Minion

1

Whistling tunelessly, Minion Three sticks a small round device to the large round door of the vault. It makes a satisfying squelch as it attaches to the metal surface. He twists the rim of the circle and a tiny red light winks from the center.

"Will you shut up with the whistling," Minion Two complains from his lookout post by the entrance to the vault room. He's cradling a huge, menacing gun between his palms the same way he cradles an overstuffed donair when he's starving after a long night of questionably legal activities.

Reaching into the nondescript black duffle bag on the floor, Minion Three pulls out another identical device and repeats the arming procedure on the other side of the big, complicated-looking lock. "I need to whistle when I'm doing the blowy-up shit. It helps me concentrate. If you don't like it you could help."

"I'm keeping watch."

Minion Three doesn't look up from his blowy-up devices. "Keeping watch for who? It's two in the morning. There's no one in this bank but us Minions."

Minion Two frowns, scrunching up his brow. It's true that the dim hallway beyond the door is eerily quiet. "You never know when a hero might show up. Concentrate faster. Professor Fapsalot said we only have fifteen minutes once they're activated."

"How long's it been?"

Minion Two's watch flashes a dozen complicated indicators he pretends to understand. He says, "Two minutes. I think."

"See? We're fine."

Minion Three takes his time placing the last three devices on the shiny metal vault. Minion Two shifts from foot to foot, alternating between peering out into the quiet hallway and glaring at Minion Three.

Suddenly shouts echo down the hall, followed by banging. A heavy thud.

"See? Trouble. Hurry up, Three."

Zipping the duffle bag shut, Minion Three presses to his feet. "Calm down. I'm done. Let's--"

A muffled BOOM. Minion Two jumps four feet in the air and looks fearfully up at dust raining from the non-existent rafters.

"What was--?"

"Shit."

The little round devices stuck to the vault all turn bright green at the same time, creating a perfectly symmetrical ring of light around the lock. The Minions stare at them in resignation. They beep menacingly.

"So much for fifteen minutes."

With an ear-splitting FWOOM, the vault is obliterated.

Meanwhile... In the lobby several floors above.

Minion One skids across marble floors, arms above his head to shield himself from falling debris. Something large and feathery swoops past his head, and he ducks reflexively. Heat sears the back of his neck, burnt hair stinging his nostrils.

The exploding vault shudders up through the floor. He loses his footing and falls hard on one knee. He winces, but not from the pain of the fall.

"Get up, dumbass," Minion Four shouts over the roar of the explosion, grabbing him by the back of his neck to haul him to his feet. "We just lost Two and Three."

"I know." Minion One shakes him off.

A crack judders open before them, marble tearing apart with a terrible groan. Hefting his ridiculously large gun, Minion One limps after Minion Four, who vaults over one of the empty teak teller desks, shouting, "This job's a shitshow."

Minion One dodges around the desk. "This's exactly why we never work with the scientist type. Their plans always sound great but soon as things go sideways, they're helpless."