Dying on the Inside and Suffocating on the Outside

Chapter 8: Cover-Up

I took a deep breath, walked towards the mirror, and looked at myself for a couple of seconds. As I closed my eyes, I started to reminisce. I said to the group, "I remember the day when I told myself I did not like the person who was looking back at me. I pinched the skin on my stomach because it was sagging. I begin to shake because I felt like I was getting bigger and bigger. I couldn't help but to think, I cannot gain any more weight or else I am going to be a fat hippopotamus. I began to panic. I ran over to my nightstand to get the body calipers to see how much fat I had gained overnight. I wished I could peel off my skin. Ugh, if that was possible—that would solve all my fat problems. The calipers were unable to pull my skin. I was furious! I threw them on the floor! They knew I was fat too! I begin pacing back and forth, asking myself, what am I going to do? I was screaming on the inside. I kept saying to myself, if I gain another pound, I think I just might die.

I had to do something, and something quick. I sat on my bed and wrapped my fingers around my arm—my middle finger barely touched my thumb. I was disgusted because my arms and stomach were fat. My eyes teared up because this was torture. I pulled the skin on my arm and my heart begin to race because my skin was hanging. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

The fat on my stomach and arms was spreading, soon it would spread to my thighs. I ran into my bathroom, turned on the faucet, and quickly grabbed my toothbrush and shoved it down my throat to vomit up the yogurt and banana I ate yesterday. I couldn't help but think... I knew I shouldn't have eaten the yogurt and banana last night. I just knew they were going to come back and haunt me! I just knew it! They made me gain more weight than I expected.

As I vomited, my eyes felt so dry. I looked in the mirror and they were bloodshot red. I pushed the toothbrush as far as it could go down my throat. I begin urinating on myself because I was pushing so hard to make sure I vomited all the food up.

I vomited until nothing else came out of my mouth. I turned the faucet off because I didn't want Patricia to complain that the water was running for too long. I purposely turned on the faucet so that my parents wouldn't hear me vomiting. I laid on the floor for a while until I had gained a little strength."

(I opened my eyes because they were watery. I didn't make eye contact with anyone in the group. I looked at myself in the mirror and continued with my story.)

"I heard Patricia through the bathroom vent talking to my pops, asking him to come and wake me up. My pops said, "I believe Skylar is up because I heard the water running."

Patricia asked my pops to make sure I didn't get back in the bed.

I didn't have the strength to get up. However, I had to do something fast, because I didn't want my pops to come into my bathroom and see me lying on the floor. I got up and weighed myself on the scale. I think vomiting made me gain two pounds because I was 98 pounds before— now I am 100 lbs. I hurried and rinsed my toothbrush in peroxide, put toothpaste on it, and started to brush my teeth. Afterwards, I rinsed with some Listerine. I made sure I cleaned the remaining vomit that was on the toilet seat and on the floor. I looked in the mirror as I examined my teeth to make sure they were squeaky clean and white. I brushed my hair and quickly put it in a scrunchie. Before I walked out of the bathroom, I sprayed it with one of my favorite sprays from Bath and Body Works.

I walked into my closet to see what I was going to wear. My pops knocked on my door. I said with my happy voice, "Come in!"

He walked in and said, "Where are you?"

I said, "Pops, I am in my closet."

As he walked in, he said, "I told your mother my Sunshine was up." For as long as I can remember my pops always called me Sunshine.