A Girl Crush

Something Has Changed

It's been months since I've seen Alex, but that doesn't mean she hasn't been in my life. Thoughts of her have taken up permanent residence in my mind and are on a constant playback loop. It has become so pervasive that I am starting to worry about myself. Am I obsessed?

I am certain that if Alex were privy to the scenarios that play in my head she would be rightfully alarmed. I have spent too much time online researching phrases like 'when you can't get someone out of your head' and 'how to turn off obsessive thoughts'. I am worried that I may have some sort of a romantic obsessive compulsive disorder. It's likely that I am feeling lonely and isolated.

I have gotten used to the emotional graveyard that is my marriage. I was content – in a small way – to focus on parenting and work and assume that I don't need romance or sex to be happy. Meeting Alex has undone all of the painstaking denial I have constructed for myself. Talking to her, with her, has been so easy. Hearing about her life and struggles reminded me how communication can make a person feel alive. Sharing interests with her gave me an innocent intimacy that I hadn't realized I was craving so much. I want more.

I tried talking with Em about my meetings with Alex and why I have enjoyed them so much. I keep my real feelings hidden while I tell Em about some of the conversations I have had with Alex. I tell Em how a new session of the mentorship program is starting, and I had asked Alex if she would be joining again. 

"When I asked her she said she really enjoyed our time together and is not sure if she can replicate it!" I excitedly tell Em.

Em looks at me with a pondering look. I cannot tell what she is thinking. For a second I worry that I have given too much away and she now knows that I have developed feelings for another woman. 

"What? Is this woman in love with you or something?" Em asks after staring at me silently for far too long.

I feel my cheeks turn hot as I issue a quick denial. "What? In love with me? That's silly – she's a married straight woman!" I protest.

The expression on Em's face is reminiscent of a nonchalant shoulder shrug. Any interest she had has disappeared. I may as well not have said a thing. Em retreats back into her self-protective shell while I am left to ponder. Is there any truth to what Em implied? Could Alex have any real feelings for me? The loneliness I feel is profound and causes me to latch onto this possibility. It occupies my thoughts well into the next day. The day that Alex is meeting me.

I arrive at work early in the morning. The bitter February chill is no match for my lighthearted mood. Alex is coming to my building – which is a first. I feel a bit honoured that our friendship means enough to her that she is willing to take time out of her day.

She isn't scheduled to arrive for another ten minutes, but I check my email just in case. I am surprised to discover and email in my inbox from her with the subject line 'Here – waiting in the lobby'. I gather my phone, money and floor pass before sprinting for the elevator. I had planned to be waiting in the lobby when she arrived. I didn't expect her to be early, I think as I impatiently wait for an elevator.

I quickly spot her in the lobby, sitting on one of the black leather benches. She is staring at the phone in her hand, aimlessly scrolling. I want to run up and grab her in a hug, but I refrain. Instead, I keep my walk casual and call out a 'hello' as I approach. She stands up and smiles when she sees me. Something flutters in my chest.

"Hey, friend," she says while opening her arms for a hug. Friend. I wonder how consciously she is using that word right now. Perhaps she is sending me a message? 

Black flat-soled winter boots reveal her true height. This is the first time I have seen her without high heels on. She doesn't seem nearly as tall or intimidating. Her boots are matched with a black winter coat that has faux fur around the hood.