There's Just No Winning {Kyman}

Arguments

The large room bustled with students. Many were lined up, waiting patiently for their turn to acquire food. Most of the students already had their plastic cafeteria trays in hand or had seated themselves and were slowly gnawing at the food they were provided. It smelt of grilled cheese and mash potatoes. Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny were all seated at a small circular table perfectly aligned with many others littering the room. Four of the circular stools surrounding the table were vacant, leaving the other four filled in. Cartman and Kenny were seated next to each other, previously engaged in a conversation. The other two sat across from the others and were happily chattering to each other. Every now and then one would laugh as the other exaggerated a story about how amazing their life was. It was sickening.

Kyle's nose crinkled as he tilted his head back in a laughing fit, Stan raising his arms to exaggerate whatever it was that he was talking about. Kyle laughed more as Stan continued on with his fascinating tale. What were they talking about? Who knows. Cartman wasn't focused on what they were saying, he was only focused on Kyle.

Desperately, he wants to make friends with Kyle. He wants to try- and he is! He's trying so desperately hard. No matter what he does it doesn't seem to work. If anything all it does is make Kyle more suspicious and untrusting of him. Last night he tried his best to apologise to Kyle about anything and everything he did in the last day, but it did nothing. Kyle is convinced that Cartman is just plotting to make his life even more miserable. He has every right to feel that way, but that's the problem. Trust is a hard thing to acquire, especially when the person you want to earn the trust of has been your worst enemy for longer than you can remember.

This is hopeless, and Cartman is aware of this.

Cartman was abruptly pulled from his thoughts as Kyle's gaze shot up to meet his, "what?" Kyle barked as he raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Cartman echoed.

Kyle's eyes morphed into a squint, "Why are you staring at me, fat ass?" His lips sliding into a frown.

Cartman huffed in annoyance, "I don't know what you're talking about, Jew," he stated as he crossing his arms behind his head, leaning back in his chair. A smug smile crept it's way onto his face as he eyed his friend sitting directly across from him.

Damn it he called Kyle a Jew again.

The smaller boy's eyes narrowed as he glared at his enemy, "stop looking at me," he commanded, lips tightening. Cartman laughed as he returned his arms to his side. He opened his mouth to retort but lost Kyle's interest as the boy on the other side of the table tapped his shoulder and showed him something on his phone. Cartman sighed but was happy that they didn't have to end up in a fight.

An arm was unexpectedly dropped across Cartman's shoulders as he reached for his fork. Eric looked to his right to see his best friend, Kenny McCormick, looking like he was about to tell him the most entertaining story of his life. Cartman seriously doubted it would be very entertaining, however, as most of Kenny's stories are vulgar and overly detailed about his most recent sexual encounter.

"So you know that new girl, Lisa, right?" Cartman absentmindedly nodded his head as he got a fork-full of mashed potatoes, "Turns out she's a massive slut," Kenny excitedly continued as he raised his eyebrows. Eric couldn't care less as he entered the food into his mouth. "We talked in third period and she's TOTALLY into me! I got her number and everything!" Kenny hastily removed his arm from Cartman's shoulder in order to rummage through his pockets. He snatched something out of his front jacket pocket and pulled it out. The boy in the orange parka shoved his fist in front of the other's face while clutching onto a small piece of paper containing a neatly written phone number. A little heart was scribbled at the end of the digits, giving off a very flirtatious vibe. Cartman narrowed his eyes as he eyed the small paper, uninterested yet disgusted.

"You know," Kenny spoke as he gently slipped the tiny paper back into his pocket. Cartman took a sip of his milk carton provided by the school "I could totally hook you up with someone if you ever wanted to get laid one day." He elbowed him gently while raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Cartman scoffed at the idea of hooking up with someone, he's never really found it appealing. Every time he sees a girl the other's deem "attractive" he has to practically force himself to pretend to find her "hot." Cartman may have dated Heidi at one point, but after years of being done with that, he's realised that there never truly was any attraction there.

"No, don't," He simply replied, denying the offer. Relationships weren't really on his mind right now anyway. Cartman glanced over at Kyle who was happily chatting to Stan while nibbling at a slice of grilled cheese. The only thing on Eric's mind right now is trying to make amends with Kyle and hopefully become his friend.

Kenny sighed, "Come on man, you're going to have to actually put yourself out there and date someone eventually!" He placed a gentle hand on Cartman's shoulder, "You're not still upset about Heidi are you?" Kenny said softly.

Cartman jumped at the question, "What?" his eyes darted to Kenny, "I'm not," he spoke sternly. He drifted his eyes down to his blue cafeteria tray as he scooped another fork full of mashed potatoes

"Then what's up? You haven't dated anyone since then. Hell- you haven't even LOOKED at a girl since then!" Kenny's eyes widened as he gasped, "Cartman are you gay?" He asked in a harsh whisper, quiet enough that no one but Eric could hear.

Violently, Cartman slammed his fork down on his plastic cafeteria tray, mashed potatoes flying onto the tray. He swung his head to face Kenny, "I'm not a fucking fag, Kenny!" He spoke harshly, loud enough for the rest of his table to hear.

"Don't use that word, fat ass," Kyle scoffed as he side-eyed Cartman from across the table. His brows were furrowed as Cartman made eye contact with his enemy.

"Excuse me? Why do you care so much?" Cartman said, completely forgetting his previous goal of trying to make friends with the Jew. He crossed his arms as Kyle turned his body to face Cartman, crossing his arms in the process.

"Because it's a slur, dumb ass," Kyle growled as he clenched his teeth. They've dealt with each other for countless years, however, Cartman is still the one who can get under his skin with barely doing anything. Kyle didn't understand it, but he didn't care to figure it out.

"I use plenty of slurs, Jew," Cartman informed, "so why is this the one that offends you?"

Kyle narrowed his eyes, "stop," he gave in a "this is your last warning" tone of voice.

Cartman didn't seem to catch on, "or what?" he pushed, testing his limits.

Without a second warning, the small Jewish boy was on his feet and making his way to the other side of the table. Stan jumped up as well, attempting to grasp his arm, missing. Cartman's eyes widened as he realised what was happening. An arm was raised and swiftly shot into Cartman's nose, sending a jolting pain into his entire face.

"Ow! What the shit, dude!" Cartman desperately cradled his nose as tears started to develop in his eyes.

"Say that again, I dare you," Kyle threatened, standing tall over Cartman as he held his nose.

Stan grasped onto Kyle's arm and ushered him back to his previous seat across from Cartman. Kyle didn't make any attempt to fight back as Stan lead his agitated friend back to his seat.

"Dude your nose is bleeding," Kenny muttered, concerned. With a fistful of napkins, the blond tapped Cartman's shoulder in an attempt to hand them to him. Cartman gratefully took the napkins from the other's grasp and nodded his head in thanks. He moved his bloodied gloved hand away from his face and placed the napkin pile under his nose, soaking in the blood and dying the previously white papers, red. Cartman lifted his palm and inspected the yellow, blood-covered fabric. This is going to take forever to get out.

He glanced up at Kyle who was giving him a death glare. Cartman looked away from Kyle, shoulders slumping.

Friendship is way harder to achieve than Cartman ever expected.