Fibro Life: An Insight

The never ending night

You know that feeling when you can't sleep? When you are so tired that even the thought of blinking hurts but you just can't sleep? I hate that feeling.

I stay awake at night thinking over every decision I have made in my life. Good and bad. Now don't get me wrong, I am not regretting my life choices, I am happy. Truly. But I just can't sleep!

I make up stories in my head, like a movie playing only for me. Soundtrack blasting through my headphones. Drowning out the thoughts. Only I never see the ending, constantly in edit mode I replay each scene over and over, always the same premise but acted out differently, never quite getting it right.

That feeling of sinking into your own skin, heavy with a loss of control. Limbs uncooperative and numb. Tingling over every inch of my body, like lightning shocking my system. I hate that feeling.

Closing my eyes as if it will make the sleep come quicker. Breathing slowed to follow the guide. It doesn't help. Sleep still evades me, mocking me with waking nightmares of fears and insecurities.

Warmth from the body next to mine. So peaceful in their breathing. It calms my mind somewhat, knowing they are there. Sleep seems easier now. Almost inevitable, as if it was my desire to stay awake.

That feeling of finally falling asleep? I love that feeling. Of waking up in the arms of the person you love? Nothing can beat it.
Then reality hits. The feeling of safety, of calm? Gone. In its place is the familiar ache and panic.

That feeling of not knowing what I am capable of doing today, of being drained before the day even begins? I hate that feeling. Sleeping until the stars come back, yet still tired? I hate that feeling.

The knowledge that this pain and tiredness will be with me forever, my new normal? I know that feeling. The shame of no longer being who you were before, pushing people away? I know that feeling. I am those feelings.