Life With an Eating Disorder

Relapse

From June 15, 2019, to sometime in December, I was doing great. I was eating at least two decent sized meals a day, could actually eat overly fatty and/or sugary foods, and I didnt even really look at the calories anymore. But, slowly, I started to hear Ana's voice again, just as soft and sweet as when I first heard her back when I was 15. It didnt progress quite the same as last time, though. From December to mid-April, I didnt really gain or lose weight. I didn't have as much self control as I once had. But, when I re-read this book about another teen's anorexia journey, I fell right back into old habits; meal planning, an extensive exercise routine, counting calories, fasting, everything. Well, I tried to, anyway. That hard earned self control that I once had was almost completely gone. I was unable to ignore the cravings. I never felt hunger anymore, I still dont, but I crave flavor, and the chew and spit method is probably going to be my next step if I dont start losing faster. I currently weigh in at about 122, 5'5. I dont want to get as bad as I once was, but I was happiest with myself at 105, and hopefully, I can get there again, because I honestly miss it. I miss having prominent collarbones, hipbones, ribs, cheekbones, and spine. I miss being able to touch my pinky and thumb around my wrist and still have extra room. I miss having a flat stomach, one that caves in when I lay down, one that I could get a belly button piercing and it actually look good. I miss feeling hot, honestly, I really do. I promised my best friend that if I ever started losing weight again, I wouldnt get below 105. We made a pact; if I get below 105lbs, they can start self harming again, and I dont intend to be the one to break it. I'm going to start losing again, but this time, I'm in control.