Axis

august 27th

TODAY IS THE FIRST normal day I've experienced in a while. Nothing dramatic has happened, and I don't feel like the stuff I'm bottling inside is on the verge of spilling over the brim and outing my inner state of turmoil.

I'm as tranquil as the bay, rippling lazily in the afternoon sun. For once, anxiety has taken a backseat, and I'm just present in the moment, fully content right where I am.

"Mind if I join you?" Aunt Colleen's shadowy figure asks, pulling up a seat beside me on the dock.

I shrug noncommittally, my eyes following her tan, freckly arm as she uses it to wipe a sheen of sweat that mats some stray blonde strands of baby hair to her forehead. She scoots her chair so it's nearly brushing up against mine.

For a moment, we both stare out at the water, streaked with silver streams of sunlight that glitter with each movement. It suddenly dawns on me how insanely lucky I am to get to call a body of water my backyard. It's almost like there's some kind of healing properties in water, just by being close to it and breathing in its salty smell.

"So," Aunt Colleen starts. "There's something that's been on both of our minds lately, and we've both been doing a really poor job at communicating about it."

I shoot her a questioning stare. I feel like we've been bringing a lot of suppressed conversational topics to the surface these past couple days. What on earth could we possibly be forgetting?

"You going to college," she fills in, sensing my confusion.

Oh. My heart droops a little. Is this the moment when I come to terms with the fact that there is no money for me to have any kind of self-actualized future? I was hoping we could cross over the Jasper leaving hurdle first before tackling the one where we realize that neither of my parents left me with any resources to sustain furthering my education. But I guess it's better to rip all the hard stuff off like a Band-Aid in one go so we can start giving the wound time to air out sooner rather than later.

"It's okay, Aunt Colleen," I say. "I've known for a while now that college isn't feasible, and I don't in any way hold that against you or Uncle Bill. I know there are life tracks you can take that don't involve getting a degree."

She goes still beside me, and when I finally look over to gauge her reaction, I realize her eyes have grown watery.

"This is my fault for not bringing this up sooner," she mumbles to herself, looking both sad and frustrated. "Lexi, sweet girl . . . you're going to go to college. My mom . . . your grandma . . . she left us her inheritance after she passed. She set aside money for us to use towards Willie's college fund, but as soon as we found out we were taking you in, before Willie was ever even born . . . we've been saving up for his college fund for a while, and we still have a good thirteen years to continue to save up for that. We're giving you that college fund inheritance to spend now. And I do not want to hear a single argument, because we've both made up our minds, and it's what we want to do. You deserve a bright future, and you're too smart not to get some kind of degree, whatever kind it is that you want."

Tears begin brimming in my eyes. I never thought I had any shot of a prosperous future. And now my aunt and uncle are sacrificing much to help give me a boost in obtaining one. If only my dad could see me now.

"Are you sure?" I ask, voice coming out thick with emotion.

She reaches forward and intertwines our fingers, giving my hand a squeeze. "Beyond a shadow of a doubt. I believe that you're going to completely change the world for the better one day, Lexi Marie. And I can't wait to see the outcome when you do."

"Thank you. From the bottom of my heart; that means so much to me." I smile at her and lean over to give her a hug. But really, I am absolutely elated in a way that words cannot do justice at describing. To have people who not only know and love me, but also completely and full heartedly believe in me, is the most comforting thought I can possibly conjure up. My dad was very wrong; he shouldn't have worn a damn condom because his worthless daughter is actually a worthy soul full of promise and hope. For once, my existence doesn't feel like a heavy burden. It's like, I was born into this world, and the probability of my existence coming to fruition is so microscopically minute that you can't not celebrate the miraculous-ness of my being here.

I mean, think about it. Of all the billions of humans roaming this earth, somehow the exact pair that was needed to come together to form my DNA and genetic code actually found each other. Granted, things got a little messy and the pregnancy wasn't entirely planned, but even still, the exact sperm needed to create me somehow won the race against 200 million other sperm cells, not to mention the one egg that beat out hundreds of thousands of others. Statistically speaking, my being here is nearly improbable. And yet, here I am, defying all odds.

I think back to what Jasper told me a few days ago, when my life seemed like nothing more than wasted resources and a vat of pain and suffering. You can't blame yourself for being born, Lexi. That's a miracle, not a mistake.

Finally, the words seep into my brain, a little stiff from being unused but true nonetheless. My mother threw away her college experience to pursue my dad, who was too busy being caught up in his own selfish pursuits. I have an opportunity to do better than that. To create a future based not on chasing love from other people, but being that love to all who I meet.

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I spend the rest of the night researching colleges and potential career paths. A flame of hope burns brightly where there was once musty gray matter of hopelessness. The possibilities are endless, and my circumstances do not make me exempt from getting to explore those possibilities. I buzz with the potential to become more.

author's note: i'm gonna finish this story. i haven't written creatively in about a year, and then this just kinda flowed out of me out of nowhere. it was short, but it's also one of my favorite chapters i've written. i hope you're all doing well. i'm doing pretty great--learning to be joyful in a way that's not contingent on my wavering circumstances. slowly finding there is always much to be joyful about. 

much love, 

casey