoughts.

"Mani, you scared the crap out of me". She laughs as that was her intentions.

"What are you doing mommy?"
"Just thinking Jasmani, just thinking"

"Are you thinking about daddy, she asked.

Sadness takes over. It has been 6 months since her father Armani died. It broke my heart because it broke her heart. That was her everything. Morning, noon, and night it was daddy this and daddy that. They were the best of friends. I supported that. Every girl should feel that way about their daddy. I never had that with my father. I don't even know who he is, what he looks like, if he knows I exist. That pain never subsides, and I didn't want that for my daughter. It didn't matter that he cheated on me. It didn't matter that he used his words to belittle or abuse me. It didn't matter that he was violent and assaulted me. The hurt little girl in me was always alive and I knew that I never wanted Jasmani to feel that pain no matter how much of it I had to endure. Now he was gone. I couldn't protect my daughter from pain. She was a soldier through it all. She was the one straightening my crown when I couldn't hold my head up. She was stronger than I.

"I always think about your father, Mani, but I am thankful that I have a piece of him in you. I don't want to talk about this right now. Let's go get some ice cream from the truck and head home".

"Sounds good to me", she replied.

We get our favorites, strawberry shortcake bar for me and a popsicle in the shape of a princess with bubble gum eyes, for her.

We get into the car and head home to start dinner and get ready to end the day.

I glance back in my rearview mirror and look at my baby girl. With all that has happened in life she is the one thing I feel I did right. She was asleep. She looked just like Armani. The long brown eyelashes, the head full of curls, that beautiful bronze skin tone. The perfect shaped features: almond shaped eyes, perfectly proportioned nose, and little full lips. Like he created her all by himself. She was the only thing that softened his heart. He was handsome, charming and smart. He knew just what to do and say to get people do what he wanted them to do. He made you feel like you were the most important person in the room. That's how he was when he needed to be. How he was when we met. I know now why the call new relationships "the honeymoon phase". It was fairytale worthy. Then I met the true him. The controlling, vindictive, most ego driven person I have ever met. That was the real him. The him that was present when he already had you where he needed you. I think back to the time I got pregnant.

Christmas 2013

It was surprisingly warm for December in Boston. I was disappointed because I wanted it to be a white Christmas. It was a Friday and we had a whole weekend of plans with our families. We were at Armani's families house as we stayed Christmas Eve night. His mother was Dominican and traditionally they spend Christmas Eve together and make a big dinner. His mother was the sweetest most accepting and genuine person I ever met. She was beautiful, smart, and so mild mannered. She was the life of the holidays always ready to dance and have a good time. Sometimes it surprised me how someone so volatile was birthed by someone so kind.

"Jasmine, come do a shot with me"

I was not feeling well and knew that drinking wasn't going to help that. "Ma I'm not feeling that great I don't want to mix that with alcohol".

"Que pasa hija" she asked with a concerned look.

"I don't know I just feel uneasy and a little shaky"

"Ven conmigo" she said holding out her hand.

We walked upstairs to her bedroom and she shut the door behind her.

"Is everything ok?" She asked with a worried look on her face.

I was never one to divulge what went on behind closed doors but that was his mother. The woman who raised him. She knew him better than he knew him self.

"It's the same as it always is", I answered. She knew what I meant. I felt safe with her. She knew my struggles with Armani and never tried to make me feel weak or try to convince me that it was right. The first time I ever told her things that went on with him, she took my side and confronted him. That was the first time I had to call the police on him. He came at me with a vengeance. The fact that I confided in his mother sent him over the edge. Since that she never shares what I tell her but she supports me and pushes me to be better and stronger.

"That's my son Jas, but I am a woman. If he can't love you without hurting you than you need to leave. Love doesn't hurt. I know it's the same thing you already know pero it's not worth it."

I knew all of what she was saying but I also knew without him I was back at square one.

"I can't leave."

"Por que?"

"I am pregnant. I took the test last night and it was positive." She hugged me so tight and I knew that she felt the fear and uncertainty that I was feeling. I started to cry because I knew that I was not ready for this and that this now connected me to Armani forever.

"Does Mani know?" I shook my head no.

"Do you want me to call him in?" I shrugged. I was fighting back tears. Tears of confusion, anxiety and fear.

"Mani, ven", she yelled from the room. It felt like he flew he was there so fast and I felt like I was going to pass out. We had been together for 2 years and we never talked about having kids. The one conversation we had regarding kids was him telling me about his father and how his death hurt him severely. He stated that he was scared to have kids because the thought of leaving them and them feeling what he felt was unbearable. I did bring it up again but he was in a mood and didn't want to talk about it.

"What's up Mami?", he asked his he came into the bedroom looking at me with a puzzled look. When she shut the door he rolled his eyes preparing for a conversation he didn't want to have.

"Hijo, we need to talk".

I could see his jaw tightening as he clenched it looking at me with a mix of confusion and anger. "Wassup?" he asked directed at me.

Tears began welling back up in my eyes and I couldn't get myself to say what I needed to. He was becoming agitated so I just blurted it out.

"I'm pregnant."

His eyes went from my tear filled eyes to his mothers joy filled ones.

"Ok."

That was it. Ok. Nothing else. No emotion either positive or negative. Just ok. His mother read my mind.

"Just ok?? Papi you are going to be a father, are you not excited?"

"It's whatever she wants to do. It's not my choice or body so what am I supposed to say?"

I started getting angry. I just wanted him to show some interest in building a family with me. Some reassurance that we were in this together. But all I got was a dry "ok".

We pulled up to the house, and I gently woke Jasmani and got her in the house. I made something quick to eat, bathed her and got her ready for bed. Once she was sleep, I cleaned up the kitchen and sat down to watch a little tv. The news was on. I watched a little but the news depressed me. Nothing but hate and tragedy. After a few minutes of sitting and daydreaming I looked up and saw it was 9:00pm. I had to get to bed. I had therapy in the morning.