love me back ; changjin

chapter fourteen ;

As I watched Hyunjin lift his pump lips into a relaxed smile with words that he thought was to be reassuring, I felt as if the whole word ended before me.

I could feel my heart break into millions of pieces after hearing the answer I never wanted to hear yet it came and bit me instead. As I thought, he never liked me back.

Why was I expecting something else to happen? Why did I feel a slight hope that he actually liked me back? The moment I heard that he liked someone in this room, I've always hoped it was me but then once again, it never turned out what I hope it would be.

No matter how much I wanted Hyunjin to notice me and have his whole attention on me, he would always think of me as just a best friend and nothing more.

I was wrong. I was far too immersed with his actions towards me that I took it the way I wanted it to be when he meant it as something else.

I was only a friend to him, he must have liked Seungmin instead; the look they both gave each other when he asked him the question. But there was something I've always wondered.

Why didn't he tell me? Haven't we been friends since we were young? He never told me anything and I wasn't sure why, I thought we would always tell each other secrets we had never told anyone else before.

Maybe it's all changed now. Maybe it was time to face the harsh reality and stop fantasising about things that would never come true, maybe it was time for me to give up.

After all, it had been going for as long as I could remember. That small percentage of wishing your crush would like you back, but to me, it will never happen will it?

If he really thinks of me as a friend, then maybe it's time I start being one. Maybe it's time to throw these feelings away and move on.

That way, none of us will be hurt.

"Oh really?" I nervously laughed, hiding all the pain that was coming after me.

"Yeah, don't worry hyung! I love you but not in that way." Hyunjin smiled even wider as he gave me an eye smile.

Smiling away the pain, I nodded. "Actually, never mind, let's go." I answered, not wanting to hear who he really liked.

"Okay!" The younger exclaimed before me, the two of us leaving the room seconds later.

When school had ended before I know it, I left my last class about to walk home when I heard Hyunjin's voice again, calling me.

"Changbin hyung!!" He called making me turn around to face him with a smile. 

"Yeah?" I answered, noticing that he wasn't alone.

"Do you wanna go home with me and Seungmin?" He asked, instantly taking me by surprise.

'Maybe it would be better if I decline, I don't wanna be third wheeling.'

Following my thoughts, I smiled it off instead and gently shook my head. "I'm okay, you two can go without me." 

"B-But... we usually take the same bus together." Hyunjin sadly pouted, immediately causing a conflict inside my head.

'How could I resist this boy when he's doing this to me?' I thought, debating whether I should go or not.

But then, I looked over to Seungmin which caused some sort of sick feeling inside me until I couldn't take it anymore.

"I have to go and visit my grandma." I lied, wanting to get myself out of the situation.

"Is your grandma okay?" Hyunjin asked in concern. "Should I come too-"

"She's okay, don't worry. I'll see you tomorrow." Was all I said before quickly walking off.

Not minding the confused and worried look on the younger seconds later.

Walking through the long park which felt forever, I sighed deeply to myself before taking a seat on the bench. What was happening to me?

Why am I feeling this sick feeling whenever I see Seungmin next to Hyunjin? I hate it, the thought of seeing him with Hyunjin pains me. 

All my mind could think about was to escape from the scene, what does all of this mean? I don't get it, why do I feel so lost?

Is it bad that I want him all to myself? It's making me feel greedy but I don't want that, I just wanna stay friends with him. Is my feeling towards him so strong that it's impossible?

I just wanna get rid of the feeling, I need something that can help me move on. We had just made up and I don't wanna ruin it again, he's so important to me that I can't live without him.

Why is it so hard to move on?

With all of these uncontrollable feelings and thoughts building up inside me, I didn't realise tears had started to stroll down my face and before I know it, I found myself tearing up the next moment.

Everything was causing me nothing more but pain, unstoppable pain. It's hopeless, no matter how many times I try and move on, I would just always end up loving him even more. 

The more I love him, the more pain I feel. Am I just not ready to move on yet? I have to either way, I have to get rid of my feeling in order to keep our friendship.

I have to move on so I won't feel pain anymore.

It felt like I was going through an never ending maze, I've never felt so trapped in my life.

And knowing it was Hyunjin that made me feel this way, made me feel something I had never felt before.

It was at that moment I realised.

I didn't just like Hwang Hyunjin.

I was in love with him.

After realising how much I had loved Hyunjin from the bottom of my heart, I found myself crying even more until I had no more tears coming out.

Covering my puffy face from crying a lot, I stayed in that position for a few moments when I heard an unfamiliar voice call for me, causing me to finally look up.

"Hey, are you okay?"

A/N: I'm so sorry for this shit chapter, I've tried my best 😌 Half term is almost over and I don't wanna go back to school yet, help me ;0