Unsung feelings

1.

1.

It never gets easier, never. No matter the amount of times Mandavi and Shrutkirti consoled me; no matter the amount of times Kaushalya didi and Sumitra didi cajoled me. I was heavily laden with sorrow and guilt, my pain had only one remedy; the one I, myself sent away. Oh! How I wish I could redo my actions!

"O Narayan, have some mercy on me! Return my Ram back to me please, O merciful Lord!" Kaushalya didi came in running hearing my cries; she came to me, talked to me for hours. She'd always do it, always- I don't know how. I sent away her son; I took away her support of life so cruelly. Tears once again rolled down my cheeks, "I'm sorry didi, I'm so sorry. I took him away didi, I sent him away from all of us! Didi I'm sorry!"

My blurred sight cleared and swam in the view of my didi, so pained, helpless and the reason was me. "No Kaikeyi, you can't be the reason of my pain." Saying so, she crushed me in a much motherly hug.

That is how Mandavi found us- on the floor of my bedroom, us both crying our hearts out. I could hear her anklets tingling as she rushed to us, "Ma? Ma, please don't cry!" She shook us, took us both in her arms and cajoled us into having dinner which otherwise none of us would have had. As it would be these days, she was more a mother to us than we were to her. Affection coursed through me as I put my hand on her head, "May Lord keep you happy forever my child! I truly, could not have asked for a better wife for my Bharat." Her smile dimmed at the mention of my son but it never vanished, such is my daughter. Jingle of bangles brought me out of the trance, our younger daughter-in-law, Shrutkirti came in.

"How was your day, Kirti?" asked Kaushalya didi pouring a glass of water for her. I and Mandavi watched as her younger sister talked about the day in court animatedly. Shatrughan and Shrutkirti were the ones who took care of our kingdom in a true sense these days and I couldn't be more proud of both of them. Bharat was still lamenting in Nandigram, it was Shatrughan stood strong after the exile of Ram and self-exile of his twin Lakshman. Our dear Urmila wouldn't wake up no matter what, Mandavi was too busy taking care of us grieved mothers; naturally the responsibility of Ayodhya fell on the tender shoulders of Shrutkirti. I wish Sita was here, I wish Sita could see how her sisters were being such marvelous daughters. Sita! Oh my, Sita! Come back please. My heart called out for my eldest daughter-in-law.

"Ma, you should rest." Softly Kirti took my hand and led me to the room. She must have seen tears that were starting to form in my eyes. "You should sleep Ma, Dashrathnandan would not like it if you don't." Smiling at her, I slept.

Years passed, but the tears never dried, the grief never left any of us- not really. Things looked better now Kaushalya didi would smile as often as she could; Sumitra's forehead no longer had lines of worry. But I could see it, I knew Kaushalya didi cried whenever she was alone; Sumitra's eyes always had either devastated or longing look. Similarly as I knew Sumitra was proud of both her sons, Lakshman and Shatrughan. Lakshman!

Today was his and his twin's birthday and I knew Shatrughan would not come out of his room the whole day. He is a brave kid who is utterly shattered at the absence of his other half. "O Supreme Lord, protect my three kids in the Dandaka forest, I shall forever remain thankful to you. Bless my Lakshman with strength and happiness. Bless my Shatrughan with strength and patience for these six years have been long and eight longer years of separation wait ahead. O Narayan, bless us all with patience!"

Immediately after offering my prayers, I rushed to the kitchen to make the favorite kheer of my sons. For a grieving mother who is separated from her two sons and a daughter, whose own son has shunned her, rightfully so, I was feeling pretty happy. It was after all the youngest Dashrathnandan's birthday. "What's the matter didi? You seem in a happier mood." Sumitra's voice came from the back.