Brazilian Summer

Chapter 11

Rachel slept very poorly that night, tossing and turning. Every little wrinkle in her bed sheets seemed to bother her and each time she felt like she was drifting off to sleep another detail of either her conversation with Clive or last night with Felipe came back to her and her heart would start to beat fast again. The next morning when she woke up she was still feeling in a frenzy.

She walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water, hoping to wash away the spiraling thoughts with the liquid sliding down her parched throat. They really weren't getting her anywhere. She decided to check on Rafa. Rachel had sat with her last night until her friend had nodded off in her own bed and until she was one hundred percent sure that Rafa was sleeping deeply. Tiptoeing her way across the hallway she opened the door a crack. The shutters were still down and it was very dark, the outline of the figure on the bed completely still. Trying hard to move as silently as possible Rachel pulled the door shut again behind her. If Rafa was still resting that was good news, all the tears yesterday must have exhausted her. Rachel was praying that it wasn't because her friend had also had a sleepless night.

She crossed the apartment and went out onto the balcony. Even though the sun hadn't risen to its full power yet the air was warm already and Rachel let herself fall onto one of the bolstered chairs. She sat staring off into the distance, not noting anything in particular that was going on around her. It was time to get her mind in order and decide on an action plan. How was she going to react to the chaos left behind in her love life after Clive had dropped the 'I want you back' bomb on her?

It had been so hard to even have a conversation with him last night. So far Rachel hadn't realized how much anger she was still holding on to. But after talking to Clive again that became clearly evident. She almost gave a small chuckle at the thought. But still. What he had done to her was deeply unfair and she couldn't forgive him for that. At least not easily and freely. Could she forgive him at all? That was maybe a different question but the one that she needed to find an answer to first was if she was even willing to try.

What a tough decision that was for Rachel! Yeah, it would be nice to have a partner again, it would give her life structure and a direction. She was going to turn 30 next year and she was at a point where she knew with more certainty than ever that she wanted a family. It had seemed so close before she found out about the affair; Rachel would have probably guessed that Clive would have proposed within the next two years. She thought back to all the times they had chatted about baby names and where to go on their honeymoon. It was tempting to think that she could go back to exactly that. Yet of course it was most likely never going to be exactly like that again. And even though Clive had always insisted that he wanted the same thing that Rachel did, he wasn't the only one that could give her that. So that dream shouldn't be the reason she would go back to him. There had to be something more.

Had it been a mistake to admit to him that she still had feelings for him? Now it occurred to Rachel that she could have also easily denied it. Clive probably would have known that she was lying though, she had never been the type to let things go easily. And it hadn't been that long now, right? In her head Rachel was trying to do the math: she had arrived to Brazil six weeks ago now and she'd found out about Clive's cheating a month before she left. So ten weeks in total, two and a half months. Somehow it felt a lot longer than that, and then on the other hand a lot shorter.

Rachel wiped her hands over her face and let out a deep sigh. How was she supposed to make a decision on this? In the past she had found that the best choice was always to go with her gut feeling. But look where that had brought her now. And in addition, she wasn't even sure what it was her gut was telling her. Maybe she had gotten too scared to listen all together? 

So the best thing for her to do, she decided, was nothing. With time usually came more clarity and that was precisely what she would need. Right now it was best for her to fully remove herself from the situation - and that didn't just include Clive but also Felipe.