Light of Heart (LGBT+) ✔

The carpenter who didn't dare come out of the closet: a not too rosy story

Author's Note: This story contains a lot of swearing and is a bit on the maturer side (but no full-blown sex) - just a heads up. It is also a translation of the weirdest, funniest, most out-of-my-depth thing I've ever written. If you notice strange turns of phrase, I tried to keep all the jokes and puns, but because it's a translation, that was not always possible. In Dutch, a lot of the dialogue was on the dialectal side of things, but my English is not good enough to do the same here, though I tried to keep the right connotations. Also, the title is not mine, but was a prompt in the writing club I'm part of.

***

Narnia 2.0

It sucks if you don't dare come out of a closet. I've been sweating and hammering in a walk-in closet for half a day and I've not even gone outside for a second to smoke one because that guy I'm making the closet for fucking puts me on edge.

"Hey! Is that closet almost done?" Speak of the devil.

"Almost. Sanding it down a bit and you can be satisfied." I look at him. Pat the dust off my trousers. Why the fuck did I do that? What does it matter that I'm dirty? What's his deal? My heart works overtime. And soon me too, if I want to finish that closet today.

***

I think that bloody closet is finally done. I lean against the back wall. No, I fall through the back wall and I stumble. I fall more or less on a bed where two people were fucking. The woman shrieks.

"Sorry. I'm on my way. Do as if I'm not here." I open the window and jump. No panic, I wasn't on the tenth floor of an apartment building. I land on a heap of feathers. Lovebirds? Beyond are woods and in this heat, some shade seems chill. Between the trees meanders a path with soft, purple grass. I yank off my shoes and socks, throw them five metres further and roll those metres through the grass. I shake off the blades and they turn into fluorescent green fireflies.

"BOO!" I spin on my axis like a top. A male with goat legs hits his belly and screams with laughter. What the hell, that guy has a big boner. Don't look. Don't think. Look at the clouds. Pretty blue clouds in a snow-white sky.

"What are you looking at the sky? Here is the nice view, pretty boy." I'm almost sure what he's pointing at. But he called me a pretty boy.

"Kissy kissy." I turn my head. His thick lips smack on my cheek. Man, he has to choke on his spit, he has so much of it. The satyr disappears between the trees and I wipe off my cheek with a leaf. Now I'm fucking hotter than before. My head feels so hot I must be scarlet and my body... I rub on my arms and all of a sudden, they're aflame. Who would have thought that I'd ever be on fire! But this is not the moment to drivel. Or it is, then I could maybe quench the flames.

I rip open my shirt and toss it between the trees. The flames change into snakes that hiss at me and then splash apart. Suddenly the woods end and give room to a village with a fence in front of it. Or no, they look like - cocks! Shit. I make a turn and refuse to look to the right.

***

Finally, I come across a sign: 'Be over the moon and make yourself comfortable. Then you will spontaneously arrive at your destination. On behalf of the ferryman, Cupid.' Behind the sign, a plain stretches out with a sort of red mush that'd resemble clouds, without the strange colour. There's no way I go back along that fence, so I decide to follow the advice and take a nap. I've experienced enough for today.

***

When I wake up, the air fills with deafening whinnying. Shit, what now. A bright yellow spot rushes towards me and slows down just in time. What the fuck, is that a unicorn?

"Hey, dude, nice to have you here too. You gotta taste this. Strong stuff, but you've never drunk it this good." He pushes a two-litre bottle into my hands.

"What's this?"

"Wine, of course. Just quaff that bottle or I'll push it down your throat. Dionysos must be honoured." Dionysos is the god of wine. I remember that from that one game, which one was it again? I have no desire to feel a horn in my arse, so I down the bottle as soon as possible. The red of the cloud I was lying on, seems suddenly much lighter. Fuck, what was that colour called?

"And now go dance, man. It's the max." I stumble from my cloud. My legs feel heavier than before, but my head much lighter. The yellow unicorn flickers. Or was it a capricorn? I giggle with a high pitch, like a bimbo. There are a lot of people, but plenty of wine and the unicorn is right: that stuff is bloody good. It seems like heaven here; only golden glasses. With such wine, I don't need rice pudding.

"Hey, pretty thing! You're not too bad, you." Someone grabs me from behind, opens my trousers and starts to jerk me off. Man, she knows what she's doing. I look back to see if she's pretty, but it's a man who kisses me full on the mouth and he knows what he's doing there too. Wait - a man? I push him away and shake off my high.

"Keep your hands off my body, you dirty f*ggot!" I spurt away.

***

In the middle of the plain, that damn sun burns even more. I plop down next to the first bush to have some shade at least. The wine hasn't disappeared completely because my sight is hazy and the air trembles.

"Hey, pretty boy! Shall we walk a little?" I look back. What the fuck, that woman looks like she just stepped out of a porn movie, but with just a little more clothes on. A bit like Angelina Jolie. She sways her hips. I scrunch my nose. Can't that b*tch act normal? I just want to sit here, but what man would say no to a walk with a beautiful woman?

After half a minute of silence, she takes my hand. Hers is too hot and sweaty and clammy. "And how did such a handsome thing like you end up here?"

"I was in a closet an' then no more," I mumble. How can I get her to let go of my hand?

"That explains a lot. Shall we go look at the ostriches?"

"Ostriches?"

"The greatest attraction of the region." I don't know how ostriches could be more impressive than a bright yellow unicorn, but if I refuse, she'll probably turn into some giant constrictor. "Don't you see them, there, in the distance?" Now I do see some spots.

As soon as we're nearby, the ostriches stare at me for a few seconds and they stick their heads in the sand all at once.

"What's this?!" I snatch back my hand.

"Ostrich politics, of course."

"What the fuck is that even?"

"Don't you know? You do the same all the time and this is your closet, remember?"

"What the hell do you mean, you fucking wh*re!"

"That you wouldn't want to be kissed by me, but rather by the man from that party."

"What? You're not thinking I'm a f*ggot, are you?"

"Shall we see?" She grabs me and kisses me. Her lip gloss tastes like cherries. I'll never in my life eat another cherry, so disgusting is this. She licks my lips. Awful. I can't stand it anymore and push her away. I spit on the ground and frantically wipe my arm across my mouth. I'd rather kiss the man I had to make that bloody walk-in closet for.

***

"Hey, everything alright? I'd rather practise mouth-to-mouth if it's not to save your life."