Charming Hex :hellfire

Broken hopes

Hex

I wake up cold and alone, confused by my state of undress until the memories come flooding back of my night. I had given in, I had slept with that gorgeous mysterious biker and now he is gone. The bed is cold, lights off, bathroom open.

Rubbing my eyes for a moment I try to focus. His bag is gone from the couch, his clothes are gone, his boots. He really left. I can feel my heart drop out of my chest as I pad my way over to the bathroom and flick the lights on, catching my wild hair and hickey covered skin in the mirror I crank the hot water up and get in.

I don't feel it but I know it is scaldingly hot as my skin turns a bright shade of red. I scrub myself as I cry, silently at first before sobbing like the mess I am. Why did I let him in? Why did I let my walls down? I scrub harder, trying desperately to remove even the slightest hint on his touch but as my skin begins to bleed I give up, instead collapsing into the a useless mess on the shower floor.

When the water goes cold I get out and dry myself. Grabbing a pair of jeans and a turtle neck
I do my best to cover the reminders of what was never meant to be. Throwing on my boots, I grab my suitcase and quickly shove my things inside, even the gray dress that I know I will never wear again.

As I go to exit I notice his phone, laying in the middle of the floor flashing up at me. Pausing I just stare at the thing before I nudge it over, seeing the notifications for texts, so many texts. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it as my fingers swipe the surface bringing up a string of messages from someone labeled with nothing more than an eggplant emoji and a pair of lips.

Tears fall as the photos load, dozens of them. All the same busty blonde woman fondling herself with questions about when he will be home. I swallow hard and toss the phone across the room, hearing it crack against the tile.

I need to leave, get back to my home and throw myself back into my work, forget all about the man with the all consuming amber eyes that warmed my bed for a bit. He is nothing to me as I am nothing to him. I scoop my bag up and storm out into the lobby.

The elevator is packed but I don't care, pushing my way inside and avoiding eye contact is the name of the game. I can hear the snide comments but I manage to ignore them as I suddenly remember how I had gotten here. He drove. Fuck.

He left me here.

"Well, well. Looks like I was right. No man that pretty would be with you for real." The sharp words stab through me and I stop in my tracks. Turning back Luci just smiles at me before continuing, "Give it up. You will never be happy. Men think you are a joke, soiled goods. No one wants you... why bother?"

I know what she is doing, it's what she has always done in the past. Luci will feed the monster in my head until I am nothing. She enjoys it. It doesn't mean I can stop her though. No, my monster enjoys my defeat, my brokenness. It is where my monster thrives.

Depression. Disassociation. The devils that plague me.

"Did you pay the man? You must have. It is obvious he wasn't really interested. Why else would you be alone now? You are such a failure…" Luci spouts in an even tone. "You should just disappear… no one will even notice. We can pretend that you are just a bad dream instead of the reason Dad is dead…"

My eyes dart away from her as I walk away and right out the hotel. Opting to walk down the highway alone rather than listening to her for another minute. I can break when I get home, not here, not when I have to walk so far before I can even think about taking a taxi.

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By the time I get home I am an empty shell. I walked four hours until I could call a cab, dragging my small suitcase behind me. The cab took another hour and a half to get me home and I couldn't be bothered to do much more than get myself inside before the shell cracks and I fall to the floor.

Tears stream down my face as I lean against the door and let my heart shatter. It hurts. I had trusted him, I knew I shouldn't have but he lured me in with false promises and sweet words. Now I know, it's a hard lesson but apparently one I still haven't learned.

I don't move for hours, I spend the night there and the next one, not able to stop. Only when my phone rings days later do I even realize time has passed. I blink at the number but don't recognize it.

"Hello?" My voice cracks as I answer.

"Hex?" It is a voice I recognize. "Hey it's Ice."

Ice, the blonde from the bar. Adrian's friend. I blink in confusion before I will myself to speak. "Need something?"

"Hadn't seen you in a bit so I thought I would invite you out for a drink this weekend." He sounds chipper.

"Oh.. sure.." I manage. "What day is it?"

"Fuck, how hard are you working? Tuesday. Today is Tuesday." He laughs in a lighthearted manner. Of all the people I have met through Adrian, Ice seems the most genuine and straight forward.

"Not sure I will be great company…"

"Are you okay?" Concern floods through the phone. "You sound off."

"Definitely off. It is a good way to put it. Just dealing with some things." I swallow back the hurt as I remember the feeling of waking up alone.

"Anything I can help with?" Ice offers.

Punch Adrian in the face maybe. I frown. "Nope, just life as usual."

"So Friday? Hogz?"

"Yeah, sure. Works for me." I almost sound normal but I know I am far from it. "I will see you then."

Ice is a nice guy but I won't mess up again. My body is off limits. I don't want or need any men in my life. I felt something for Adrian, I let him in to far and I was too comfortable. It won't happen again.

I almost believe myself if it weren't for the hollow feeling in my chest. If it weren't for the sick feeling in my guts. I hang up the phone and for the first time in days I get up and decide to do something.

Opening the suitcase that sits beside me I dig out the gray dress and head into the backyard with purpose. Cranking on my stereo as I pass and knowing the music will match my mood. Radiohead.

I toss the dress in the small weber grill and douse it in lighter fluid without a second thought. I will burn every memory of that night from my being if it is the last thing I do. The flames don't take long to consume the unnatural fabric and afterwards I head inside to shower.

I will forget. I have to or else I am done. There is nothing left for me to give.