Irreparable

Chapter 4

Neither of us had spoken in quite some time. I gave him a glass of water after I got off the phone with Linda and placed myself next to him, staring straight out the window. This is the moment I had been dreading most. What would he do, I had been so confident he wouldn't abandon his child once he knew of her existence, but now I was having doubts. The man I knew wouldn't but as I looked at the man before me, I questioned whether or not I still knew him as well as I thought I did. I had half a mind to run now and never turn back but I knew this was my own doing and my cowardice must end at some point and there's no better time than the present. Besides, Eanna needs her father more than ever and she's going to need his support and love. Devon had loved me at one point in time, I was his wife, we made our vows before God, and she was a result of that love, wherever we went wrong between us, she hadn't been involved. He couldn't -wouldn't- forsake his own daughter now, his heart wouldn't let him and neither would I -not anymore.

"Why?" His voice drew me out of my reverie.

I took his hands in mine as I sat on the floor, cross-legged before him. "I don't know how to answer that. I mean I know but I don't know. I was selfish, I guess, I was hurt and in pain from our crumbling relationship. Part of me knew I had to tell you, but another part was afraid. You discarded me like our love hadn't meant a thing to you, I let your betrayal cloud my judgement. As pathetic as excuses go, this is the most pathetic. I kept making excuses to avoid telling you every-time, I would just tell myself that if I told you, I'd be trapping you. The day I gave birth to her, I succumbed to myself and called you, I was going to tell you, but Tanya answered your phone, and then all my insecurities overwhelmingly returned and I hung up. As I said, I realise what I did was very wrong, and I know it is, but as more time passed, it seemed something always got in the way. On her 1st birthday, I was finally going to tell you, but I ended up in the hospital. On her 2nd birthday, your father was in the hospital, her 3rd he had just passed away. I made a promise that regardless, I would tell you this year. I am asking you to please forgive me, even though I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm sorry, I know it's not enough, but it's all I have right now. She needs you."

I took a deep breath as I fiddled with our hands and looked into his eyes, my eyes roaming his face for clues on what he was thinking. I couldn't read him, aside from the apparent anguish which tore apart my heart. I can no longer distinguish between physical and emotional pain anymore.

"Does she know about me?"

I nodded "Yes, I told her from the very beginning. When she was in my womb I'd tell her beautiful stories about you, even after she was born until this day. I made the mistake of not telling you about her; I didn't want to make the same mistake twice by not telling her about you. She thinks you're away on business getting her everything she wants, and someday I'll let her know the truth of what I did. Kyrani made her a scrapbook of pictures of you, so she knows what you look like. I told her you'd be back soon, so she knows of her father's love for her, I never assumed you wouldn't want her considering my inability to bear her had been one of the reasons our marriage broke down."

He remained quiet, and I didn't know what to do so I just continued playing with his hands, waiting. I don't know how long we sat there like that but I was brought back when he pulled his hands out of mine and stood up. He ran his hands over his head and down his face before moving to stand by the window and stare out to the city.

"You should leave."

I wasn't surprised, but that didn't lessen the hurt at all. I nodded once more, even though he couldn't see me. I let my feet take me over to where he was; I would allow myself to just this once, feel him. It has been years since I felt his body on mine and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. Just this once. I embraced his torso from behind, laid my head on his back. He tensed at first, then I felt him relax, but he made no further movement. "I'll leave my number on your desk and you can call me whenever you're ready. I'll also leave a picture of her if you want to know what she looks like. She's definitely my daughter, looking at her I know I'm looking at me, we did always say if we had a daughter she should look like me. God definitely answered that prayer too."