(To Be) No Longer (In Love With) Human(s)

As expected, they try to work together.

Three men sat on different sides of a triangle bench in the museum. Dazai. Mori. Fyodor. Each one loathing the idea of working with the other one. But, each one knew that it was impossible to avoid. Dazai holding both of their hands, to avoid an outbreak of abilities in this building of art. Or, maybe he just liked the idea of holding two hands. Who knows for sure? 

"What are we going to do about that bastard?" Dazai asked, eventually, after enduring too many hours of silence. There wasn't anyone in this corner of the museum. He was tired of having nothing happen between the three of them. Not that this was his ideal triangle to be in, but the least that could happen was a more eventful situation. Staring at the same painting was getting tiresome. He could only come up with so many reasons for why it was hanging on that wall. The longer he thought about it, the longer he wished he was the art piece. What a news article that would be...'man claims he is a work of art and hangs himself in museum.' Remarkable. 

"Nothing," Mori and Fyodor said at the same time. One because he didn't take kindly to the threat, the other because he wanted to utilize his information network. Which one with which motives? I'll leave that to your imagination. 

"Now I know you both are just shitting me," Dazai snapped. "You can't honestly expect me to believe you enjoy this guy around, do you?" 

"I like him," Fyodor replied. "In a sickening way, I like him." 

"He is threatening the peace, there isn't much I can do," Mori answered. "Not much you can do either, he has your beloved detective."

"News travels fast, I see," Dazai frowned. 

"It does when he is controlling the news," Fyodor moved his hand to adjust his hat. Dazai held his other one tighter. "This is the first time someone has held my hand," Fyodor admitted. "You know, without practically exploding." 

"Don't get used to it." 

"Now, now, what if I want to fall for you? You won't let me, Dazai-san?" Fyodor chuckled lightly. 

"As much as I appreciate the two of you getting along," Mori rolled his eyes, "none of us have actually come up with a satisfactory plan for him yet." 

"And I doubt you ever will," Izaya poked his head out from behind the wall. He waved and walked over. "You three just aren't cut out for teamwork. You remind me of a group of kids I used to know. In any case," he held a book in his hand to show them. "Do you know what this is?" 

"Rampo-san talked about that before..." Dazai squinted. "Doesn't it send you into the book?" 

"Yes, and I've had a special story written for you three," Izaya winked. "Have fun!~" 

"What? Wait!" But Dazai was too late. Izaya had already opened the book for the three of them to get sucked into. He smiled and shut it. 

"You sure are an evil little devil, aren't you Mr. Orihara," Fitzgerald's voice rang in his ear. He turned his head and grinned. 

"Me? No, of course not, I'm just teaching these monsters a lesson in the simplest of ways. I won't cause too much trouble with them at the same time again." 

"Somehow, I find that hard to believe."

"Thank you for your darling Poe," Izaya waved and went on his merry way. 

...

"Where is this place?" Dazai groaned and rubbed his head. It looked like a school ground but not any school he had seen before.

"Hello," Izaya, well, not Izaya but a younger version of him in a school uniform waved. "You must be the new students. It's my job to show you around." He turned on his heel and opened the door. "Welcome to Raira Academy." 

"Wait a second," Fyodor reached out and touched Izaya's hand. Nothing happened. As he expected, their abilities were useless here. Not that Dazai's would've been any help in a place without abilities. 

"Do you have a question?" Izaya asked. Even as an imitation, this Izaya was just as annoying as the real one. 

"Dazai-kun, do you know anything else about these books?" Mori crossed his arms. 

"I believe they're mystery novels. So any second and-" a loud scream cut Dazai's words mid-sentence. 

Izaya turned his head in the direction of the noise. "Excuse me, but I think we'll have to cut our tour short," he rushed up the stairs in the direction to observe the damage done. The trio looked at each other and followed him every step of the way. 

"IZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!"  a loud bleached blonde with a desk above his head growled at Izaya. 

"Shit!" Izaya opened the window and jumped out. He landed perfectly and ran as fast as he could. The blonde threw the desk out the window and followed him. 

"Come back here you murderer! I'm sure you did it!" 

"I guess everyone has their own Chuuya-kun," Dazai shuddered before opening the classroom door. A body dressed in black with its head just a few feet away. There was a black puddle pooling by the head. "Oh! How miserable!" Dazai rushed to the body and held it in his arms. "Such a beautiful woman was to die! And she couldn't have waited just a few moments for me to die with her?! What a shame!" 

"Dazai-kun," Mori pointed at the books on the desks. The male placed the delicate beauty back on the ground and stood to pick one up. 

"No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai," he read his own ability's title. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky," Fyodor picked up his own book. 

"Vita Sexualis by Ougai Mori." Mori raised an eyebrow. "I must say, this title never sits well." 

"Is this some kind of joke? Turning our abilities into books while we are trapped in a book?" Dazai skimmed the pages. His eyes catching something he has only ever thought about. 

I thought, "I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame... All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.

Dazai dropped the book and took a step back. "That's impossible. How can one man know so much about us? To the secret thoughts that we've never confessed?" Fyodor and Mori placed their books down, not wanting to risk a similar reaction. 

"That man is a godforsaken enigma. There wasn't any information on him. What is his ability anyway?" Mori looked out the room's window. They were here, with a body, and no clues as to who or what could've done the murder. They knew even less about the man Izaya Orihara. 

"You three are the transfer students?" a male in a lab coat looked at the three. He ignored the body all together as if it was never there to begin with. "My name is Kishitani Shinra, feel free to call me Shinra though," he smiled. 

"Don't I look a bit old to be a transfer student?" Mori pointed to himself. 

"This is a book, remember?" Dazai rolled his eyes. "The main characters are transfer students. We are all too old to be students." 

"No, no, of course not, you two could be college ones at least." 

"Why is that your concern?" Fyodor shook his head. 

"Are you three concerned about the body? Don't be," Shinra laughed, "she is one of the seven school mysteries. I wonder why there are seven? There are always seven mysteries in a school. Isn't that strange? But, the secret is..." the headless body stood up and grabbed her head. "She isn't dead at all!" 

"If this isn't a murder mystery than what is our purpose here?" Mori raised an eyebrow. "How do we get out of a novel that doesn't have a mystery?" 

"I guess that means this either the wrong mystery we are meant to solve, or we just have to wait until we finish the novel," Dazai draped his arm around Shinra. "So, Shinra, why don't you tell us a bit about the school?"