Jean x Marco

The morning after. (Jean)

When I opened my eyes I was decidedly torn between not wanting to face reality, but also wanting to avoid the nightmares I knew would ensue if I let myself fall back asleep. I might as well wake up, I thought to myself, but remained stationary in bed. "Jean?" Marco asked shyly, "Are you going to get up? Or do you want me to bring breakfast back for you?" His voice made me sit straight up. I could tell that he still felt guilty about last night and his offer was a way of letting me know that he had forgiven me. I rubbed my eyes, everyone else had already vacated the bunk house which made me wonder how much I had overslept. I looked back at Marco, he was usually an early riser, I was surprised that he hadn't already left for breakfast. I wondered for a moment if he had stayed for my sake, I quickly pushed the thought away, he had slept in, that was all, god knew he was entitled to it every once in a while. He began to dress for the day, I tried to meet his eyes but he looked away, I took the opportunity to study him further, I knew that I shouldn't, if he knew the kind of thoughts I harbored about him he would never talk to me again. And I knew that looking was no good for me either, but I couldn't help it, forbidden thoughts and feelings flooded my mind and I quickly repositioned the blankets so that Marco wouldn't see. "Jean?" He asked, and for a terrifying moment I was sure that he had somehow guessed what I was thinking. "Are you going to breakfast?" He was buttoning his shirt now, God, if only he knew... "Jean? Jean are you listening to me?" His words startled me, "What?" I stuttered, putting my pillow on my lap to hide my erection. "Breakfast Jean. Do you want me to wait for you?" He said with exasperation. "No!" I practically shouted, he jumped back slightly at the intensity of my voice, damn it all, "No." I repeated more calmly this time."I'll catch up with you later, ok?" He looked at me curiously, Please don't ask, I thought to myself, please just leave. "Alright, but you might want to hurry up before Sasha gets your portions." He said. I counted down the seconds until I finally heard the door shut behind him, then I shoved the bundle off of my lap and quickly pulled my boxers down, I would have to be quick, but I needed to take care of this. I closed my eyes and pictured him as I began to stroke, I felt guilty for imagining him this way, but the guilt quickly turned to pleasure as my strokes got faster, precomb began to ooze and I quickly reached for the sock I kept by my bed for exactly this purpose, "Marco..." I whispered as I pulled the sock over, "Marco..." I was close now, just a little more, so close "Marco...!" I whimpered as I finally came. I fell back panting. I felt slightly disgusted with myself, He's your best friend Jean! He doesn't feel the same! When are you going to get that through your thick skull. I knew that there was no chance. I felt empty, the pleasure had long departed and now I only had the guilt. What the hell was wrong with me? I cradled my face in my hand as hot tears streamed down my face, why was I in love with another man? No one else I had met had ever been like me. It wasn't fair, the sobs rose in my throat and I let out a soft cry like an injured animal. Even when I was a child I had been different, I had always known but it hadn't really been a problem for me until I was in the second grade, I cringed at the memory, but I could not prevent it from flooding back, the girls in my class had been making paper hearts, their ringleader had started the tradition by giving one to the boy she liked and soon enough it became a sacred ritual, the implications of which were known by all. It was such a stupid game, but it captivated me along with all the other children. At first I had been surprised by the exchange, I had always imagined that everyone was like me, seeing a girl express interest in a guy had been beyond perplexing, and seeing him accept her affections even more so, I thought about it long and hard before coming to the conclusion that she was the oddity, not me. But as more and more boys started to receive hearts from girls I was quickly forced to face the fact that I was different. I felt a slight degree of separation from my classmates but I assumed that there must be other people like me. I did not fully grasp what my difference meant for me until the day I gave one of the paper hearts away. The recipient looked at me like I was some kind of monster. The other children stopped and gawked in silence. The boy I had given it to, (I can't even remember his name now, only his cruel face) looked around the room as if searching for a cue on how to act, before ripping the paper in two and walking away from me. That hadn't even been the worst part, I remembered as waves of shame and agony traveled down my spine. The teacher, a fat old wench, quickly ordered everyone back to their desks. I followed the command, grateful for the rescue, that was before I felt my desk shake as she slammed her chubby hand down on it. "Jean, would you please come up to the front of the room." Her voice was calm but her eyes were burning. I squirmed down into my seat, wishing that everyone would stop staring at me. "No... no thank you ma'am..." I squeaked, my voice barely even audible. "Jean, upfront. Now." She growled. Slowly I rose from my seat, trying to ignore the chorus of "Ooooooohhhh! Jean's in trooooouuuuuble." That echoed from the mob of my classmates. I took the walk of shame with my head bowed, I didn't know what it was, but I had obviously done something unforgivable. When I reached the front of the room I was sure that I would faint before my sentence could even be read. The teacher followed me like a fat tiger stalking a rabbit. "Jean?" She growled. She licked her lips, as if imagining how I would taste. "...yes...?" I whispered. I felt the impact of her fat hand crack across my face, bringing tears to my eyes. "Look at me when I speak to you Jean!" She commanded viciously as she squished my face between her sausage-like fingers, forcing me to look straight into her bulging eyes. "Now Jean," she hissed, landing flecks of spit on my cheeks, "are you a girl?" The question took me by surprise, and I stared at her, surely it had to be a trick question, it was obvious that I wasn't a girl. I remained silent. "Answer me!" She shrieked, her face becoming livid with rage. "Are you a boy or a girl?" I stared at her, hardly able to process anything beyond the sound of my own rushing heartbeat, "I'm-I'm a boy." I stuttered. "Are you?" She growled. "Y-yes." I knew that my answer was correct but I somehow felt like I was walking into a trap. "You're a boy?" "Yes!" I replied more confidently this time. "Say it!" She hissed. "I'm a boy!" I proclaimed practically sobbing, I didn't know what she wanted from me. "Good." She said leaning back away from me. I felt relieved that I had somehow managed to rescue myself, but as I looked out at the vicious judgmental eyes of my peers I heard her whisper, "Boys like girls." Every day after that one was a constant reminder that I was different. I was a boy, I knew that, but boys liked girls and I did not, what did that make me? Something had gone wrong when I was born, I decided, I wasn't supposed to exist, I felt sure of it, I lacked something basic that everyone else had, why had I been allowed to be born without it, if I was really such a freak I should have died right after birth, my father had told me that thats's what happens to piglets who are different, so why had I been allowed to survive to the brink of adulthood if piglets weren't? I thought that I could push it away, but that was before I had met Marco. I couldn't deny it now, I liked him in a way guys weren't supposed to. Like him? Face it, you're in love with him. It wasn't like I had tried to fall for Marco, it had just happened. I attempted to dry my eyes but the tears were not done. God, why was I thinking about it now? I remembered suddenly that I had agreed to meet him for breakfast. I quickly composed myself, I just needed to hide it for today, You can cry tonight, just be strong until then. With that I sighed and began to pull on my clothes, I just needed to hold it together for now.

I had spied Marco across the dining hall and was heading towards him when I felt an arm link itself with mine, I turned to see a pretty girl with long brown hair. Oh no. I looked down on her, she looked different then I remembered. In the light of day she appeared almost shy, it was strange, "shy" would have been one of the last words I would have used to describe her based on her behavior the previous night. Her face was almost completely hidden behind layers of her straight hair."Hi Jean." She said blushing, "I was wondering if you'd like to eat breakfast with me today." I turned to look at Marco, he smiled and then glared when he saw the girl, "Thanks," I said, "but actually I have other commitments." But as I was about to disentangle from her grip I noticed Marco get up to leave, a look of annoyance on his face. I sighed in defeat, then turned back to the girl, putting on a fake smile, I was going to have to break her heart, considering that, eating breakfast with her and her annoying friends was the least I could do. "Actually, I'd love to eat breakfast with you." I said.
Worst. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
After half an hour of listening to girls giggle and fawn I was ready to slit my own throat with the butter knife. The only useful thing I learned from her friends conversations was that the girls name was Sarah, I would have to remember that. I turned to see Connie and Reiner laughing as Sarah led me out of the dining hall. I was embarrassed to be the subject of their joke, but I knew that whatever they could dream up about Sarah and I wouldn't be nearly as bad as the truth. "So Jean," she said without meeting my eyes, "I was wondering if you might want to come over again tonight." I was somewhat surprised by her offer, but I guess I really shouldn't have been, she was seeking affirmation that she hadn't let the wrong guy into her life, I hated having to be the one to deny her that. For a moment I was tempted to accept her offer, she was inexperienced but eager to please, she had the potential to be a great distraction. "Only if you want to." She added. I really did like her, she was one of those people who genuinely cared about others, but when I thought about the way Marco had looked when he saw us together I knew that I couldn't go through with it. I always hated this part, I could tell that Sarah was a cryer too, I might as well just get it over with, I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry Sarah. But last night was a one time thing. There's...there's someone else." Her blue eyes filled up with tears as a tiny gasp moved past her lips, "It's Mikassa isn't it?! All the boys like her! It's not fair!" She wailed. I stood in silence, nothing I could say could make things any better, but deep down I really did feel sorry for her,because she was in love with someone who would never love her back... just like I was. Sarah ran off crying like a banshee, probably off to go be coddled by her group of friends. Part of me knew that I would miss her, even if for nothing more than the fact that she distracted me, she had been a great distraction, but she wasn't Marco, and no one else would ever be either. Fuck it, you're not going to feel ok again until you get this out of your system. Even if he hates you for it at least you won't have to be hung up on him anymore. I sighed, which reminded me of Marco which only increased my melancholy. I moved my hand to the back of my neck, I might as well tell him now, I really had nothing left to lose and having him yell at me would really be less painful than his ignorance at this point. Fine. I'll do it I might as well make everyone hate me, since I'm on track for it anyways. "Ok Jean," I muttered, "are you ready to go screw yourself over?"