My Freakin Thoughts

Boom

Hey it's me, a random person that is bout to fill this book with lots of thoughts... so if you dont wanna hear it, then dont read it... also hope you like this... I can be depressing at times and to strongheaded for my own good so dont kill me!!!!

What I'm about to write is something that I thought when I read a story where the writer said that she likes realistic endings more than fake ones... no offense to you crazy people who like real endings...:

I think that the reason people dont like realistic endings as much as totally cliche fairytale endings, is because sometimes people need a break from the real world and need at least one right thing to happen that they actually WANT to happen...
Life is tough and some people like to be free of it for once!!!! Dont act like you have a perfect life, cause everyone knows that nobody does, and just cause you think you have had a bad day does not make it true!!!! Dont attack other people's insecurities because you dont feel good enough, cause I'm gonna tell you the truth: MOST FREAKIN PEOPLE ON EARTH DONT FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ENOUGH!!!!!!! But sometimes you are just enough!!! And I know I'm getting off topic, but I dont freakin care!!!!!!!
Life has always been hard and will always be hard!

And from my personal view, when people tell me I'm pretty or so kind or sweet, the guilt hurts me so bad, because I know that this is only an act, I'm not who they think I am and it hurts me because I know they deserve better and I dont deserve them.

There is always a voice in my head that tells me that I'm not good enough, and that voice always wins, it's always louder than any consoling or compliments. Am I depressed? No.
Am I suicidal? No way! Why? Because there's always someone who has it worse. And I am too scared to ever try to commit suicide, and it would just be pointless, hurrying up the inevitable in probably the worst time in your life, I dont know about everyone else, but I dont want to die when I'm super sad or depressed, I would like to be at a happy point, but obviously I'm not gonna hurt myself at every happy moment that comes along. I'm gonna be honest, I probably do sound depressed, but I assure you that I am not!! Also my worst fear is being thought crazy and I would probably be put in the looney house if I attempted and failed to commit it.

I cant tell anyone about this because my friends would pity me, but I absolutely hate pity, it makes me feel like a lesser being, like I'm so pitiful that its in their nature to comfort me.
The one person that I would be okay with their comfort, is the vilest person
on earth, if they were my worst enemy, because I would know that they mean it because it's not in their nature to comfort their worst enemy.

I cant tell anyone because my parents would probably hand me antidepressant pills or something, because let's be honest, I do sound depressed. But I'm not! And I could possibly be put in the place where looney tunes go, if you know what I mean.

I cant tell anyone because my grandparents would pull out the bible and start reading. But the thing is, sometimes I dont wanna hear it. I know it's good stuff and all, but it makes me feel guilty or something like that... Its just not a good feeling, it feels like my family's standards are made up from the bible and I just cant live up to them.

I also cant tell anyone because my cousins are too young to actually understand what i mean. Well, several are derived than me and one is the same age but either I'm not close enough to them to actually talk about this around them,or they wouldnt understand.

Anyways, thanks for your time, whoever reads this...
It's funny how I feel more secure in a place where i dont know any of you people, and the people i care about and know the most, would never understand. So hate on me all you want, but it's your fault for listening to how I feel.
Bye!!!!