{TW: talk about self harm, self harm scars, death, suicide mention}
Tyler noticed the scars pretty early on.
It wasn't obvious at first that Josh was hiding something. When he started attending the same church as Tyler- which was in January of their Freshman year, if he remembered correctly- all he wore were long sleeves. Given the hectic Virginia weather, nobody really gave it a second. Not even Tyler and Brendon, and the rest of their friends who went to that same church.
It was when March rolled around that Tyler got... well, concerned wasn't the right word. He didn't know him well enough to be. Nobody did. So, they didn't question it. Tyler wore long sleeves in the summer too, but that was because he and sunlight didn't mix. Not because he had something to hide.
Josh's mom had forced him to participate in all of the church's events. He acted as an extra for a Valentine's Day film they were making, joining them on mission trips and community service event, and other bullshit. It was fun to have him around, but infuriating trying to get to know him.
He was a quiet dude. Funny and kind, but really reserved. From the moment they met, though, there was something Tyler liked about him. Even when he barely talked during life groups on Wednesdays and only regularly talked to Tyler's mom, who was a church leader. Despite his shy nature, he was so magnetic when he actually talked. Too bad he had so many walls up.
Tyler and Josh became kind of friends the first year when they met. They were similar in almost every way, but Josh never took the conversation more than skin deep.
The quiet boy got closer to Brendon, as they had a lot more in common, interest-wise. They were were into music and cryptic, weird shit. Things that weren't exactly church friendly. That was around the same time he started opening up more.
He was a bit eccentric, sure and got excited very easily over the smallest things, but that pure kindness and optimism was what kept that group together. Tyler couldn't remember what his life was like before he knew Josh.
After church, their group of church kids would go out for lunch then hang out in the park. Brendon always bugged Josh into joining them until one day he just said "yeah, sure."
They were all ecstatic when he said yes. Finally, this kid who've they've been trying to break out of his shell for at least two years at this point, voluntarily joined them! Josh started wearing short sleeves in the summer, and Tyler finally saw his little secret.
Scars, ranging from raw pink to almost imperceptible pale white. Along the entire length of his forearms, both of them. He must've been comfortable enough around them to not shy away from showing his arms. Sometimes he'd get shy and cover them, but forget about them easily when they started to play frisbee.
Tyler was so innocent, so stupid, he didn't know what they were at first. He asked Brendon if he knew and Brendon just laughed in his face.
"Don't you know? Those are self harm scars. He cuts himself, or at least he used to. I hope he stopped."
Brendon had the same scars and was, in Josh's opinion, scarily open about his history of cutting and suicide attempts. Josh never talked about that kind of stuff, at least not with Tyler. But something in his eyes changed whenever Brendon talked about his past, or if they made a cutting joke. He would laugh with them when they made a joke, but Tyler could always tell it was forced.
That didn't matter, because they got even closer as the years went on, close enough to Josh's senior prom together (Josh was a year ahead of Tyler).
Josh and Tyler. Went to prom. Together. As friends. Brendon had a field day when he found out.
By this time, Tyler knew he had a huge ass crush on Josh. He tried to hide it because their friendship meant more than his romantic feeling. If he managed to fuck it up by creepily gushing at Josh, he'd never forgive himself.
Everything was getting better.
Then it went all downhill from there, sort of.
Life decided to fuck them all over Josh's senior year of high school. His house also the burnt down, and he was homeless for almost two weeks before they could get the repairs done. Brendon fucked up badly in a way only he could. He had to move to Europe just to get away from the unnecessary backlash of the one terrible decision he made.
Ashley and Nicole, two of their friends in the same group, left for college. Lana stopped going to church because of personal reasons, things she trusted Tyler with that he will take to the grave. Z and Ryan, well, they were the same, but distant. They slowly stopped going to the park with them, then just stopped talking to them altogether.
The student section of their church shut down because Tyler's dad, the youth pastor, left. Not a month later, his grandfather died. Around the same time Josh's dad was attacked by his dog- Josh emphasized to him many specifically that it was his dog, so his fault- and they had to put not just him but their older dog down. Two dogs at once.
And the worst part? Josh started wearing long sleeves.
Again, not a big deal for the winter. But spring, and summer rolled around, and now Tyler was able to rightfully concerned. He never said anything, but how could he? They were closer than ever before, Josh was one of his closest friends at this point, but this was unknown territory for him.
So Tyler didn't say anything and just tried his best to be there for him. Josh was always there for him when he needed it, and they both really needed each other if they wanted to survive.
And at the end of summer, when Josh wore t shirts again because it was too hot to even try and wear long sleeves, he moved away for university. That, right there, was what nearly broke Tyler.
He'd grown up with a community, he was never by himself, ever. But for the first time in his life, Tyler was truly alone.
Thank god that didn't last.
Brendon texted him one night.
Guess who Josh's crush is.
Tyler had hopes, but doubted it.
Some guy in his new school?
Nope.
He likes you.
He told me last night.
Dude, he's liked you for years.
Tell him you like him back.
This could be an chance you never get again.
And just like that, everything fell into place. He told Josh how he felt one weekend when he came to visit, and Josh reciprocated. The week after that, Josh asked surprisingly him out. Tyler, of fucking course, said yes.
They've been dating for almost a year now, and Tyler can't remember what it was like before they started dating. Being with Josh, loving him, holding him. It came to him so easily.
Tyler never talked to him about his past that he rarely talked about in detail, his mental state, or what drove him to hurting himself. There was still so much mystery, so much that he didn't know about this boy he loved. But he knew when Josh was ready to talk to him about it, he would. There was no pressure.
He'll never tell anyone this, but Tyler got satisfaction from watching Josh's scars fade one by one, time turning those dark marks white against his tan skin.
