Life With an Eating Disorder

I wake up and stretch. I stand up and look in the mirror and sigh. All i see is fat; fat thighs, fat arms, fat stomach, fat, fat, fat. I do my morning workout of 100 jumping jacks, 100 squats, 100 sit ups, 100 crunches, 100 burpees, 100 push ups, and 10 30 second planks, then get dressed in my jogging clothes and head out for my 2 hour jog. When I get home, I fill up my water bottle and chug it, drowning my growling stomach in the water, then refill it for the school day. I weigh myself and almost cried. I was still at 115. I had been for the past week. I shake my head and walk to school. I get to school, and the first thing I hear is “hey, fatass” and giggling laughter. I ignore them and keep walking, ignoring the calls of fatass and fatty. I never thought I was fat, I was always told 130 was a perfectly healthy weight, but I guess not. So, I forced myself to eat less and less each day. I went down to two meals, then one, and now I go for days without eating much more than a protein bar. School was hell as usual. During lunch, so I could avoid the temptation of the chicken nuggets, oh god I love nuggets, I go to the library and draw for the entire lunch period. School was pretty much the same as always, constant name calling and teasing. When I got home, I was greeted by my mother sitting on the couch. When she saw me, the look of disgust that crossed her face was enough to almost make me cry.  

“What the HELL have you been eating to gain so much fucking weight, fatass?!”

“Nothing…” I replied, and walked to my room.

I spend all my time in my room. Instead of sitting around I exercise. I’ll exercise for an hour, then take a rest break for a half hour, then repeat. The workout is half of what my morning workout is. Sometimes if I’m too dizzy I won’t want to exercise, but then Ana, that’s what I call the motivating voice in my head, always has something to say, so I exercise to keep her happy and quiet. Keep going, she whispers, you’ll be skinny soon. I promise. And I believe her, I listen to her, simply because she’s gotten me this far, maybe she can get me to 100lbs. Weeks passed, and I weighed myself every day. 115, 114.5, 113.3, 111.7, the numbers kept getting lower and lower. School had started to improve, people actually complimented me on my weight loss. I was finally starting to feel happy; I could only imagine how many people would like me when I was 100lbs. I was even beginning to consider changing my ultimate goal weight (ugw) to 90lbs. Ana highly encouraged this. Just think, Rose, if people like you now, think just how much they’ll love you when you’re down to 90! I promise you, everyone will love you and want to be with you. Maybe mom will finally be proud of you and love you! I nodded and smiled, happy for the first time in months. Now time for your workout before bed. My evening workout was the same as my morning workout, without the jog.

The most I’ll ever eat in one day is 3 tiny meals, usually half of a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, a halo orange for my morning snack, a small container of spinach and cherry tomatoes for lunch, a small gala apple for my afternoon snack, and a veggie burger without a bun for dinner. Usually though, I eat a protein bar after my morning run, and just drink water and gatorade, and maybe a diet soda.

As time went on, my health began to slowly get worse. I was constantly dizzy, tired all the time, my period was gone, had been for months, I was always cold, my head was always pounding, I sometimes woke up with bruises, and I started to pass out during my free time after my workouts. I knew I was not doing well, but I just wanted to be skinny, I wanted to make mom proud. All I ever wanted in life was her love and approval, and I was starting to earn it. Just the other day, she told me she noticed my efforts to lose weight and that she was proud of me! So I vowed to keep going until I reached 90lbs, and maybe keep going after that. 

Another week and I had done it. I reached 90lbs. The bullying no longer existed, my relationship with my mom had improved, and I was happy. I could see my hip bones, I had prominent collar bones, I could see my ribs, I could wrap my thumb and pinkie finger around my wrist and still have room, I had a thigh gap. I had finally done it. I was skinny. But Ana wanted more.She wanted me to see my ribs more, wanted me to have a flatter stomach, have a bigger thigh gap, she wanted more more more. And so, I did too. I kept eating less, I cut out snacks entirely, cut out my protein bars, they were too many calories anyway. I would eat a bowl of spinach with 7 cherry tomatoes at dinner, and drink only water and diet soda. Ana was louder than ever, she always had something to say. One day I asked her why, why she wasn’t happy yet, why I couldn’t just stop. Just a little more, she whispered, then we’ll be done. We’ll be perfect.