WARREN GIDEON: In War, I Found Peace [Warren & Astacia]

Simula

Simula
Astacia Cassandra Rama

Help me, Lord!

I closed my eyes tightly as I murmured that silent prayer above, my hands tight on the steering wheel while calming my nerves down and while trying my best not to strangle my son’s neck which I was really so close to doing now.

Astacia Cassandra Rama, for chrissake, you love that child more than anyone else in this world, okay? Ni hindi mo nga ‘yan hinahayaang kagatin ng lamok, kaya papaanong magagawa mong sakalin at saktan siya?

Humugot ako ng isang malalim na hininga at dinagdagan pa ang pisi ng pasensya bago muling nagbukas ng mga mata. Through the front mirror, I glanced at that handsome little ball of sunshine at the backseat who was struggling with his seatbelt, tila ba kating-kati sa kaniyang kinauupuan at gustung-gusto nang kumawala roon.

Saan ba nagmana sa katigasan ng ulo ang batang ito?

“But you promised me, Mommy! You promised to gift me a drum set!” he shouted, his tantrums on full flight again.

Namamanghang napailing-iling na lang ako habang pinagmamasdan siyang nagwawala na roon. I was honestly irritated and pissed off at him already. Kanina pa niya ako pinagmamaktulan dahil doon sa pangako ko sa kaniya. Actually, kasusumbong lang ng teacher niya sa akin kung papaanong nag-attitude ito sa klase nila kanina, and I felt so sorry at her. I knew and I was well-aware that my son was the most annoying toddler ever, probably the naughtiest and the most hard-headed kid in her class, too. But then again, at the same time, he was the most adorable baby for me.

Was it even possible? Inis na inis na ako sa kaniya pero mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya. And unfair! Ang bilis-bilis lumambot ng puso ko sa batang ito. I even did not know where to put all my principles anymore. I could be the hardest, the most strict mom ever, yet, the softest mommy at the same time, na sa sobrang lambot at pagmamahal ko nga sa kaniya ay kayang-kaya kong ibigay ang buong mundo mapasaya lamang siya.

Malalim na bumuntonghininga ako. My fingers left the steering wheel, then held on to the passenger seat and tilted to face him.

“Warrion, look at me,” utos ko na ginawa naman niya, my mouth opening slightly when he gave me a scowling look.

I shook my head and calmed myself.

“I know that Mommy promised to buy you that drum set you are talking about. But baby, not now, okay? I don’t have enough money, yet. Marami pang bills na kailangang unahing bayaran si Mommy,” sabi ko at agad na napahilamos na lang sa aking mukha sa napagtanto.

What did a five-year old kid know about paying bills, huh, Astacia? And as if he cared!

“No! You promised me! You should have not promised me that so I wouldn’t get my hopes high!” patuloy niya sa pag-angal.

Muli akong napatingin sa unahan at napasubsob na lang sa manibela, hindi na malaman pa kung papaano ipaiintindi sa kaniya ang sitwasyon naming dalawa.

I was just a struggling young mother taking multiple part-time jobs just to fill his tummy with food, shelter him under a nice and safe apartment, and send him to a private school.

Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat. In fact, I was actually about to buy him that ridiculous drumset at wala sa plano ko ang sumira sa pangako ko sa kaniya. It was just that, I already had spent the money that time he got hospitalized due to a flu. May mga gamot at vitamins pa rin akong kailangang bilhin at hindi naman maaaring unahin ko pa iyong ipinabibili niya. That drum set could wait. I just could never risk his health.

“If you couldn’t buy me that, then, tawagan mo na lang po si Tita Ganda or Tinang Cielo, Mommy! They can buy that for me!” he suggested, na nagpaahon sa akin mula sa pagkakasubsob ko sa manibela.