After as in After

chapter 21

Tessa's p.o.v

If you want love - NF
Stay with me -Sam Smith

           As I make my way down to the lobby I call an Uber to pick me up but hang up after the first ring. I don't know where I'm gonna go but I can't be with Hardin right now. He is a distraction and I have to think clearly which I can't do around him. I still can't believe he did what he did. Deciding whether I should call Kim or Landon I do the opposite and end up texting Zed. I know he's a terrible person but I have a strong need to apologize for Hardin hitting him. He said he only hit Robert and I believed him. Couldn't he tell me the truth for once in his life, I mean he has but this was different. He's different or so I thought. Maybe I can't change him in the way I thought I could, the way he thought I could. For him, changing doesn't seem so realistic now. When I closed that door I basically ran outside, flinging the door open that made such a loud bang against the brick wall. Once I turned the corner I fell to the ground, grabbing my legs and covering my ears, nowhere to hide or cry from my problems. I'm sick of crying but I can't seem to stop, I mean it should be good that I feel but this. This is something much stronger than just handling it. We were having such a nice time and he seemed to be so happy, I don't know. I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time. God I hate that I'm always wrong now especially when it comes to Hardin. His words seemed so clear even through his raspy, shaky voice and the way he held onto my leg was stabbing me in the heart till it stopped beating. Hurting every bone and drop of blood in my body, everything seemed to crash as my last words left my lips. I didn't even get a chance to hear him out but there's no way, not a chance I can go back. He didn't follow me outside or anything, he just let me go. He held on and after a while gave up and that's why this will never work. No matter how much we both want it to work, it just won't. Our love is inevitable but also are fighting is. Not much is gonna change if we keep this up and it can't just be one of us working our asses off. And it's not ever gonna be 50/50, one of us will have to pull the weight but the scale should tip over the course of time. Before all of this I didn't have to worry about walking in the dark with a bag of clothes that aren't much, I did sneak in one of Hardin's black shirts that had the strongest smell. My favorite scent of my favorite person. From far away I can hear someone whistling and I know that this isn't gonna be good so I dial Hardin's number and put my volume all the way down. Hiding it in the back pocket of my jeans as the men get closer towards me. Calling out things that a woman or anybody for that case should be called. I have no idea where the hell I'm going but I can feel the vibration of Hardin talking through the phone. Thankfully the sweatshirt covers my back pocket and my butt. It's big enough to cover most of me but my jeans are the ones that Hardin says are 'tight.' I mean they are but it was cute when he said it, I forgot that other people saw me in them but he made me feel sexy and confident. Now I see how vulnerable I am, this shouldn't be happening. The men stumble and sound drunk, I start to walk faster and turn as many corners as I can. A familiar face shines through the street lamps, reflecting on the metal piercings, Zed appears next to a group of drunks. No wonder they're stalking me, this is like something out of a thriller movie.
"Tessa?" Why do we keep meeting like his? In all these horrible situations he finds me when Hardin is far from me. I should've stayed with Hardin, he should have held on tighter. What am I talking about? He needs to learn from his actions and I can't keep making up excuses for his behavior, especially when it's physical.
When his face comes more into view, the other guys are further back from the two of us and yet I still feel unsafe, it's not the first time I've walked alone in the dark. The street lights show a bruised face and black eye on Zed. No. Hardin couldn't have fought him, he looked fine when I picked Hardin up from the police station.
"What happened?" I wanted to say to your face but my mother told me never to say those types of things. That's one thing she taught me right, but she's coming around.
"What do you mean?" He pauses. "Oh this. Yeah your boyfriend decided to hit me for talking about you." I don't blame Hardin but he shouldn't have done it.
"What--?" Everything is so confusing, when is it not. My subconscious never shut up and I guess she never will.
"Yep, when I wanted to ask you a question." Well at least this is starting to make sense.
"Which is?" My voice sounds a little sassy but I really don't care by now. A breeze comes our way and I wrap my arms around my chest.
"Why are you still with him?" This can't be his question. He has to learn that I will either end up alone or with Hardin. I've told him over and over again that he and I will never happen. Yes, I've hurt him in the past but he hurt me even more. Hardin hurts me but he loves me more than anyone ever could and he knows who I am. I could go on and on but now I don't feel like talking about Hardin.
"Zed you know this. Is that your question?"
"No." What is it then? I'll probably be arguing with him and end up in a stupid conversation.
"Zed it's late and I don't feel..." He takes my hand in his which causes me to jump back and take baby steps backwards.
"I'm not like him," I know that but this can't be happening.
"What is the question?" I just want to go inside and fall asleep next to Hardin.
"I need you. I need you and you should be with me and not him. And you should marry me?" What is it with men asking women a question like this in the same sentence as something so ignorant.
"I'm sorry what did you just ask me?"
"Marry me." What the fuck. He must be wasted more than the other guys who are vaping a couple feet behind us.
"No. Are you crazy?" No wonder Hardin hit him. But he said he didn't know the question, if Zed didn't tell Hardin I don't know if I'm thankful or not.
I can't handle anymore of these conversations and for the most part I can't handle being outside with or without people. I should probably make a run for it.
So making a circle is the best idea I've got. Just when I think I lost them the group comes from the opposite side of where they were. I back but but find another guy behind me, grabbing me and running with my hand in his. I try to stop and catch my breath and see who it was. His height and figure were familiar but I just need to make sure it's him. I reach for my phone and hear his name with missed texts on the street. I knew it was him, my mind just needed to catch up with my heart. I refuse to let him touch me but he ends up carrying me like a cradling baby position. I can hear the door unlock and feel his hard arms pull away in my sleep. I wake up, half asleep I see him taking off his shoes and pants and shirt. Can't open my eyes all the way but I feel the bed slump on his side of the bed, putting his shirt in my hands and taking a drink of water from his nightstand.
"I'm sorry for whatever I did," he whispers into my ear and feels his eyes on me instead of his warm and safe arms. "I love you." He continues to stare at me after kissing my forehead and turning the tv on. I can hear Rachel and Ross' voices through his snoring and open my eyes are the way to find Friends on the screen. He always puts it on before bed. His fingers reach for my hand but quickly pulling away as if knowing that I was there so he can fall back to sleep. So badly I want him to pull me into his grasp and lay with me until I drift off. Seconds later his eyes open, meeting mine and quickly I look down towards are hands. They are now intertwined together and he scooches closer to me. His long fingers slowly but softly pull my chin upwards to look into his eyes once more.
"I love you and I'm sorry," nothing more leaves his mouth when he pulls me into his chest, holding me, wrapping me in his cozy and comfortable embrace. Just smelling him, touching his bare skin is more than I could ever ask for after being followed by strangers.
"I thought you were gonna hit another person," I chuckle at the thought that he hit two different guys that aren't strangers. When it comes to Hardin he's been more bite than bark but usually he's more bark than bite. I can't tell which ones better but I prefer my sweet boyfriend that makes me laugh instead of cry. And make me milkshakes on Valentines day and taking millions of pictures of me without me knowing, but I do find out. Every time, it's sickening really.
"One's ok for now," one?
"You mean two right?" I am a little more confused either it's that it's three in the morning or that I just was outside with creeps.
"I mean one, Tess." We are now both confused and don't care to show it.
"Two."
"One," I correct him like it's the most obvious answer, clearly it's not. "What are you talking about?" He lets out a little laugh but this is serious, he could actually go to jail jail. For more than twenty-four hours.
"You hit Zed." He laughs even louder and I pout, taking my hands further away from his bruised ones. He pulls them back noticing me pulling them towards me and away from him.
"No I didn't. Where did you come up with such an idea," Is he serious right now? He's straight up lying to my face when clearly he did hit him. Zed sent me a picture of his face and I have no idea how he got my new number but that's besides the point of this conversation.
He quickly sits up, laying his back against the wooden headboard. "No I didn't. Did he tell you something?"
"Nevermind." I lay my head back on the pillow. I feel Hardin's arms wrapped around me.
"Theresa I swear, if you don't tell me right now...," I turn around so fast that it gives me whiplash. And he tries to stand up from the bed but I grab his arm just in time. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell him or what he's gonna do but I'm scared of what he's gonna do to Zed.
"Okay, okay. He asked,- just promise me you'll listen and not do anything impulsive. Please." I can't help but beg and if he walks out of this apartment I don't know how badly it will end. In fact I started doing puppy dog eyes right after saying this. My eyes in the dark room and hope that he can see my bottom lip hanging out. Tilting my head to give an extra form of innocence before he does something he can't take back.
"Fine. Now tell me." The harsh tone makes me want to lie but we've had enough of that in our relationship.
When I sit up all the way I bring my body closer to his, straddling it in case of emergency. It'll be more noticeable to stop him from storming out of this room when the news is revealed.
"He asked... he asked if I'd marry him and before you go off decapitating him, I want you to know I ran afterwards and never looked back. I said 'no' and left."
His facial expression changes so quickly that I can see the littlest sight of sadness before anger takes him under. I tighten my arms around his body until they reach the back of his head so I can play with his hair. I know it calms him and he likes it. Like he copes with playing with mine, and other things. He's paralyzingly still and I have no other option but to pull away from our embrace and look into his eyes. Ever so slowly a tear drops from his wide pupiled, green eyes. I take my hands away from his hair and bring my hands to cup his wet cheeks. With my thumbs I remove his pain and kiss his lips.
"No. No, no," his eyes shut tightly closed and my hands find his neck and jawline.
"Baby, listen to me." I shout and squeeze him in my arms as hard as I can. I shush him till he's no longer repeating the word, that awful word that brings me to tears. "Hardin?" I say through my voice cracks and he finally opens to look into mine and it kills me. It drains everything out of me so I'm left in black and white. The dark room makes it worse that I can only see bits and pieces of what Hardin's showing. I've gotten better at reading his face but in the dark, that's tricky. I don't want to be the first one to break this unbearable painful silence. I can't see anything besides him in this simple, cream colored room. His tattoos are almost impossible to see but I know his body like the back of my hand and trace the moth on his stomach.
I'm the one who needs to break the silence, "Please tell me you're not gonna leave to fight someone. Or worse, drink." He's stopped crying but I continue this endless struggle to stop. He hasn't said anything for over half an hour and I don't know if I should be worried or glad.
"I'm not." Is all he says. I don't want that to be all he says, it's killing me that he won't speak to me.
"Are you okay?" What a stupid question.
"No."
"Do you wanna go to bed?"
"No," I hate these short answers but I know better than to push him.
"What can I do?" I want to help, I can't just sit here on his lap and listen to his heavy breaths.
He doesn't respond so I hug him tighter and bring my nose, tracing it gently over his neck. I plant tiny, leisure kisses along his neck, whispering how sorry I am and how much I love him. It calms him to the point where his breathing is now back to normal. I can't help but start sobbing histerically into his arms that he hasn't wrapped around me.
"Please talk to me," saying into the croke of his neck, mascara runs down his neck from my eyes and I go to wipe his neck. But I feel my head being pushed down to his body once again before getting the chance to remove my makeup from his skin. His hand moves up and down my hair, petting me which automatically makes me feel better. Enough to the point where I'm no longer crying, I'm just sad and dissapointed. Not at Hardin but at myself for letting this happen. If I never would've left this wouldn't have happened. If I just listened and stayed then maybe I wouldn't have been ruined. I don't want to press so I decide to finally shut up and just be in the moment, laying on him until my eyes get heavy.

Something shifts from underneath me and right away I hold on tighter to the warm, muscular figure that I've grown to a pillow. I bring my head off the surface, thinking he has to use the restroom. My mind catches up to the rest of me making me jump up off the bed and make a run towards the door. I find Hardin's hand of the door with his black leather jacket in his hand. Nostrils are flarred and he doesn't look sleepy at all and I wonder if he even slept in between this time.
"Going out for fresh air," raspy and sexy as his voice is I can't help but go to stand next to his now clothed body.
"I'm coming with." I don't trust him after everything I just told him. I mean I trust him but I just need to be by him right now.
"No, go back to bed." As harsh as his tone is I'm not backing down.
Why does he say 'no' so much? It's killing me to not have him say anything to me.
"Hardin I'm not leaving you." Unlike how I left only hours before saying this.
"But you did. You left me on the ground, begging on all fours and you still left. I always make you leave after asking you over and over not to. Maybe you should've said yes to Zed." There's no way I'm hearing him correctly. He can't be telling me to be with someone else, more importantly he would tell me to go with Zed. I can't help but hug him from behind and beg him to stay. We always seem to be on our knees whether it's for pleasure or for when we fight. My hands travel to the top of his grey sweatpants, different from his normal black skinny jeans. I tug at them and his hands grip over mine, the fast motion causes me to startle but quickly my hands continue to do the same action, pulling them almost half way down.
"Tess..." I can hear his voice crack. Not this again, he's really gonna push me away once more because of Zed. I want to protest and scream in his face and cover his mouth with my hands to stop his verbal comments. Damn his height. Most importantly I want him to stay, stay with me and let morning come. The sun has already started to rise but still. Standin up I grab his hands and bring them behind my back so he's somewhat holding onto me. Intertwining my fingers with his veiny hands. Resting my foreheand on his chest, unable to feel the comfort of his warm skin on mine. I can hear him snifing my hair before rest his head ontop of mine, I cozy further into him and basically force tiny steps backwards. Manuvering us to the couch and me being clumsy I trip over my own feet, Hardin saves me just in time and looks into my eyes throughout the semi-dark living room. I no longer have to make him hug me, he just does. Covering his mouth with mine, attacking him with my hungry lips.
"Kiss me." He doesn't move from my kiss, in fact he deepens it and I'm so thankful for him giving himself to me.
Not for a second does he hesitate to pull me closer by bringing his hand to the small of my back. My hands tangle, disheveling it and getting lost in his lust and my need for him. His hands don't move from my hips after falling onto the sofa, he fists my shirt that should be his. My tongue licks his bottom lip that I know drives him crazy.
"Your the only man I want to be with, married or not." Our kisses become sloppy and slow which makes my insides flutter with butterflies. Until they become slower and slower do we stop and look each other in the eyes. "I know how you feel about all of this...," he puts his hand underneath my chin, making my eyes focus on his emerald ones.
"Get some sleep." I eye him like I know what he's thinking, but he always surprises me.
"But..." He shushs me, holding his index finger to my lips.
"I'm not going anywhere, promise." I know I look tired even through the unlit space but I don't have anything to do tomorrow and if I need to or Hardin needs me, I'll never sleep again.
"I love you," my head cuddles up onto his chest for what feels like the hundredth time today. Like a puppy I move until I hear him sigh, enclosing my arms around his lean body. Holding on for my life as I breath in his wonderful scent that I've loved from the beginning.
"And I love you." That simple response makes me fall even harder for this boy. I feela piece of fabric cover both our bodies, slightly I open my eyes and find Hardin putting a blanket over us. That night my dreams are filled with his lips over mine and him having the strength to stay with me.

(Hopefully everyone is staying safe and washing their hands. I'm trying to write more than a couple pages but don't want to leave you guys hanging. Thank you for so many views ❤️)