In the weeks that follow meeting Alex, my mind and body buzz with thoughts of her. I try to be sensible. I tell myself not to develop feelings. There is nowhere for this to go, there are no possibilities. My mind will not listen to my own sage advice. I want to kick myself, but I'm too busy ignoring my pragmatic arguments. Becoming lost in fantasies of Alex becomes a pastime that takes me out of the depressing state of my marriage.
My morning bicycle ride doubles as a journey through the maze of delusions I have constructed. Now that I know the building she works in, that part of my bike route has taken on a new significance. I tell myself I am not trying to see if she is walking around, but I know I am lying to myself. I have become hopelessly besotted with the very thought of Alex. The slide from warning myself to not develop feelings to unabashedly thinking about her constantly was swift. I am now at a place where I am concerned with how much time I spend thinking about her. Just not enough to stop. I am still hiding behind a shield of denial. A safe barrier that allows me to find happiness in obsessing about someone I will never be with.
It has been eight weeks since I last saw Alex. So much has changed on my side. She cannot know about any of it. I'm afraid she would find me alarming if she knew the thoughts that swirl in my mind.
It is a grey and cold October morning as I arrive at her building. Sharp drops of rain are blowing sideways and biting into my cheeks. I find a spare post to lock my bicycle to, and remove my gloves so I can grab my keys from my backpack. Despite only being outside for a few minutes, my bike lock is already chilled and of no comfort to my cold fingers. By the time I am finished, my clothing is damp and wind-blown. The hair on my head isn't much different.
I stand in the same corner of the lobby that I had found on my first visit. Candy Crush occupies my time until I see her walking across the lobby towards me.
"Hello! How are you?" she queries.
"Good! Although, I am so tired today."
"So am I! Why are you so tired?"
I think about telling her that menstruation is kicking my ass, but I'm afraid that may be too honest.
"I just didn't get enough sleep," I lie.
"Yes, me too. I need to go to bed earlier," she concurs.
As we talk, Alex has been leading the way to a coffee shop she mentioned. I have lost track of the corners we have turned, doors we have walked though and escalators ridden. I won't be able to find my way out of the building without help. I meekly follow her lead, conceding she has all control. She seems exceptionally tall today. Likely due to the black high heels she is sporting. She has paired black pants with a dark shirt that has faux leather edging.
"We are going down this last escalator and then we are done," she says with a smile.
At the bottom of the moving stairs I see the small coffee shop she is referring to.
"Wow. I have no idea how to get back from here," I laugh.
We approach the bar of the tucked-in-a-corner coffee shop.
"I'm going to get a coffee. What are you going to have?" she asks.
"I'm going to have a mint tea - I will pay this time," I tell her.
"Are you sure?" she asks.
"Yes," I reply firmly.
I will not let her buy us drinks the second time in a row. I hear her say thank you while she waits behind me. I think I sense a bit of nervousness from her, but I discard the thought. I am likely imagining it. I relax and resist the urge to fill the silence.
YOU ARE READING
A Girl Crush
General FictionI wasn't planning on developing feelings for anyone. In a stale marriage, I had come to a place of acceptance that I wouldn't become excited by the idea of having a partner ever again. Upon meeting Alex, it doesn't take long for me to realize that m...
