Mixtape

Enjoy the Silence- Breaking Benjamin

All I Ever Needed

((a/n I WAS SO RUSHED TO WRITE THIS AUGH))

Calvin awoke in a cold sweat, sitting up abruptly and clutching the blanket to his chest. His bare chest was heaving as he clutched the blanket to his shaking body, looking around wildly. For a moment, he had no clue where he was. Then he remembered that this was his own room, and his own bed, and next to him was his own boyfriend, sound asleep and safe. Dallas was safe, and that fact in itself made Calvin calm down considerably.

He had awoken from a nightmare more terrifying and vivid than any horror flick he'd ever been dragged to; Dallas had left him. He had said, "I'm sorry, Calvin, but I don't love you anymore. I never did, and besides, you and your anxiety attacks are a pain in the ass to deal with. Why do you have to be so weird, Calvin? When are you going to grow up?"

Those words, coupled with Dallas's mocking sneer and gorgeous brown eyes had struck Calvin's dream-self in the chest over and over again, feeling like machine gun rounds digging deep into his body and draining every drop of his blood until he was lifeless and crippled. Dallas said those words to him, over and over again, and around him there was the laughter of children he once knew, Betty Charles and Damien Sanders and Tyler "Micky" McDonald, shrieking at him for being so different, giggling at him for being so sensitive. Dream-Calvin was curled up in a ball in the corner of his old science classroom, feeling Dallas's cruel gaze on him as he could do nothing but cry.

Halfway through the dream, the scene changed into a presumable "several years later" where Dallas was in a new city with a new relationship and all of his old worries left behind. Dream-Calvin was on his knees on a sidewalk, watching Dallas's back retreat, feeling like a piece of garbage his boyfriend had dropped carelessly on the ground. He watched as Dallas walked across the street, holding hands with his new boyfriend- a handsome man with tan skin and dark eyes, the opposite of Calvin- and he kept watching as Dallas's hat was picked up by the wind and carried into the path of an oncoming truck. Dream-Calvin watched as his boyfriend died on impact.

The real Calvin had woken with a start, disoriented and in tears. Now, he placed a hand on his boyfriend's muscled arm, trying to get some of his warmth into his own body. He had no intentions of waking Dallas, because he knew that he'd had a bad day and just needed some sleep, and he didn't want to be a bother, and what he had to say was probably stupid.

Calvin gazed at Dallas, blinking away his tears and taking deep breaths. He ran a hand over his boyfriend's smooth, dark skin and felt every bit of anxiety being lifted miraculously off his chest, to the extent he felt so light and dreamy he could fly away.

Calvin tucked his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, staring at the far wall and pondering. He pondered for awhile how much he loved Dallas. He pondered how Dallas would make every day an adventure and a success, simply by being his quirky, optimistic self. He pondered how amazing Dallas was, with the way he would smile at strangers on the street to cheer them up and volunteer at animal shelters in all of his free time. He pondered how much he needed Dallas and his hugs, his kisses, his warmth.

Calvin was never good at expressing his emotions in a stable, understandable way. He would stutter or cry or clamp his mouth shut so tight his family and teachers could never reopen it. But somehow, he was learning that his words were never truly a necessity for Dallas. Dallas taught him that he didn't need to hear Calvin say it to know that he loved him- it was obvious to him from day one. And Calvin was so, so grateful for this.

Calvin was learning that even as he stayed quiet in his anxiety and his fear and his expectations that someday things would go very, very wrong and he would lose Dallas forever, he could be loud in his love for Dallas by saying not a single word. Calvin pondered this as he sat next to his boyfriend, staring at the wall, in a safe, gentle silence.