Away From It All

bow

Every passing near my homeroom is a new mystery for my eyes to feast on. At first, I thought it was a mere coincidence that I would see her every day late after school writing, reading a book, staring at the window or taking a nap. But as days turned into months, my thoughts would wander aimlessly for reasons she would be staying alone at school.

Maybe she's waiting for a ride home

Maybe she has an athletic sibling and she has to wait for them to finish practice

Maybe she meets with her tutor for extra school help considering she sleeps frequently in class

...

I wouldn't know

I don't talk to her

Quite frankly, I didn't care at all

I had my own studies, my own friends, my own life to deal with

Worrying about someone else's life is too much of a hassle

...

I never took a good look at her until today. I left my math notebook on my desk as I rushed after school to a student council meeting I was already late for. These past days I've had sleepless nights due to midterms coming up and my weary eyes decided to give up on me. "A quick 5-minute nap wouldn't hurt me," I told myself.

As I glanced at the window pane on my homeroom door, yet again have I seen the same girl, sitting on the same spot, writing in her journal.

I had no intention of making small talk with someone I had 0 interest in.

Slowly opening the door, I step inside, startling the poor girl who was clearly absorbed in her book.

I stared for a good 2 seconds and slightly bowed to express my apology then quickly went to my desk to snatch my notebook. For some odd reason, her aura suddenly changed. The girl I saw through the window, calm and soft, became so fragile that one slight touch could easily shatter her. I could feel her shaking behind me.

My eyes darted for the door as I awkwardly made my way out of the classroom. Sighing to release the tension, I opened my notebook, only for me to discover a mountain of scribbles and writings overlapping my neat notes.

I abruptly stopped in the hallway as my hands flipped past most of the pages to find insults and profanity. Some of my pages torn and to make matters worse, none of my notes were readable. Clutching onto the notebook, I grit my teeth as I threw it into the garbage.

It was engulfing me once again. This unbearable seizure within my very bones where I simply can't control my emotions. It's going haywire and I can't think straight. Why would someone do such a thing?

Falling to the ground in despair, I considered just curling up into a ball. Hopefully whoever walks by to see a piece of trash on the ground, will throw it out just like how trash should be treated. But out the window, instead of the trashcan...

I guess... Whoever did it must not like me at all. Why does it matter if they don't like me? I probably don't even know them. My agonizing pain instantly subsided to pure apathy as I got up with no care in the world and proceeded to walk home as if my depression moment never happened. Too drained from all of this to think clearly. I needed to take my mood stabilizers as soon as I get home or else I'm afraid another episode will happen. I'm too tired to deal with another one.

It didn't make it any easier for me to avoid staring since I sat behind her, but not directly. I was on a different row, which made it crystal clear to me that she wasn't paying attention. The class just started and I'm trying to pay attention to the lesson, but my eyes are somehow always fixated on her.