Reflecting hasn't been a strong suit of mine, but with this time I have I figured I might as well try.. I'm a mess, to say the least. I have problems about self-worth and what I'm capable of... I know I wasn't always like this, my friends said I was more energetic, more close, yet now I'm distant.. Quiet, not as happy... I've fucked up in the past, so much and in so many ways yet I was given another chance to fix things and I have... Though the one thing I can't seem to fix, is myself.. This self doubt shit comes and hits like a wave every once in a while, but eventually.. I'm not gonna wanna swim to shore.. I've had these thoughts for 5 years, and it's only gotten worse... I can't really look in the mirror and say to myself "This is me and I'm proud to be me".. I look horrible on both outside and inside...
There's plenty I don't know about myself... Like "High functioning Autism" I've tried looking it up but none of this shit makes sense to me.. At times like these I wish my friends were here. No not the "We're here for you" type bs. Like "here" here, next door or down the street, so at least I'd feel less lonely out here in the world... People are so spread out, and it feels like the power of technology makes it harder to connect with people when you've bonded...
But overall... I think this feeling kinda is depression mixed with suicidal? Look a while back, my school's therapist had me take a test to see how I was doing mentally. It was nothing complex, stuff like have I ever done drugs, or ran away from home, suicidal thoughts, etc. When I finished she grew worried that my suicidal rating was high. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna do anything extreme. In all honesty I'm too chicken shit to try, but I've just.. Had this weight on my back slowly crushing me and I feel like despite what my friends and family say, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, it's like a parasite, sucking all the emotion from the things I love till I'm nothing but a husk of who I was.. Hell I'm like that already... I have less energy, not as happy or thoughtful as before... I struggle to find reasons to go one and half the tine I smile and hope it stays when I'm alone.. I'm tired, I'm breaking down, and I don't know if there's something to do to "fix" me..
