Starboy || Arthur Morgan x John Marston

Conflict - I

Johns POV

I think i'm slowly losing my mind. It's the year 1890 and i'm having some delirious thoughts. Him. His shiny, golden, silky hair that I want to run my hands through. His beautiful blue eyes, speckled with golden flecks that resemble the stars. His fair skin, his deep voice. His... body. His broad shoulders. His muscly chest. Maybe i'm driven by lust, maybe I don't even like him.

Why am I even having these stupid thoughts? Being gay is a sin. It's looked down upon. I... I like girls. That's all. I'm stupidly being driven by lust. But everytime I look at him, his heartwarming smile, or I hear his laugh, that goddamn laugh that is as smooth as honey, my heart races a goddamn marathon. He probably thinks i'm weird.

I sighed, standing up from the seat by the lake, the prussian waters slowly rippling. The nights air was bitter, pricking at my rough skin. It was late, I needed sleep to shake off these.... weird thoughts. I sat down on my rough sleeping bag, and attempted to fall into a slumber. However, everytime I closed my eyes all I could see was him. He was suffocating me, I couldn't escape the thought of him and it was driving me insane. The scent of him, the way his eyes lit up everytime he took care of his horse, the way he stands.

Eventually, I went into a deep slumber. Yet all my dreams were about him. Fuck you, dude. All I wanted was a carefree night, away from the thought of you.

I woke up the next day, the golden sun shining down onto my chestnut eyes, blinding me. I wiped my eyes and immediately left camp on my tenessee walker, eager to keep myself occupied to prevent the war going on in my head.

I entered a town called Valentine, pretty run down and disgusting. Farm animals swarmed the muddy, drenched roads. The wooden structures were damp and rotting, and townsfolk shot you if you looked at them wrong. However, it will do.

I shopped in the general store for a bit, picking up some tinned food and some hair pomade, so I could tidy up my appearance a bit. I'm a scrawny boy, long and lanky Dutch used to call me. I love him, but it makes me so insecure. I have almost no muscle and my brown, mousy hair is a mess.

I sat outside a while, being nosy and listening in on everyone's conversations while I wolfed down my baked beans. One woman was having a breakdown over how a man didn't love her enough. Another person was cackling after his friend slipped in pigs shit. I forgot about him. He wasn't clouding my vision or confusing me anymore. That was until I overheard one conversation.

"You heard about that chap living down the road? Ronnie, or something?"

"Yeah.. I don't know why men like him should be allowed to live. Being g-gay... that's not right. God made this world for men and women, not men and men or woman and woman"

"I feel ya... Should be illegal or somethin'", the man took a puff out of his cigar before the pairing walked away.

My heart stopped. Everything I thought about came flooding back. It's like a breakup, and then he comes running back and you accept it with open arms. I suddenly felt sick. Im disgusting. What was wrong with me?

I violently threw up in the bushes beside me, he conflict in my brain just becoming harsher and harsher as I got rid of my baked beans.

I sat back down on the rotting bench and sighed. I had things to be doing, people to take care of. I wasn't quite sure on what to do, honestly I had no clue about anything. But one thing I did know for sure?

This man, Arthur Morgan, is the biggest mistake of my life.

a/n: sorry this is short, it's just an introduction chapter <3