Jean x Marco

Confession (Jean)

I sat staring into the center of the rose, as if the answers to all my problems were hidden within its crimson core. Two voices argued fiercely in my head, one screaming for me to stop, the other urging me onwards. I sighed, just great, I thought to myself, I had come this far and I was still miles away from making an actual decision. I stared at the rose a little harder, knowing that soon I would be able to give myself the push to either get up and leave or stay seated on a bed that wasn't even mine in an empty bunk house. The bed belonged to Marco, it stood out from the other beds in the fact that it was neatly made and the sheets had just been washed, Marco was such a neat freak. A little flicker of heat stirred in my chest at the thought of Marco. I sighed, thats how this whole mess had started, a little flicker of heat, it had been during the second year of our military training, the day had been a cloudy interval between swells of rain, the cadets and I had been practicing using our 3Dgear. It had been cold and all anyone really wanted to do was retire to their beds to restore some fragment of heat to their freezing bones. The attitude of the cadets had been harmoniously apathetic, with Marco being the exception. I remember being annoyed with his enthusiasm, and even more annoyed with the way the cold turned his cheeks and lips a rosy shade of pink. I didn't know what it was about that day, but I couldn't help but notice little things about him, like the way he would take a deep breath before launching on his gear, or the way he would heave a little sigh of relief when he landed safely. I found myself studying him when he wasn't looking, at the time I had told myself that I was just judging him as a potential threat to my position, but it was a lie. When he caught me staring I quickly looked away. I felt that first little flicker of heat along with the sinking feeling that this boy was going to be a huge problem for me. If that was all that had happened then maybe I could have pushed my feelings and my growing sense of dread out of my life, and just pretended that it had never happened. I could have forgotten that freckled boy, and the way he made me feel if it hadn't been for one particularly condemning incident. It happened as we were making our way through the trees, he had simply been crossing my path when his wires jammed, sending me tumbling into him, his body had been hopelessly pressed against mine, making me want things I had told myself I could not have, and with each cursory movement he made in an attempt to untangle us I came slightly closer to revealing my secret. Thank God Krista had stopped to help us, one more second and he would have known. Even thinking about it now I couldn't help the feeling of guilt when I thought about what would have happened if she hadn't helped. It was weird to feel this way about another, man, over the ensuing months I had found myself drawn to Marco, although I hated myself for it I couldn't resist my desire to be close to him, even if it wasn't as close as I wanted. I had tried to convince myself that I was wrong, I sought multiple distractions with the female members of the cadets, but it was hopeless. The noose around my neck just became tighter as I tried to deny it. I looked back at the flower in my hand which had begun to droop pathetically, was this something Marco would like? I had stolen the flower from the planter box of some civilian while I was in town, not the most chivalrous move I'll admit. Come to think of it did Marco even like flowers? I sighed again, this was so completely out of my comfort zone. This wasn't like asking a girl out, flowers were always a winner with girls, but Marco wasn't a girl, would it be weird to give him a flower? "That's it," I said to myself, all the unknown variables had piled up and I had lost my nerve. "God, you're such a coward Jean," I pick up the dying flower, crushing its petals in my fist, it wasn't really an appropriate target for my anger but it was all I had at the moment, how should I get rid of it? It wasn't like I could just throw it in the trash. But where could I discard it where I could be sure he wouldn't find it? Whatever I did I would have to do it soon, Marco would be here shortly, he liked to change into clean clothes before going to dinner, a formality none of the other trainees bothered with. I was starting to get frustrated, I had failed yet again and now I was stuck with a severally mutilated flower. Just perfect! My inner thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the heavy wooden doors that led to the bunk house. No! I had waited too long to get away, now I had to face him. I turned slowly, my entire body felt as if it had just been submerged in ice. Marco stood in the doorway, a look of slight confusion upon his freckled face. "Jean, what are you...," he trailed off as he saw the flower. I froze, I had been caught red handed. Now I either had to fess up, or lie or... run! My feet were moving before I even realized it, all I knew was that I needed to get as far away from Marco, the bunk house, and that damn rose as fast as possible, I shoved Marco out of the way and bolted through the open door. He caught my wrist in a vice like grip I wouldn't have expected from a guy his size. I couldn't do this, I couldn't explain, I couldn't tell the truth, I couldn't do anything. Dammit Jean, what the hell is wrong with you?! Normal guys don't have crushes on their best friends! My inner voice was being especially cruel, but I knew I deserved it. Boys like girls. Ugghhh! Why did I have to remember that wenches words now. I couldn't meet Marco's eyes, I looked away. But before I knew what was happening his face was right in front of mine, I acted on my reflexes and jumped back, startled. Suddenly I realized that I had horrendously misjudged the nature of the action. I looked up at his face, horror and hurt spreading over it. His lips had been pursed, he had leaned in, it was everything I had dreamed of and all I could do was jump away from him. How could you be so stupid!? "Jean...I'm so sorry... I thought..." Marco turned to run, what else could he do? "No please!" I yelled as I grabbed at the fabric of his shirt, "Marco...," I stammered hopelessly. Fuck it, I couldn't think of anything to say. "Don't say it Jean." He said, tears were forming in his eyes as he tried to look away, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, I-I misjudged the situation. But don't ask me about it, because I can't explain. I like other guys and I can't explain it ok?!" He trembled as he spoke. I stopped, he thought I was going to yell at him, he thought I would hate him for it. I couldn't help bursting into laughter, the relief was too much, he was so afraid of the same thing I had been. He looked down on me, defiant anger illuminating his face. "I can't believe that you of all people could be this cruel Jean!" He yelled, his voice hitching with emotion. He didn't understand, and I couldn't even believe my luck, the entire time I had suffered in silence and he had done the same. His words hit something deep inside of me because they could have been my own. I could have cried with joy, he was like me, there was someone else in the world like me. I just looked at his face flushed with rage and shame and I couldn't believe that I wasn't alone anymore. God I just wanted to...to... Before Marco could react I had him pinned up against the outer wall of the bunk house, and before I was even aware of it I was kissing him, for several seconds he stood in shock, but as my lips moved over his they started to respond in kind. All the times I had imagined this, and now I realized thar non of them could even compare to the reality. This can't be real. This is too amazing to be real. This has to be a dream, screw it, I didn't care. I felt like I could have run ten miles on euphoria alone. I pushed my hand into his chest, it was solid, undeniably real. This was real, this was real and Marco was really kissing me. Oh my God! Marco Bodt is really kissing me! He pulled away before I was ready and I wanted more. "Jean, someone might see us." He said, with a little embarrassed smile, his face still blushing pink. He was right, I knew that, and his words reminded me that there was a world outside of us. I shuddered, we had been so careless, anyone could have seen. I quickly looked around to make sure nobody had. After I made certain that we were alone I turned back to him. It had felt so good to kiss him, I wanted to do it again, that and more. I was making up for lost time, months of anguish and lust were being crammed into several moments of desire, and it was too much, there was absolutely no way that I could walk away now. I needed him, more than I ever had before because now I knew it was possible."We have some time before dinner," I said boldly. Marco turned an even more vibrant shade of pink. You're asking for too much! Give the poor boy a chance. Maybe I was asking for too much, this was still new and delicate. Completely uncharted territory, I should wait, but damn it, I HAD waited, I had waited for almost a year, and it was not within my power to hold back now. God, he was so damn cute with his freckled face, black hair, and puppy dog eyes. I grabbed his wrist and lead him inside the bunk house. I needed more. He seemed slightly shocked but he was willing to go with me. Oh my god, can this really be happening, I thought to myself as we crossed the threshold to Marco's perfectly neat bed. "Jean..." I didn't let him finish, I was afraid he would only tell me something I didn't want to hear. So instead I closed the gap between us and kissed him again. I wasn't going to let him go this time,I pushed him down on the bed so he was beneath me. Kissing him the entire time, I regretted having to break away for air. Wow, he smelled amazing, like soap and nutmeg. I leaned in closer to catch the scent again, it clung to the crevices of his jawline and the strands of his hair. I looked at his perfect body sprawled out under me, his arms were above his head and his blushing face sported a shy smile. He was acting calm but I was close enough to feel how fast his heart is actually going. This is too much! It's too soon! He's scared! I knew this, but having him this close, I couldn't help it anymore. I needed more than this. I began to undo the buttons on his shirt, "Jean!" He gasped, his face completely surpassing pink and entering the zone of bright red. I ignored his protests and kept going until his shirt was completely unbuttoned, and his bare chest visible. He halfheartedly tried to cover himself up but I pushed his arms away, God he was beautiful. Slow down Jean, just enjoy this. This is enough for now. His body had been hardened by years of intense military training and I gently traced the definitive outlines of his muscles, he shivered under my touch, "God Jean, your hands are really cold," he whispered. His voice was intoxicating, How much longer could I hold back? Don't even think about it! Focus on something else! I noticed a chain around his neck, strung on it an ordinary looking silver ring. It was an ample distraction, it forced me, at least momentarily to think about something other than his body and how much I wanted it. He noticed me staring, "It's my fathers engagement ring," he explained, "when he died, my mother said it would be mine one day, she gave it to me when I went off to join the military." Marco had lost a parent? I never would have known the way he always seemed so happy, but it makes me feel close to him, it was amazing that I had somehow stumbled upon someone who shared both my strange attraction and my loss. "I'm sorry about your dad." I said, I really didn't want to talk, but I didn't want Marco to think that all I cared about was sex, although it may have been true in the moment. "It's ok." He said sadly, "Sometimes people die, sometimes I think it was for the better, I mean what would he have thought of this?" He gestured to the two of us. He was right, no one else would understand. I had thought that no one would ever understand, I had thought that I had been a freak, maybe I still was, but at least I wasn't alone. Tears built up behind my eyes, I wasn't alone anymore. I wasn't the only one, Marco was the same. Marco was like me. I smiled, I was so lucky. The feeling bubbled up inside of me. All the years of hatred and anger melted away. Tears threatened to spill over my eyes. I couldn't believe it, I was lying here with him, every pain, every tragedy, and it had lead me here, it had had led me to Marco, and it was worth it. I hung over him almost unable to contain my joy, he smiled up at me, and I couldn't help myself. I threw my body down on his roughly, I needed to feel him move against me. I need to touch him with every particle of me. I need to. I was on him, all over him, in my frenzy, kissing every part of his body that I could get to. I had held back for so long, too long, afraid to tell Marco the truth, that now that I had him I couldn't get enough of him. He kissed me back, although maybe with a bit more hesitation. I wished I could let him know everything I felt, then he would know how deeply and how strongly I needed him. There was no way I could put it into words, so instead I kiss him with the finesse and intensity of a starving man devouring a steak. Eventually I found my way back up to his mouth, my hands griped his biceps and slid along his arms until I reach his hands, I intertwined my fingers with his, giving his hand a gentle squeeze, willing him to realize that I want more, oh god I want more. Our hands are pushed back under the pillow, I pulled the rest of my body back slightly, my pants were becoming uncomfortably tight. I wasn't quite sure what to do next. I knew that it was much too soon to ask something like this of Marco, but at the same time part of my wanted him to know what I wanted. I pulled my face back from his so I could see him clearly. I then brought my hips down on him, rutting against him just slightly. I saw his eyes widen as he felt my erection pressed into him. He shifted underneath me and I could feel him beginning to harden as well. That was invitation enough for me, I had to have him now. I reached down to my belt, looking up just in time to see a look of absolute panic cross Marco's face. Oh god, I had gone too far. I immediately stopped, withdrawing from him slightly. His lips trembled. "I'm sorry." I said, "I don't want to pressure you into anything." He looked up at me, still nervous, God, I shouldn't have made him nervous, I had expected too much, way too much. I got off of him and sat with my legs hanging over the edge of his bed, feeling guilty. He came up as well and sat beside me, "Jean...I've never..." He couldn't finish, but I knew what he meant, "Neither have I." I said, trying to calm his nerves. He looked at me skeptically, "Well, at least not with a guy." I added. His hand was shaking when he put it on mine, "How would we even...?" He looked so scared I wanted to kiss him, but then realized that that would only make things worse. "I have a few theories," I said, I hoped I wasn't scaring him too much, "In all honesty I'm not quite sure, I've never met anyone else who was...like us. Have you?" Marco shook his head. "Jean?" He asked timidly, I turned toward him, "Yeah?" I replied. He had a curious look on his face, "Jean... why do you think that we're...you know...?" I was glad that he seemed slightly more relaxed. "I have no idea." I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, "I think we're just defective or something." I saw him wince at the word 'defective', God, why was I so stupid? "Not you, I think you're perfect, it's just... I don't know... I mean we are... different." I wasn't quite sure how to cover up my mistake, but he laid his head on my shoulder and I had to assume that my apology had been adequate. "Yeah we are." He said quietly. He turned to face me, "I'm sorry." He whispered, "About earlier, I-I really wanted to. It's just that...I've never...I mean...I don't... know...how." He was blushing. "Don't apologize, I never should have made you feel like you had to do anything. I asked too much, I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment." I said pathetically. "I'm not ready." He admitted, "But Jean... I really do like you... can it just not go there yet?" He asked, I nodded, "It's up to you. Whatever you want." I said. I really didn't want to push him, but I was admittedly impatient, but he was worth it, I could wait. An uncomfortable silence filled the bunkhouse. Marco was the first to break it, "Can we just... kiss some more?" He asked bashfully. I smiled at him and put my hands on his cheeks, bringing him to me, and locking our lips between us. His lips moved against mine almost curiously, as if trying to find a place they fit. Had he ever kissed anyone before? Probably not, I realized. Marco slowly laid himself back down on the bed, granting me permission to crawl over him again. I tried to be mindful of his anxiety, but it was difficult when his body was so close to mine, damn it, I still wanted more. I couldn't resist, I would just have to convince him that he wanted this as much as I did. I began to inch my hand up between his spread legs. Marco startled at first but then let out a slight moan. "Is this ok?" I asked, already knowing the answer. "Yes." he breathed, his eyes closing. I smiled, I hadn't even reached him yet, and already he was giving in. I knew that if I just went a little further I could tip the odds in my favor. I ran my hand over his covered groin, his clothes were getting in the way but I resisted the urge to remove them, when I felt appropriate resistance I moved my hand up to his chest, dipping several fingers below his waist line. It won't take much more now, look at him, he's scared, but he wants this just as much as you do. For the second time that day my thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the bunk house doors. Marco and I both look up, our perfect moment shattered, to see a short kid with a head of thick blond hair, Armin. Armin stood in the doorway his mouth hanging open, there was no mistaking what had been going on in the bunkhouse. I notice that his arms and legs are all covered in thin gashes and scrapes. "What do you want?" I asked a little less than cordially. Armin seemed like he was still in a little bit of shock. "Ummm...accident...with the 3Dgear, I...I need bandages." He stuttered. "Fine," I growl, "get 'em and get out." I then began kissing Marco's neck, my lust far outweighing my shame. Marco hurriedly pushed me off of him, and pushed himself up into a sitting position."Armin, we can explain," Marco started, "Like hell we can." I said fiercely and attempted to return to kissing Marco. He denied me a second time which was unbelievably frustrating. I had waited so long for this moment, he was so close to letting me too, I wasn't going to let the likes of someone like Armin interrupt us. It wasn't like we could hide what we were doing anyway. The evidence was more than condemning, Marco's shirt was unbuttoned, I was on top of him with my hand down his pants, there was just no reasonable excuse that we could come up with, we were together, there was no other way to look at it. Armin crossed the bunk house to his bed, lifted up the mattress and pulled out a complete first aid kit, I guess Armin is the kind of guy to keep something like that around, just in case. "You can put those bandages on outside." I said aggressively. Armin blushed pink quickly scurried to the door and finally left after what felt like seven centuries in slow motion. I turned my attention back to Marco, he should have had no qualms about kissing me now that Armin was gone, now we could finally pick up where we left off. I looked at him hopefully, but his freckled face was a mask of sorrow. "I'm sorry Jean..." He whispered. Why was he apologizing, it wasn't his fault Armin had not knocked? "Look," he said "there might still be a way to get out of this, if you tell them that I forced myself on you then maybe they'll just tease me and leave you alone." What was he talking about? I realized that he was worried about Armin spilling our secret. I couldn't believe he would take the blame for me. I could see the horrible self-loathing and shame in Marco's eyes, the same thing I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Marco got up to go. "Im really sorry Jean." he apologized again. I heard the dinner bell ring off in the distance. No! I wasn't going to let it end like that! I slammed my hand into the wall behind Marco's head, making him jump,"You listen to me," I growled, "First of all, Armin won't tell anyone, I'll make sure of that, and second of all, I'm not going to be ashamed of this! And you shouldn't either! I'm not going to be ashamed of you, Marco, you're the most amazing person I've ever met, and if anyone wants to say anything bad about you, well, then they can go through me!" Marco's eyes filled with tears, Goddammit, Marco, you're gonna make me cry too. I handed him the clean clothes I knew he hid under his bed, maybe I should mention he hides them there because they have a way of disappearing, I'm not fond of doing laundry, and Marco is about the same size as me, "Come on," I said to him, "change and then we'll go to dinner." I turn around to give him some privacy, I've seen him change before, but we both know things are different now, I can still hear him sobbing slightly, Seriously,stop crying, everything is going to be alright Marco, I'll make it be, you don't need to cry. When he's finished we head towards the dining hall. It's the same walk we take everyday, but today, everything is different, the universe has shifted and nothing will ever be the same again. Mostly it's just nice to not be alone, I was never alone, Marco was always like me, I just hadn't known, it's amazing to have someone who cares, Marco cares, I thought to myself, Marco cares. I repeated that silent thought all the way to the dining hall, afraid that if I stopped thinking it, it would cease to be true. Marco gave me a shy smile and a quick peck before we opened the doors, and I knew I could face anything now.