Losing Ruby

chapter five

Losing Ruby

Copyright © 2020 Kelsa Dixon

All rights reserved

— • —

[Chloe]

Steamy fractures of light filtered over the curtain rod. I hid from the sharp rays, aiming to call me out. My hands met the slick ceramic tiles of the shower. My shoulders shook and I lowered myself to my knees. Seared together, my lips throbbed, then went numb. It was a lame attempt to silence the wails that walloped against my chest. Still, I prayed Noah couldn't hear me.

He wouldn't look the other way. Though it felt like another lifetime, now he didn't let me succumb to my feelings—not like these—no matter the circumstances. Not on my own. I kept everything I felt neatly tucked away behind a once faux curtain of confidence that had become genuine over the years. I was confident, I had been for a long time.

But I'd lied. I'd lied to myself, over and over. I'd wished my face—framed in the same golden shade of blonde—had brought peace and comfort. Green eyes that offered a glimpse back to a better time. It was what I'd managed to convince myself of over time; that I was their solace. And yet the reminder of who I wasn't, and who they'd preferred me to be, played out in my mind again. The forlorn look forged deep into the creases of Brody's face this morning, flashing in front of me now; nagging.

It was the watery look of despair Brody wore that bore the truth. The way his face fell when the daze of his nightmare cleared and he realized it was me, not who he'd wanted; I wasn't Ruby crouched in front of him. And I took the hit like a tackle I'd watched Luca take on the field a million times before. I was blindsided by the brutal lash at my past; it'd knocked the wind out of me.

Like old, worn shoes, I'd slip into my armor, quickly managing to swallow down the shock, replacing the sting of the blow with a mask of indifference and an air of annoyance. Then I wobbled out of his room and down the hall, steadying myself against the wall until I had the shower on and the beady streams of water silenced the sounds I couldn't bear them to hear.

The disappointment I'd become all those years ago surged then, and in this moment, too. My arms curled around my stomach and my lips parted as I bent, tucking my face to my thighs. They muffled any sound that escaped. I didn't hear it either way, the existential pain ringing in my head.

And just like that my unsteady breathing became like a strong hand clamped around my windpipe. I choked on air and then the water that slipped into my lungs. Coughing and sputtering, I gripped the edge of the tub for support.

The incessant words—once a steady stream of willowy whispers from an old schoolyard bully—fought to make their way into the back of my mind in moments like this. I pushed back, but they were harder to ignore as the slew of accusations grew louder in my mind. The words engulfed me now as they had six years ago when I was just as vulnerable. How easily he could string together the right set of lies under the right set of circumstances for them to become an honest batch of beliefs.

'They can't stand to look at you.'

'You must be a painful reminder of what they no longer have.'

'They'll all leave. One by one. Ruby, Brody. Maybe Luca will be next.'

I tipped my head back and tried to drag in a breath. It caught in my throat and came back up as a blubbered sob.

Luca hadn't left. He'd been distant at one time, but he was present now. To a fault on some occasions.

Noah was here. He had an internal battle he'd never let me question regardless of how I played into it. At least not without a snarly set of acrimonious slews in response. They'd have you cowering in a corner, wondering why you'd been so dim as to bring his mood to anyone's attention.