Away From It All

eileen

How long can I endure this?

Will I ever be ok?

Does therapy even help?

Why am I even here again?

Right... I was born to die. More specifically... commit suicide.

Another day at school. Another day where it rains and never stops. I had little to no hope an unforeseen miracle would bring even just a tint of sunlight in this everlasting rain. The same goes for anything really, little to no hope for quite literally my entire life. My whole world could flash before my eyes and disappear in an instant If I have the drive to do so. But I'm still here... Why?

I did say I had little to no hope.

Classes are the same as always. Nothing new. Not that I know of anyway, I don't pay attention at all. The best place to sleep for some reason is during class time. The soothing sound of the rain outside and muffled clouded noises from the teachers talking are a sweet lullaby. I've been sent to the counsellors multiple times for sleeping in class though so maybe try not to sleep often in class.

I can't help it though, sleeping at home is already hard enough.

My counselor has been silent for at least 5 minutes on her computer since my math teacher sent me here. I swear she said we were having a study block today at the beginning of class. "Are you aware that you have fallen asleep 3 times this week?"

"Not in the same class."

She sighs, knowing this issue will never be resolved. "This is still a problem whether it is in the same class or not."

"Meh," I take a piece of candy out of my bag as I rip off my hood, revealing my messy and knotted hair. "If I can be given some sort of drug to keep me awake in class, I'm down."

"You just need to sleep Eileen. When did you go to bed last night?"

"Uhh..." I pop the candy in my mouth. "I think it was 4am... Maybe 5am."

She bites her inner lip. "Here's what I can do, I can inform your mom about this, about also seeing a doctor. You can possibly be prescribed with suitable medicine to keep you awake in your classes. For now..." She writes me yet another 'excused for the day' slip and hands me it.

"Thanks," I grab my bag and leave the counselor's room. I decide to wait till lunch comes before I call my mom to pick me up.

Chilling at the library couches, I see Leah walk in, my only friend here at school who doesn't completely ignore or avoid me. With her other friends of course who don't necessarily like me, she makes eye contact with me before walking the other direction.

It's not like I'm fazed by this, its been happening gradually. Seeing me and ignoring me. I wanted to give her a chance since she's the only friend I have. I didn't want to lose her. But the more she avoided me, the more I considered letting her go.

On my phone, I was watching funny videos on YouTube. Wasn't helping though, I think I watched enough funny videos to numb myself to the point where I don't find anything funny anymore.

"Hey Eileen."

I look up to see Leah sitting down next to me. "Hey."

"What are you doing here? Did you fall asleep in math again?"

"It's not my fault. The teacher said it was a study block so we weren't learning anything." I leaned farther back onto the couch.

"Doesn't mean you should sleep in class though."

I shrugged to show much I wanted to change the subject. "Mrs. Gem gave me a slip so I could skip the whole day. Wanna hang out after school? I can ditch my mom and wait for school to be over."