The falling seasons

Part 21

September 21

Dear daisy,

It was a great day, the morning with the snow-filled garden yet the sun peeking behind the clouds. Seeing Haruni walk around with an unwavering smile! It was a great day. She was the happiest for the performance in the winter fest, but everything turned upside down when she left home. She had stood in front of my room before leaving and had said

"Mama I will be waiting for you!"

I could feel the smile in her voice! I was excited too! For me to fulfill one last wish of the girl, because I didn't know when would I ever get a chance like this next time. So when she left I was trying to get ready and that's when my health gave up on me... I still feel like... Damn, I have cried almost all nights but this hurts the worst. How could I... I will keep the whining for the later part Daisy, because if I keep on whining upon you then you might not survive, that's how pathetic of a person I am. I coughed up and vomited blood all over the dress that I had brought for the dance, Now I think about it, even fate doesn't want me to harm my little princess. The more close I get to her the more danger I will put on her. And Just when I thought I could somehow make it with something else, everything got blank and I collapsed, it was just like the first time, The time I had collapsed when Haruni was still a baby, just like the last time, this disease wanted to distance me from her.

When I opened my eyes, I saw my doctor and she seemed worried. Sunanda had called upon her the moment she had found me in that state and I couldn't ask for anything more from that girl, she has been a slave for years and she still yearns to be with me, that seems unfair. I am sorry Sunanda for not letting you live your life the way it should have been, I am sorry.

The doctor checked up my pulse and said for me to stretch my tongue out. Then she said with a smile that sent me into a state that I cannot exactly put into words.

"You are reaching your limit, my lady."

I saw Sunanda almost losing her balance and collapsing.

Was it something shocking? Some or the other day I would have to leave right? Then why was she sad already? If anything, Sunanda should have been the happiest to get the burden off her shoulders.

"But can I attend a little function? I have to perform..." And I vomited blood again, this time the doctor's wordless expression had all the answer but still she took them out for me.

"I am sorry, but Mrs. Verma this would turn ugly if you are not kept in a constant check."

"But... Haru..." Suddenly a thought flashed across my head, if I went there with this state then there was every chance of me spreading this disease not only to Haru but to everyone present. And that was when I decided not to, and I knew that I would hurt the little soul with the greatest pain that could be inflicted upon it. See this is how worthless her mother is.

I didn't want this condition to affect my work. So I told Sunanda to call upon the editors and when they came along with the entire editorial department, all I could show them was almost finished manuscript for the book I had my put everything into and just when he was asking me whether I could do it or not when he had heard my state from the doctor, I heard the door opening and Haruni standing there, with her face that portrayed raw anger smudged with sadness. I was the one who had been mean to you, so do you think only getting angry on me would have been justified? No Haruni it wouldn't. Do you know the most painful experience daisy? It is seeing Haruni crying, and all night I heard her cry... And guess the reason for that pure child's dismay! Yes, it was the same worthless lady scribbling down in you. Sunanda is fast asleep upon the floor afraid that anything might happen to me anytime, so she is resting there, do you see it? The person who should be sleeping on the bed is there upon the floor because of my habit of selfishness. Again sorry for all the trouble that I gave you Sunanda. Soon you would be lifted from this agony. Don't worry.

And I felt like reading his letter. The last letter that he had written for me. I had promised myself that I would read it at a time when I was too much of a mess, and I felt this was the time. Like always he said something silly just to make me smile because that's what he had always done and then did something serious and left us all alone. Just when I was done reading I saw Haruni coming down the stairs, she looked a lot worse than what she was. When my eyes met hers I wanted to say sorry but she ran away, maybe it was for better. Otherwise, she would have gotten sad, on the day I passed away.

Now that I think about it... It was good that her heart broke because of me, she would have gotten something greater to hate me with, and I am sorry for what I have made you go through, so be free Haru, fly high without someone like me holding you back!

Haru... If you ever get to read this... No, I don't think you will, because I will make sure this will go down with me, I don't want you to remember me or my presence, as I was nothing but a pain-inflicting demon. So live a life that never has a mother in it, give your child the love that I could never give you if anything I would be happy if you just

Hate me for who I was!

Goodbye Daisy, because I have already told Sunanda to burn you with me if ever that day comes, so until next time!

Haruni had been on the ground when she was picked up by Sunanda. Haruni hugged Sunanda tight as the pain that arose increased with each passing memory that showed what she was to her mother in her last moments. The room was filled with the sobbing sounds of the women, who had known the reality.

The diary sat silent on the floor, for all the years it had seen the world of Azuma like no one else had. And now it had given up all the secrets that Azuma had thought she would burn with her...