Survival

Inner Demons

This is basically a story about what I'm going through internally let me ask you something has anyone ever felt what I'm feeling? This is a story about a girl named Soul and she's gone through some tough trama. 

Trigger warning: Mention Sexual abuse/ Mention mental abuse/ mention of suicide 

Soul's Pov

I wake with a gasp I felt something hot on my cheeks and I was foolish to believe it was sweat I know because I wake with tears streaming down my face from the same or different nightmares. They happen twice a week every week sometimes it's more than that the drugs that the doc put me on aren't working. I sit on the edge of the bed and let my head fall into my hands crying the last bit of tears I had left "Soul! Mom called "are you up you know you have therapy at nine!" My mom a stunning women with loads of potental. She's been my main supporter through all of this the shit I went through the rape happened when I was three when my mom found out she got me out quick. The cops arrested him and he went away for a life sentence that was until he died of suicide in prison turns out he was an even bigger coward than I thought when he was arrested he lied to the cops. Told them I was a child making up silly stories I may have been young but I remember the cop scoffing saying that he's heard it all before. 

My mom got remarried and some more shit happened but she got us out again me and my little sister Angie. Of course Angie was only a year old then and doesn't remember any of the abuse I don't blame her but I know how afraid she gets when the cops show up at our door when mom calls them about her ex making threats to kill us. My mom doesn't know this but when they do show up and me and Angie are asked to go to our rooms I sneak out of mine and listen to what their saying. I'm tired of cops and fighting and shit happening I know for mom and Angie it's over for me pysically it's over but mentally it will never be over a war goes inside my mind when I sleep. At school I can't focus because the inner demons as I like to call them tell me things. 

They say I will turn out just like my father Heck! I can't even watch TV or look at a kid without these dangerous thoughts overwhelming me. Every time I look at them I see myself and I see a little girl who got hurt it's frightening and I haven't told anyone these are the things that I keep to myself. The things I can't let anyone know truth is I'm not all that strong I'm a coward afraid that I might hurt somebody but when those thoughts enter my mind I know it's the devil I know he's trying to make me believe that I will turn out like my abuser. So I tell myself the difference from my father and me what he did to me was of his own accord he could control his actions but he didn't. He chose to harm a child in the worst way possible I am nothing like him you know why?

I am kind, passionate, somewhat free, and I hate things done to a child I can't watch things like that on TV I know deep down that I am not my father and no matter the torture that goes on in my mind. No matter what the Devil and the voices in my head tell me I will never be him and I will never be broken I am not afraid I am not a coward and I am stronger than him he was weak and I am strong. 

The moral of this story is that there's a fight going on in side of us for some it's abuse or heartbreak. For others it's stress and worrying about paying the bills but no matter what no matter our fight we can't let the devil win because if your still living  and thriving and being who you are then your not your abuser and your not dying in chains your living without chains and flying with freedom on your wings