Restoration

7. Step Two

I found my voice.

"I'm well, Damond, thank you. How are you?"

"I'm doing great, Patience. Even moreso now that I'm getting a chance to have a session with you. Can you do me a favor before we begin and do a 360 of the room with your laptop?"

I shot him a quizzical look but did as he asked, standing up to show him the entire sunroom.

"Thank you. I just wanted to ensure we were alone. If we're not alone at any point, I want you to flash me two fingers, like the peace sign."

I nodded in understanding.

"Let's jump right in. Can you tell me from the beginning to the present about your relationship with James? Your thoughts, emotions, feelings along the way?"

My mind was a blank screen when I tried to access more than the facts of our relationship. My emotions and thoughts on our marriage – what were they?

"That is a lot to ask off the bat. Why don't I ask you specific questions, and you can answer them to the best of your ability?"

I smiled in relief. "That sounds perfect."

"In one word, describe your relationship before you came to America and your relationship currently."

"Sweet, in the beginning, though it was fake – he didn't really care for me at all."

Damond hummed in acknowledgment.

"Now, it's..."

Hell on earth.

The worst experience of my life.

A soul-sucking ordeal.

"...difficult."

"Difficult?"

"Yes," I responded simply.

"In one word, describe your perception of James at the beginning and currently."

"In the beginning, he was perfect, though I knew he was human and would eventually show me the flaws that he did have."

I paused. I didn't want to give voice to how he seemed to me now – it would make it all too real. And were my thoughts truly accurate? Maybe "abusive" had been too strong of an indictment.

"Patience, you seem to me to be doing a lot of thinking right now. Is that correct?"

I sighed.

"I-it's just a lot to think about," I offered tentatively.

The man smiled warmly, and I felt myself relax.

"Patience, your thoughts are valid, and I want to hear all of them. Even if you think something in your mind is incorrect or over-the-top, I want you to tell me. That's what I'm here for."

I nodded, feeling surprising wetness on the rims of my eyes. His words moved over me like a soothing hand.

"I want to take a step back. Is that ok?"

I nodded again.

"Talking with James and having him go through some material, it is clear to me that his behavior towards you can easily be classified as abusive."

I flinched, and Damond paused.

"How are you feeling about that? Does that line up with how you see your relationship?"

"It does." My voice sounded so small and inconsequential in my ears. "I think abusive is correct."

"For most couples I counsel, reconciliation and restoration are the ultimate goals. Notice I said 'most'. There are circumstances, such as yours, where reconciliation may not be the best course. In a non-abusive marriage, one partner may have to do some heavy lifting for a while before the other partner is equally on board. That is not what I want from you.

You have every right to expect progress from James before committing yourself to this process. James may have been the reason you agreed to this counseling, but if you continue, my hope is you will find your own reasons to want to restore your marriage.

Does this all make sense?"

I nodded in affirmation.

"Patience, my priority right now, before working on your marriage, is ensuring you're safe from physical harm. Are you? If not, do you have a place you can go?"

I thought of Michael and almost tasted the heady aroma of his cologne.

"I'm safe. James has been pretty much avoiding me."

This was true and actually starting to piss me off. He realizes he's abusive and now decides to leave me alone and ignore me, as if he has a right to feel bad. He could yell at me when he pleased. He could be silent when he pleased. How nice to be a fully autonomous adult. I had never known the feeling.

Must be nice.

"Ok. Let's discuss what I will be doing with James, as well as the signs that he's truly improving. I want you to be fully informed."

xXx

"How was your session today?"

"Fine."

For the first time in a long while, I rolled my eyes as I moved past him. He said nothing about my gesture, though I could feel his eyes on my back. Seemingly neutered and flaccid, James was beginning to annoy me, more than frighten me. A little smack on the wrist from reality turned him into a subdued, moody child.

My fear of him was still present – its electric, frigid fingers caressed me at every corner – , but I could feel contempt joining me in this big, quiet house. It grew with every silent, longing look from James – with every muted response from him – with every time he pointedly avoided touching me unnecessarily.

Would he never speak? Would he never own up to what he did? Was he ever going to ask me that terrible, but beautiful question on that worksheet?

Coward.

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Author's Note

I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter. My husband and I welcomed our little one into the world in October, and, as you can imagine, my time has been focused on getting into a rhythm with a new person to take care of. I hope to be more regular about writing moving forward!

Also, Patience's realization that James is abusive may appear quick, but please remember she has been married to him for 1-1/2 years and has had time outside the frame of this narrative to evaluate their relationship.