II. Le désir [H.S]

III

There's nothing I can do. Nothing.

It's been a month, a fucking month since she walked away from me and all I've done is think exactly about that. I keep thinking she's going to come back, that the few things she left in my flat will at least lure her to knock in my door, even if it's to pick them up and leave again, but it's clear she's done with it all, me among all those things. What's been irking into my brain and driving me crazy is the fact that there's no one to blame but myself and the shit-load of lies I fed her with.

I should've told her the truth. Fuck, if she could only listen to me..

When I found out she'd moved out of her flat something inside of me cracked. She was changing, she was moving on and there was nothing I could do or say to stop her. Emilia's always been strong, too strong, resilient, smart. She knows I'm not good for her, she knows I fucked up and she won't have any of it. I just wish she could at least let me explain but she won't. I called her a thousand times, hoping she would let me blurt into the line all the reasons I should've told her a long time ago, but she didn't. She closed off, she cut me out.

I'm going fucking crazy. Lisa took Ophelia back again a week ago but then that was the deal all along. I could only get her around for the holidays and that's exactly how long she let me have her, not a day less, not a day longer. The moment I left Ophelia with her mother, I knew I didn't have to control it anymore, I knew I could let it all fucking go.

So for the last five days I've done nothing but drive from my flat to my father's company and the pub around the park where either Michael, Martin or Matt would meet me or try to persuade me to go somewhere else but I can't, I don't want to. All I can think about it's her, the way she looked at me that night as if I'd done the most horrible thing a human is capable of.

Anger boils and seeps through my blood every fucking minute, reminding me of how easily she told me it was over, that she was done. Did she mean it? Of course she did. She's proved to me how disposable I was for her, how quickly she moved on and started over. How come she wouldn't let me talk to her as she let that fucking asshole, Joe, go back and forth, in and out of her place as if he hadn't actually bloody cheated on her? I know I lied, I know I kept something important from her but she didn't even let me explain!

Of course I wanted to tell her, how could I not? But it wasn't that easy! There was -still is, a lot of shit happening in my life to pull her right down into it with me. I kept Ophelia from her because I didn't want to loose her, I didn't want her to run for the fucking hills and never come back. Emilia's always been clear about where she stands when it comes to marriage, kids.. how could I tell her I had one with none other than the girl she thinks meant something as important as she does?

Fuck me.

I'm tired of everything, of trying to convince myself she's going to come around and actually give me a chance to at least explain myself, but she won't. She's too fucking stubborn, she's always been. She's probably already forgotten about me as easily as she did with her last boyfriend. God, seriously. I had it coming, all of it.

"I'm off." I wave over at the tender, slapping two tenners over the bar.

Matt shakes his head, Michael's standing next to him. "No, no."

I ignore him, dragging the chair back. "Harry, mate, what about Alex's birthday?" Michael chants behind me.

"I don't care." I shrug.

I know he won't care about me not going anyway, Alex is Emilia's best mate and he's probably still mad at me for lying to her. I don't understand why his girlfriend thought it'd be a good idea to sent me a invite to the party but there's no fucking way in hell I'm going to that. They're celebrating their future failed marriage 'cos that's the only way that shit -or any kind of fucking commitment can go. Besides, Eric and Michael's girlfriend keep giving me the cold treatment because of what I did.