Under the Blue Lights // Jake Kiszka

The calm before the storm

I wake up the following day with my phone announcing I just received a text. There's no sign of a hangover, no headache or sick feeling in my stomach, but for the first time in my life, I wish there was. I wish I could blame the alcohol for the show Jake and I put on at Joe's dance floor last night. I was indeed intoxicated, but it was by my best friend's cologne and the feeling of his hands around me.

Trying to remember we didn't actually do anything doesn't help with my embarrassment. We didn't kiss, we didn't even say anything to each other, but the whole lips accidentally bumping, nails scratching scalp and nose nuzzling neck, that was way too lascivious for a couple of friends. And if anything, it gave me validation for lusting after him, because none of that would've happened if he weren't lusting after me as well.

I don't need validation for that, I need for it to stop.

I sit up and reach for my phone, releasing a sigh before checking the text. It's Cassie. Reading her name is enough for my stomach to flip, both from guilt and excitement. Guilt because I know the whole thing with Jake was wrong to her; I wouldn't like to see her dancing with someone else the way I did. Excitement because of the prospect of talking to her, seeing her again. I miss her.

I like Cassie, I really do. I like her intense green eyes and her dark hair. I like her silky voice and how she always has something to say. I like the sound of her laugh and her stories. I like how the atmosphere changes when she's around, like everything is cool and there's nothing to worry about. I like it when she touches me and I like it when she kisses me.

Her text is short, simple and to the point. "I miss you." It makes me smile and it makes me feel even more guilty. I should have texted her first. I was the one who misinterpreted her words, I was harsh on her.

I reply with a simple "I miss you too" before getting off my bed and heading to the bathroom. I place my hand on the nob, but it's not me who pulls it open, someone else does it from the inside, startling me. Jake smiles when his eyes fall on my face and he whispers a soft apology, brushing past me to his room. I wonder how he manages to act like nothing happened. He's been doing this since last night, since the song ended and we moved back to the bar, to drink beer and people watch.

I wanted to say something, ask what was that, but I couldn't even look at him. When his hand found my knee, it was nonchalant, like he always does, just to call my attention to a guy who was dancing in the most weird way. No subliminal intentions hidden behind that light touch, but it made my pulse quicken anyway.

It's Sunday, none of us have anything to do or anywhere to go, the apartment is a bit of a mess, so Jake suggests we make it a cleaning day. It turns out to be an excellent idea, not only because the place can really use some cleaning, but because when the sun finally goes down, I'm able to act as normal as him, as if nothing had happened the night before.

At first, when I was helping him move the couch, I couldn't even hold his gaze. However, when he turned on the music and started to sing out of tune and dance with the broom, I could only see my best friend. No lusting, no embarrassment, it was Jake in front of me and there was no reason for me to act like he was someone else.

It's only three in the afternoon when we're finally done. I've just finished cleaning the bathroom and, since I'm already there, I take a shower. I think about Cassie as I do so. Maybe my reply wasn't good enough, maybe it wasn't what she expected. I wanted her to say something, I kept checking my phone every five minutes, but my "I miss you too" would insist on being the last message there. Maybe she wants me to say something as well. Maybe she's waiting for me as I'm waiting for her.

With a towel hugging my body, I walk to my room, close the door and collapse on my bed. I feel fresh and the room seems even fresher. No signs of dust, the comforter smells faintly like softener, the whole room smells nice and clean and everything is in its right place. I remember the last time Cassie was here and how alluring she looked on my bed. Everything so light and clear even though it was already late and the artificial light from my lamp was the only thing illuminating the space. How ethereal would she look right now, with the sunlight leaking through the white curtains as they slowly sway along with the soft breeze.