Alterity

Chapter Seventeen

Aiden ends up being in the hospital for just over two weeks. By the time he is finally discharged, I'm about ready to throw a party. Other than being a bit shaken up by the experience and being a bit skinnier due to the illness, he seems like his old self again. I'm kissing him all over his cheeks and head on the ride home from the hospital, which leaves him laughing like crazy.

            "I love you so much!" I say.

He goes on giggling and I quickly snap a picture of him to send to Leo.

Me: Guess who's out of the hospital!!

Leo responds in less than a minute.

Leo: OMGGG!! YAY AIDEN!!! 

Me: Ikrrrrr

Since our hang out and make out session, Leo and I haven't been able to get together again privately after school just yet, which sucks. However, now that Aiden is finally out of the hospital, my own schedule is much more open, though it puts a pretty big limiter on the amount of privacy we will be able to have. I mean, it's not like my parents care what I do or who I have over—they don't even care whether I close the door or not—but with Leo still being largely in-the-closet, I get that he's a little hesitant about coming over in the role of the boyfriend—and that's fine. For now, he can just be my new friend that comes to hang out that makes out with me the second the door closes. I'm good with that.

School, on the other hand, is a bit trickier. Since lunch is the only real time of the day we get to spend together—as I don't count homeroom—it'd be nice to be able to show my affection for him, even just a little. Even so, public displays of affection is a big rule at TDS apparently. From what I've seen so far, there are not many couple here, or they are just very secretive. As TDS has a large neurodivergent community—me included—there are students here of all different needs, so I have no doubt that the rule is in place to make sure everybody stays safe and that nobody is taken advantage of. Still sucks though.

             But in all honesty, as much as I love having his tongue in my mouth, one of the things I am most excited for about having a romantic relationship with Leo is getting to know him in a deeper way. There's definitely a lot to unpack there and I am more-than-curious to find out about both who he is as a person and all the little things about him—however many there might be—below-surface-level of which I am still unaware. Cheesy, I know, but I'm a sucker for romance. Whether it's scented candles or cringy movies, I'm all for it.
             I only tell two people about Leo agreeing to go out with me—both of whom I know I can trust: Kayla and Marley. Kayla freaks out and video chats me right away, saying how happy she is for me and all that. Marley's attitude is more like That's awesome, good for you—just spare me the details, which I'll take.

I came out as gay just before starting eighth grade, telling Kayla before anyone. In the course of that year, I had a couple short-lived relationships, both of which were very open and explorative. Open as in we didn't hide the fact that we were a couple and explorative as in both of us—in each of the relationships—were still newly out-of-the-closet and still figure a lot about who we were, you know? I mean, I'm still a virgin. So, yeah. Didn't do all that much exploring. Sex is a topic that makes me feel both uncomfortable and fairly uneasy—anxious, rather.

As I'm sure is evident, I have gotten a lot better when it comes to my ability to tolerate touch from other people in relation to my sensory issues. When I was younger, this was not the case at all. As a young child, I could not stand being touched, by family included. A hug here or kiss there, whatever, but that was it. As I got older, this did improve but it's still there, if that makes sense. And I guess . . . I'm just not sure how far my sensory issues go in terms of what my limits are, you know?

Like, I am crazy attracted to Leo, but say he had sex or whatever—or tried to—and the second my clothes were off, I just couldn't deal with being touched. Cause how would I even know if that is too much for me? It's not something I've ever experienced before and that's how sensory processing disorder works: You are in a situation and suddenly are insanely overwhelmed and about to have a meltdown and then you know to take extra precautions in the future—like if the mall is too loud and busy, remember to bring noise canceling headphones or earplugs next time.

But how would that work for sex? Pretty sure it wouldn't. I mean, really. What would I do if it's too much for me? What precautions even are there in that situation? It's just such a frustrating thing to constantly worry about. It's why I think it's so important to try and that sort of stuff with a partner that you trust: Because you can explore things in a healthy way without worrying about embarrassing yourself or feeling ashamed, as they are exploring to. At least, that's what I've always thought. But I don't know—I guess we'll see.