The Journal of Baxter

01/03/2020

I swear the next time someone yells at me I'm going to blow a damn gasket. I have been being yelled at all day so far for no real reason. I just want to experiment on everyone here right now, and if they die, oops. I really don't care right now, actually I think I'd feel better if a couple of them died. I am over people yelling at me for no reason. I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I don't trust myself right now to be alone. I really need a hug, but don't want to be touched, also I want to experiment, but I don't trust myself with the chemicals and sharp instruments. I don't know what to do.... I've cried 4 times already today. I have yet to do anything normal, such as eat, shower, get dressed, etc. I'm just so done with people and them yelling at me, I want to disappear, but at the same time I know I just need to vent. I don't want to be at the hotel right now but I have nowhere else to go. I also don't want to leave, because I'm afraid that I'll snap and harm someone who doesn't deserve it. Can one of you please talk to me? I really just need to vent, but there is no one here who will listen right now, not even Charlie will listen to how I feel. I do admit it's very unlike Charlie, but she won't listen. She doesn't yell at me but she tells me to leave her alone, and all but literally shoves me out of the way. Angel isn't here, Alastor doesn't listen to me anyway and he's the main one yelling at me. Nifty just flat out ignores me, and Husk is the other main one who is yelling at me. Which is odd, he's usually the one I can go to to vent, but maybe he's just over my bullshit. Vaggie has her own issues right now and is throwing knives at anyone who gets too close, also I don't want to add my problems to her's. I feel like I'm going to cry again, the sad part is I'm not even sad, just pissed. I have issues showing the way I really feel, like I tend to cry with any strong emotion, when I'm laughing, I'm typically irked, and you should avoid me. I do cry when I'm sad too, but it's a lot more insincere, the way I cry with strong emotions is a lot more real and hysterical. I tend to cry myself sick with strong emotions. Where as when I'm just sad it's more like someone trying to hide the fact that they are crying. I don't know why I do this, I've done it as far back as I can remember. I was bullied for it in school while I was alive. I really don't have anyone here I can trust, or talk to, so please, someone, anyone help me.