How to not mess this up #malec fanfiction

Together, we can do this.

I felt like I had another chapter in me so here you go! :)x (sorry for any spelling mistakes, I am pretty tired right now haha x)

Alec's P.O.V

I keep going back to when I was younger and had just come out to my parents. After what they did, after their reaction and their rejection, it all started. Out of the blue. I still remember how I felt the first time. I happened to be at a coffee shop. The girl behind the counter was smiling at me, handing me my coffee. I took it, and being the clumsy butterfingers I am, I dropped it somehow. I watched as the coffee spilled in a puddle, growing larger by the second, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. Like someone had knocked the wind out of me. 

When I got home, I fell into utter darkness. Being in a depressive state is much like being trapped inside yourself. You try to reason, tell yourself that it's okay and that none of this is actually true - that I don't deserve the worst, that I don't deserve the die or to feel like this. But you don't get to control it. It feels like your in someone else's skin and you want to scream, you want someone to get you out. The people around you seem ten times worse, you don't get why they want to help you. Because you feel worthless. The depressive state is worse than the mania. When I had the abnormally elevated moods, I would do reckless things. Very reckless - I almost jumped out of a moving train, if it weren't for Jace. But I never intended to hurt myself. I didn't think I was worth it. 

When I was depressed, I did think I was worth it. I have only attempted it once. A month after my parents had rejected me and I moved out, it hit me, when I was alone in my new apartment. But subconciously, I had known it was not what I wanted. I had left Jace a message, which concerned him enough to storm into my apartment, stopping me. 

When I saw Magnus in my room, standing there, I wasn't sure what was happening. Well, I knew what was happening, but I didn't know why. I thought the medicine had worked and I was better, because it had never been as bad in the first place. So I stopped taking them. I hated to admit I was sick. In retrospective, that was a stupid thing to do. Otherwise, Magnus would be here. I miss him. I didn't want him to leave, but the words ordering him to go left my lips any way. There's no way of stopping it. And now, I realize, he wouldn't want a broken thing like me anyways.

Jace just left. I know he and Izzy are worried. They have seen me at my first. I am glad they were here, but I am also ashamed. I hate that they have to look after me, like I might try something any second. Like they have to babysit me. But whatever I said, they never bucked down. Jace had just sat on my couch, ordered pizza for lunch and put on my favourite movie. I didn't eat, although he glared at me like he would kill me if I didn't. I almost wish that would happen.

I hear a knock that awakens me from my darker thought and I shake my head. Did Jace forget something? Deep inside, I know who I wish was standing there. I know that I wish he hadn't given up on me. But after what I did, what I said, how could he not give up? I stand up from my place behind the kitchen counter, where my untouched tea has gone cold, and waltz up to the door. I open it and my breath gets caught in my throat.

Magnus' P.O.V

Alexander is wearing his grey sweatpants and a black T-shirt that hugs his figure nicely. He's barefoot and his hair is even more of a mess than usual. I see that he has dark circles under hes eyes, like he hasn't slept and I'm positive that's the case. I notice how he's eyes seem distant, with just a hint of a flicker of familiarity, when I look into them. I stand, not wanting to move until he allows me to.

He breathes out a choked "Magnus." I give a small smile, raising my hand with the take-out bag and say "I brought chinese. May I?" He nods silently, his face unreadable but steps aside and I take that as and encouragement. I step inside, removing my boots and coat, and I set the bag onto the counter. I look around. The apartment look partly the same, curtains still drawn, some clothes lying here and there and an empty pizza box next to the trash can. I hear him shuffle behind me and then he says "Sorry for the mess." His voice seems weak, gravelly and I know he is trying to apologize for something else, not quite knowing how to put it into words.

I turn around and then cock my head to the side, assessing him. He looks a bit more like my Alexander, he doesn't look at me like he doesn't know me. Still, my heart aches for him. I reach out to him gently, taking his hands in mine. He flinches slightly and his face betrayes him - he feels as if I shouldn't be wanting to hold him. I almost cry. 

"Alexander. I am here." I say. And that's all I say. Because right now, I just want to hold him and make him feel safe, happy again. His eyes seem to well up so I pull him onto my chest, hugging him, holding him tightly. He releases a quivering breath and nuzzles into my neck. We stand like that for a while. I don't care that my legs are getting tired and that we are in a slightly awkward position because he is taller than me. I just let him feel me and I feel him. I missed it too much to let go. And it was only for 24 hours.

Finally, he pulls away, wiping slightly at his eyes. He smiles and this time, it's genuine. I feel a little somersault in my stomach - this is what I want to see. I nod towards the food and ask "Hungry? Let's watch something." I go over to the food, take it out and place it on the table in front of the TV, putting on a show that we have watched many times already. I sit down and look over at him. He seems unsure what to do. I sigh. Then, gently, I say "Alexander. Please, come here." 

He listens and comes toward me. He sits down, too far from me, to my liking but I say nothing. I start to eat and glare at him. He suddenly chuckles and then says quietly "Alright, alright. I'm eating." He gets the boxes out and I see his eyes light up, when he realizes what it is. He look at me and I smile at him lovingly. He says nothing and neither do I. We eat in silence. When we are done I clean the boxes. Then I go back to the couch and sit closer to him. I feel him tense a bit, but I raise my hand to his face and stroke his cheek. He closes his eyes. I say quietly "Here, lay down." I put a pillow on my lap and gently push his head down onto my lap, so he can relax. We lay like this for some time, neither of us speaking.

I am stroking his hair when he finally speaks "Magnus. I am so sorry that it happened." I can hear the sorrow in his voice and have to blink fast, so I won't cry. I shake my head slightly and then reply "Alexander. You can't control when it happens. The only thing that hurt me was the fact that you still told Isabelle you didn't want to see me, even when it was over. And this was only 24 hours. What if it's more? I won't go days without seeing you, when I know that you are miserable. I could never do that, and next time, I won't."

He shifts slightly in my lap so he can look at me. His eyes seem surprised and his voice in laced with disbelief as he says "Next time? You won't leave me?" I laugh a hollow laugh and stare at him. "Darling, you are not getting rid of me that easily." He sighs and is quiet for some time. Then he says "I guess Isabelle told you most of it? But Magnus, I really though I had handled it. Clearly I was wrong. I should've told you. I don't need you to take care of me, and least of all do I want to be a burden to you."

At this I make him get upward, so I can face him properly and I hold his face inbetween my hands. My voice is clear when I say "Alexander, listen to me. You will never be a burden. And as for your condition, it's a part of you. If you embrace it, it will be easier. And if you let me, I can make it easier. I want to fight this with you, but I need you to promise, you will try not to push me away. I am here to stay."

I see tears forming in his eyes. "Why?" he only asks with a strangled voice. I close my eyes and say, as quietly "Because I love you, you idiot." His eyes widen and my heart beats a million times faster and louder. I feel like I might pass out. 

He reaches my hand to my face, letting his hand glide over my jawline and his thumb over my lower lip. He breaks into a small smile when he says "I love you, too. The idiot part was unnecessary, though." I laugh, but it comes out inhumane since I was so scared he wouldn't feel the same, my voice caught in my throat. I slap his knee and say "Way to silently kill me. I thought you were going to reject me." He laughs and leans closer, his breath lingering over my mouth. "I would never do that, Magnus. Never. My heart wants you with me and I hope my heart wins over my head every time."

I smile when he presses his lips to mine and I sigh in content. I missed this. His lips on mine. It's like everything clicks back into place. I know it will take effort. Hard work. And I will probably want to run at some point. But that's not an option. I promise to myself, it's never an option, when it comes to Alexander. He is worth more than that, so much more.